I feel like missing out by not socialising at clubs,bars etc

Post Reply New Topic

From my teens to now (29) I have never gone to clubs, bars and stuff like that. I hardly have many friends and they don't do that stuff either because some have aspergers or autism like me and are more severe than me and are don't usually say a word and are not the types to do those things and so even though I'm milder and able to socialise I hardly any friends who are like me or NT and seeing them on social media at parties, clubs and so having a drink and stuff from school and college makes me feel like a friendless weirdo and a loser and to them I am boring and uninteresting. I don't see the point in me going to a club really or being asked to especially on your own as I said I have few friends, it would make me feel even more weird and awkward, and usually it can be noisy with music that is the same stuff from charts and people getting hammered and shouting and so on. Don't see how it can be fun for me. My weekend evenings are always indoors at home reading, writing, watching tv, playing game etc.
If there's any NTs on here, i'd like to also hear your opinion.

Pubs and clubs come in a wide variety of types, just today I went to one run by two lesbians with board games on the tables.
If you want to go to one then find one that suits you, in the day they're often quiet, at night busier, some turn into comedy clubs or have live music. The alternative /rock bars are often a lot different from dance clubs.

Try not giving a f**k. It's all just drinking and twerking anyhow, which to me is lame. NT's are pointlessly social creatures, to me my lack of social desires is a great thing because all I need is me to pursue my interests and I will be happy. Others just hold you back.

maybe try some outdoors music, you can walk away easily
https://www.thefestivalcalendar.co.uk/

Why, oh why could I never run into this kind of club back when I was trying so hard to be normie social? Where is this wondrous club?

Looking back from the age of 55 I realise I have most seed out, but for nstelt it was missing out on grief, sensory hell and ending up with quite the wrong sort of people for my profile.

You are. Once people leave school, their social contacts dwindle to comparatively nothing. Sure, they can meet a couple-dozen people at work, but that's nothing compared to the hundreds of people they encountered every day at school. So to have more chances to meet people and expand their social networks after graduation, it becomes necessary to go to where people gather in large numbers -- bars, clubs, pubs, et cetera. An alternative is a church or other "house of worship".

But between these two extremes is a vast wasteland of individual encounters with neighbors, blind dates, and total strangers

For a guy like me, clubs and bars just don't cut it. And I knew it from the start.

I only drink non-alcoholic drinks. I like some of the games in bars---like darts, arcade bowling, trivia, pool. But not the blaring music or the blaring lights.

Usually, I couldn't hear myself speak in clubs and bars--nor can I hear anyone else.

I stopped, pretty much, hanging out in clubs and bars over 30 years ago. I don't feel like I've missed out on much.

I met all my lovers in non-bar/club settings.

alternative places you can hang out and socialize

coffee houses, especially ones with open-mike nights
photography clubs
stamp clubs
film-making clubs; or, film festivals
D&D or Magic The Gathering groups - check games stores in your area
Renn Faires or historical re-enactment groups; Society for Creative Anachronism
adult autism support group
music festivals, especially non-heavy-metal ones - i.e. quieter
local baseball games (non-major league)

you get the idea. How do you find these? c'mon. You can do this. (hint: internet, social media searches)

Meetup groups that are compatible with your interests
Libraries - they're not just for books anymore. The ones in my area have all kinds of meetings, lectures and even board game clubs.
Meditation classes.
Museum classes and talks.
Stores may have classes related to what they sell - yarn stores have knitting and crochet classes, fabric stores have sewing classes, art supply stores have art classes....
Local history museums - courses, talks and tours
Recreation centers - yoga and exercise classes
I've even seen open drumming circles held in some local parks. (I love rhythm, not for everyone of course)

In my poor northern England hometown. It's pretty new, other places are awful, I'm so glad I found it.
I believe in big cosmopolitan cities right across the USA and Europe this stuff is easier to find though.

If society and peer pressure didn't make me feel guilty and weird for not being into clubs and alcohol, I would be rather content with myself. But the vast majority of people around me have been out clubbing in their younger years. It just seems to be a trend, and I feel depressed because I don't follow that trend. I've been to a nightclub once, but I didn't drink or dance or even stay more than 15 minutes. I had quite a bad experience with it (well, it wasn't bad bad, but it was unpleasant for a person with social anxiety). I got pulled about all over the place by a drunk girl who was a friend of a friend, and she kept touching me strangely, even though she's straight (she has a boyfriend). Then she kept getting on at me to steal glasses from the bar and hide them under my coat. Because I was stressed with how hectic it was in there, I couldn't concentrate and I felt flustered with this girl. I tried to tell my boyfriend but it was too noisy and he couldn't hear me and I couldn't hear him. Plus the drinks were really expensive. I really do not see the enjoyment in being at a place that's too packed to move, too loud to hear each other talk, and full of rowdy youngsters getting drunk. And when you're not a drinker and you're also shy, those places just aren't the right places for you.

Like most other things, it totally depends on the Aspie, doesn't it? Just from the other posts here on this thread and given the stereotypes of the "typical aspie" (if there is such a thing), I wouldn't think most of us would be into clubs. At least not the kind I think of playing EDM. Clubs playing live music of whatever kind, comedy clubs and bars, however I guess are a different matter. As others have said, it depends alot on the venue and the kinda vibe from the crowds/clienteles that frequent a given place. But I would think some bars/pubs, perhaps comedy clubs if you're into that, places that have like poetry slams and such might in some cases be less sensory-overloaded than others for many Aspies.

I think I've pretty much gotten too old for dance clubs by now, but I used to go and hang out at clubs for years largely b/c I was a trance, house, breakbeat and sometimes dnb head (though I was very picky on the kind of music I was into). There was a year or so when I hung around a bunch of DJs here in NYC and even took a road trip w/one who had a gig in DC, which was pretty fun and cool. There were many times I'd go and if I hated the music, I felt like it was a waste of money or just wish I hadn't gone, just as there were many times I missed DJ gigs that I wished I'd gone too. Like so many other things in my life, though, the big problem was the "social" issue in that except the year or so I was hanging around the DJs I usually went alone. Irony of ironies for an ex-clubber, but the Aspie in me never really learned to dance, which is sad come to think of it and it was something my sister made of fun me about (she never learned of my diagnosis btw). There were unsurprisingly many times I went and felt sad or lonely, sometimes after being there for a while when you're watching a room full of people rockin a dancefloor and you neither have the dance skills nor company to hang out with. But this was much less common as I said when I was into the music. Obviously I usually didn't care about the sensory overload, I guess since I don't really have issues w/that except with loud noises or if I'm trying to read or something b/c it's distracting (but you don't go to a club or bar to read usually, do you?). But loud music again would only bother me if I hated the music.

I was very surprised a few days ago to find a soulful dnb thread I think on the music and arts board here b/c WP is pretty much the last place I'd expect to find that. I didn't know there were other Aspies who liked EDM, even if we're relatively few in number. Re: the nightlife issue, however, I'm sorry to say but yes I do think you're missing out b/c there's something special about going out for a few hours and just losing yourself in the music (or poetry, bar vibe, whatever it is) for a while. It can be both an escape and a chance to express an inner (and maybe outer) you that doesn't exist in other areas of Western societies. However, as I said, if none of these things appeal to you and you prefer more quiet or other sorts of activities (with no, few or many other people), then you probably aren't missing that much. That's pretty much up to you.

I have tried nightclubs, bars and parties and I didn't like any of them. I don't like noisy places, I speak at one volume so I can't be heard(I don't like shouting to talk), I don't like drinking(does nothing for me and is a waste of money), I can't dance either. I prefer small groups of people or ideally 1on1 to socialize. I am not missing out. Sure I wish I could dance but I would probably have to be really high on drugs to do so and don't have any desire to do that.

And Joe re: people hitting on you, it's probably totally different b/c I've been involuntarily celibate for almost my whole life (the one relationship I had, I was abused). But yes that does happen at least in clubs, b/c it's happened several times to me. The thing I hated was the few times an apparently gay dude would talk to me over the loud music and then try to kiss me, since I'm as straight as an arrow. So we've both had that experience of being hit on by the same gender (though I don't know if you're Queer, straight or something else).

Probably the single most provocative experience I ever had was back in 2001 when I was at a club and sitting, listening to the music when a girl who sat next to me proceeded to put her foot on my crotch. She said something like "do you mind if I put that there?" And I think I said "no." I honestly didn't know what to do at that point b/c obviously if I'd started touching her foot she would've thought I was interested (presumably in sex, not just making out). But I didn't end up doing anything and she removed her foot after about 10 minutes and a few mins later some other dude came by and asked me if I was w/her and when I said "no", he proceeded to talk to her. I wouldn'tve minded fooling around w/her, but I probably did the right thing in retrospect.

A few other times I've had girls start touching me when I was at club and I remember one time I had to remove the girl's arms twice from mine and tell her I wasn't interested before she stopped. Again it wasn't that I minded being touched, but I didn't wanna waste her time since I guess I didn't feel ready for dancing or whatever else she might've had in mind. Lastly, another annoying experience was one time when a girl started talking to me and telling me about her interest in some guy who worked in the same building as she did or something and like asking me for advice as to what she should do about him. Why the f**k would you do that to another guy at a club? She even asked me to go outside w/her and talk about it more when she went out to smoke a cig. She eventually lost interest in talking to me when I said I wasn't interested in dancing. Anyway my main point is this is common in nightlife scenes, it doesn't always happen but don't be surprised if it does.

Not a fan of dance clubs, but bars can be great. It's best to go to bars with a group of friends, but if you go to the same bar over and over again (become a regular) you're bound to become at least friendly with the staff and the other regulars.

I prefer quiet laid back not too crowded bars, and there's one near my work that I'm considered a regular at. Trivia nights are fun as well.

As for most things it will depend on the person.