the silent secret languge i am deaf and blind to.

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Most of the really important business of the humans is carried out by gesture, body language, a wink, etc.
I am entirely deaf and blind to this. I commonly cannot tell if someone is angry .
This has been a great personal tragedy to me.
in retrospect, in my perfectly lonely life, i have realized on a number of occasions women were sending obvious signals saying "come hither", be with me, I want your love or just " God, I want to f**k you now!"

but because of my injuries caused by heartless sadistic persons I could not reach out and touch, or be touched.
If you can't tell if a girl wants to be kissed, no kisses for you.
it was like an invisible glass wall around me.
god, why can't they just speak?
...
gotta stop now. getting teary again.

I suspect this is real autism.

how many of you know this state?
Is it fixable? are there work-arounds?
maybe classes on how to be a human? instructional videos?
Please help me, I am in crisis these days and it is becoming a great task just to continue drawing breath.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts like a fishhook in my heart. the other end of the line seems to lead through a clock, a clock set to the past, being tugged on by long-dead hands.
...
Thank you, WP, for existing .just writing this helps greatly and gives me faint hope at becoming alive again. knowing that I am not alone and surrounded by the marching morons, surrounded by their clouds of silent secret conversations I can never share.
...
OR AM I DOOMED TO THIS PERPETUAL SILENT BLINDNESS UNTIL MY HEART FINALLY STOPS BEATING?

Is love to me like color to a child born blind? I can barely tolerate this idea.
gonna go get drunk again even though it makes things worse and fights the Effexor. it makes me sleep for a while.