Being disliked hurts

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So you have part of it. Many religious doctrines are riddled with hypocrisy so it should be no surprise that it's followers would also emulate that. They also....certainly the large mainstream religions are patriarchal, so yes the females are taught to take second string and it's too be all about the men (It isn't like that everywhere as many have modernized it some so the discrepancy isn't so big. In fact there are some perfectly nice people.) There's a teaching that men are to be leaders and powerful. While the girls are taught to seek a male that is going to take care of her. "take care of" can mean different things, but in this particular section/group it's about who is going to provide, who is able to protect. This is where it can get a bit more in the biological aspect because it goes back to picking out the strongest mate that will bring about the strongest young. So the Alpha male that peacocks and would smack someone around is seen as desirable because he could beat up anyone that might mean the female harm, thus he's seen as a good 'protector'. This way of living and thinking is ingrained/brainwashed into people as the way it's supposed to be.

But understand not only is this the worst side of religions it is EXTREMELY archaic and primitive. If you are able to see these things, congratulations you are more evolved than them! I can understand how crappy it can feel when you see others together, especially when they are frankly, jerks. Archaic, primitive, hypercritical jerks o_o But don't feel discouraged by them; what it means is you need someone better than those you mainly see around you because YOU aren't what they are. Truly, would you want to be in a relationship with someone that transfixed on the idea that a man must lead and take care of her? Would you want to be friends with guys with that mind set too? What do you stand to benefit from these people liking you?

If they're flies on garbage, then why would a lady bug want to be with them? Would the lady bug be happier on garbage too? I don't think so. Flies are plentiful but there are others of your species out there, you just have to find them. And if they like you it would certainly mean more. (I hope you're not offended I used a lady bug to represent you. It was just the first 'good' bug I thought of that isn't 'crafty')

I'll have to get back to the rest of your message but no, I am not offended, Alterity. I will say that I really hate the jerks and all their variants like rednecks, hip-hop thugs, "bad boys", and country music fans who think only country music is good.

I was often told by others women get tired of the "jerks" in their 20's and 30's but if that's true, why do many still go for the jerks? I have also been told women are making the first move more and more but that hasn't happened for me.

I don't observe the "girls go for jerks" rule in my environment but whatever, maybe it's cultural.
1. Could you name some people in your neighborhood you don't consider jerks?
Because I'm under an impression that your definition of a jerk is rather broad.
2. Women in their late 20s and 30s most likely seek men who have their sh!t together - does not mean being wealthy or particularily good looking, it's rather about living a life one is content with.

Successful people do tend to act a little "jerky" at times, especially around people who tend to be clingy or whiny. They also tend to base their relationships on how successful other people are -- you rarely ever see a successful person just "hanging out" with less-successful people. They are also confident and optimistic, often to the point of seeming to be indifferent to the plights of others. And, as you pointed out, they have their "stuff" together -- they are organized and tend to categorize their needs in the the way that is most effective for them (i.e., "Useful", "Useless", and "Toxic" work for me).

So when a successful person avoids useless and toxic people in order to hang out and have good times with useful and attractive people, and they don't seem to enjoy listening to others whine and complain about their sad little lives, then that person is labelled a "jerk" by those same sad people. I meet a lot of sad, unambitious people while volunteering at the shelter, and every one of them talks only about how some jerk(s) screwed them over and how it isn't fair that someone is successful just because he or she is cheerful, ambitious and outgoing. They don't see all of the hard work that goes into being successful, they only see the results of their own failures.

I was the youngest kid in our family growing up, so I was always called "annoying" and asked to "go away" by older siblings. I just remember the day I realized that they actually meant it. They did find me annoying. They did want me to go away. I realized that I couldn't tell when they were kidding about it, even when they told me to my face. It hit me that I was the same way with kids at school. I thought many of them were my friends, but I think a lot of them just tolerated me until I left them alone.

I've always been afraid of being too proactive with friendships since then. If someone calls me or plans something with me then I know they like me... but if I am the one initiating, even just once, I have this fear in the back of my mind that I am just being a nuisance but they are too nice to say it.

ah- I see the most recent pages of this thread have somehow turned into another "why don't women like me? It must be because I'm a nice guy" thing.

Look, being in a relationship will not solve all your problems. It feels nice to put that hope out there when you feel negative about single life, but it's not realistic. Relationships are hard, complicated, and often exhausting. They can be worth it in some cases, but NOT in the cases where only one party is really interested in being in the relationship. I guess I just don't understand why males get so upset over a lady not accepting an offer. I mean I've asked guys out before who turned me down (actually, 100% of guys I asked out in life have turned me down). When that happens, I'm bummed that day, but it wasn't like it consumed my life.

It seems pretty clear to me that I don't have the right to make another person want to be with me. I don't see why that's unclear to other people.

Maybe now you'll label me as an unsympathetic "jerk" too, but I'm just telling you what I learned from being rejected myself -and from BEING a woman too. I can tell you I have never once wanted to be in a relationship with anyone I knew was a jerk from the start. I am drawn to people who are really positive and happy.

In full disclosure, I make about 2x as much money as my bf, so no, it's not about that either. -and yes, I would rather be with him even if he had no job, than be with with some jerk even if said jerk had a million dollars.

There are a lot of threads like that all over WP, and they're usually started by the same members ... one member in particular ...

Not that I'm complaining, mind you ...

I live in a sick culture that encourages men to be football obsessed alpha jerks and women to be fashion obsessed airheads so when I meet a woman who has common interests with me but she gives me "f**k off" signals, it only makes me feel even more hopeless than I already do. That is why I feel despondent.

I have seen homeless and welfare dependent people coupled up so if you were assuming I was going to bring up the money and job debates, you are mistaken.

I got used to not being liked ages ago to where I stopped caring. I find that no matter what I do or don't do that I'm not meant to fit in anyway so its not worth it xD

Maybe you should move.

I’m guessing that you would probably observe the same things wherever you go, though. Confirmation bias.

It could be a blow to a man’s ego to be rejected.

Still, many do overreact, some to an absurd extent.

Move to Canada. There aren't as many rednecks in The Great North.

I was disliked and bullied girls ignored me and it hurts in public school and high school.

My friend's son doesn't like me because I'm a Germophile, I have a unique way of honouring war vets from all over the world all year (Hence, anything that looks like a German helmet) and I have a disability.

Generally, women will start to change the men they date from the flashy, fun but irresponsible, or 'jerk' when they get older because they themselves have matured and thus priorities have changed. What they are looking for in a man changes from company and fun to who would make a good life partner and father. But if the woman doesn't take on that maturity her taste isn't likely to change.

I'd say that 20's is too broad, probably more like 25+.

There's a few variables that could dictate to other reasons as to why she wouldn't change the type of guy she goes out with. Such as, we often tend to date what we know. For instance, if our parent's are a bit controlling and overbearing it wouldn't be unusual for us to end up in relationships with people with some of those same qualities. It's typically an unconscious thing but it can happen more than we realize.

Another possibility has to do with her own self worth. She may not be very emotionally or mentally healthy (for whatever reason) and thus will continue patterns of going for men that are bad for her. A fun thing that happens too is a guy might start out seeming pretty cool but once he's convinced she's 'got' her she turns into his real self. By then though, she may have been wrapped around his finger so she stays.

And of course, what you or someone else might consider a jerk might not be to that woman. Or she may agree he's an ass but she overall considers it negligible. There's likely something else about him she prizes enough for the jerk behavior/attitude to not matter so much to her.

More women are asking guys out but for where you are, where they are raised 'more traditionally' they'll likely be behind that curve and are going to adhere to the men ask women longer. Shy and quieter women are also much less likely to ask a guy out. I have a pretty bubbly and outgoing cousin, she thinks nothing of asking a guy she thinks it's cute out. I on the other hand, am a deer in headlights if an unknown guy were to approach me; so for me to go up to a guy I don't know? Not so much.

I do think you would probably do better in a different area with a different mind set. Then again I have no idea how you present. People typically make judgements on just how we appear, not just in clothes but other details like posture.



Is there some possibility you could be misinterpreting the signal as that? I mean maybe it's just apprehension or nerves that you are thinking as a "F**k off"?