Getting Through the Most Difficult Times - Like Emergencies

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How do you do it?

Granted, there’s not much we can do besides get through it, but I guess I’m wondering how you cope. Do you feel like you cope differently than non-autistic people?

I had an extremely stressful and scary situation come up on Tuesday, and I’ve not handled it quite as well as I wish I could’ve. Everything is going to be okay, but it still feels like I’m gradually coming out of a nightmare.

An abridged version of the story is that my son started coughing up blood from the routine tonsiladenoidectomy he had on Monday, so I rushed him to the ER a couple of times, and they ended up sending him to a larger hospital by helicopter. Once he was out of immediate danger, I fainted in the hospital and was put in a hospital bed with an IV next to my son’s bed. He’s doing much better and might be able to go home today if we can get him to drink anything.

I’ve written multiple posts about this, but I keep on deleting drafts because I’m feeling a little muddled which is making it hard for me to think straight and am not sure of where I want to go with this. Maybe I’m experiencing some sort of burnout.

Some people in my family can deal with emergencies and no sleep for days without being overly rattled by it. I’m definitely not like that.

At least my body shut down after the emergency and not before it... Up until I fainted, I was very involved in my son’s treatment. I suctioned blood from his mouth with a siphon, helped with his breathing treatment, and provided as much calm and comforting reassurance as I could. It was very scary for him.

After my son was helicoptered to the new hospital, it was awhile before I was released, so he had been crying for me for hours. I feel awful about that.

I guess it’s just been one of those times that has taxed me from multiple perspectives. I’m grateful and relieved that he’s okay, but I’m too exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally to fully appreciate that fact.

I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through this without my mom. She’s been a huge help.

You did remarkably well. It's likely you were running on adrenaline, which, for a short while, can allow us to overtax our normal functions. But most people crash afterward, as adrenaline (a/k/a the "fight or flight" response) can't last forever. It's only a small subset of people who can keep up that hyperfocused, high-functioning ability long term. Many EMTs (emergency medical technicians) and ER docs are good at that, and I suppose combat soldiers too.

My husband who has dementia went off on his own in cold weather recently, with no shoes, socks, hat or coat on. I called the police who returned him home fairly soon, but it took me about a month to "bounce back" from that unexpected event.

The doctor did say that I probably fainted due to my heart rate suddenly dropping after running on pure adrenaline for so long. I’m also somewhat prone to fainting although there’s no real medical reason for it.

That must’ve been scary when your husband took off! My grandmother who had Alzheimer’s took off once but that was during one of the hottest days of the summer.

If I was involved in biological research to look for effective medications and cures for anything, it’d probably be for problems like dementia and Alzheimer’s.

When you are in an extremely stressful situation, it can lead to a panic attack. In animals this is called tonic immobility. Your brain shuts down and you can no longer communicate. That part of your brain turns off. You lose your limbs and fall to the ground.

But there is a different side to stress. If a person can define a purpose and follow through on that purpose, they do not slide into the "tonic immobility" state. In your case you had purpose: "I was very involved in my son’s treatment. I suctioned blood from his mouth with a siphon, helped with his breathing treatment, and provided as much calm and comforting reassurance as I could."

It was only after he was safe that you lost your purpose and allowed yourself to shutdown.

I agree that you did very well.

Sorry to hear you and your son went through all of that. It sounds like you had a very normal reaction to dealing with that level of stress. I would be a mess for a while after that.

NTs that can handle it without reacting? Either they are good at covering their emotions, or they don't feel as strongly emotionally to create an actual physical reaction to an emergency.

Adding on to actually answer your question, I probably cope differently than non autistics. If it's possible to totally block it out, I find something else to engage my attention in until I forget. For example, I was getting on the subway tonight and saw EMS surrounding someone having an asthma attack. I felt myself joining in to hyperventilate, but since she had help and I didn't know her, I was able to walk away and read a book until the picture in my mind changed.

For emergencies with loved ones, I think I cope by over researching and over planning. Treatments, outcomes, rehab schedules, any small detail that I can get to know more about the issue. Not to in any way overrule a doctor. It may or may not help the person, but it keeps the issue in my mental/verbal/analytical mind and out of pictures/emotions/ptsd.

I agree w/the others it sounds like you did well. And as you said, you have family to help you cope. I just started a thread where I basically said I don't think it is possible to cope alone, as I'm trying to do. You had a real emergency involving a family member which is more acute/severe than what I have to deal with. And it's true I don't pass out. I just get paralyzed b/c I have no coping strategies. I can't emphasize this enough, as important as it is to have them and to be as resilient and strong as you can ultimately you cannot do it alone. It isn't possible. I'll go ahead and contradict what I just said by saying I know some people do, but that's pretty rare. You need a support system, otherwise you can't cope.

I try to stay focused on what I need to do to deal with the situation. I quickly think about the steps I can take to deal with things imminently & then I apply action into carrying them out. Taking action helps me worry less. The big problem comes when things are beyond my control like if I have to rely on others to do everything or if I just have to wait things out. That is when I really start falling apart. Taking an anxiety med like Klonopin can help me relax but it's only a band-aid fix.

BTW OP I'm glad you & your son are doing OK now.