Anxiety over meeting therapist :( help!

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Tomorrow I'm meeting my new therapist for the first time. According to my doctor, she has experience with autism (combined with high intelligence).

The previous one I consulted (after a severe psychological crash a few years ago) just flat out told be he didn't believe I was burnt out, because of the way I presented myself (appearance).

What he didn't know was that I planned my entire day around functioning during consultation. I didn't attend any university lectures, stayed at home with earplugs in all day, and having a few coffees before to have a little bit of energy. If I would have done my normal daily routine, I wouldn't have been able to hold conversation because of overload...

So, how would you go about during a first consultation with a new therapist? Years of masking have made my default mode to be acting as NT as possible, so I am anxious about how she can untangle my struggles to increase my functioning and independence...

Any advice is welcome!

Last edited by JSBACH on 27 May 2019, 3:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't know how to advise you as I have never seen a therapist before. It is easy to say "Relax"... when all inside may be screaming out... But I will say the following to try to help you. Everything will be ok.

My anxiety is not so much about having to meet someone I haven't met before. I'm afraid because to the outside world I often seem to be very high functioning. (And I have been denied accommodations and help in the past because I don't look impaired enough)

They don't see how I crash and shut down every single day.
They often think I'm very good at holding conversations/presentations..., little do they know that everything is scripted in advance.
Same goes for stimming. Putting a lot of effort into looking normal, but in the privacy of my home, I can't hold back any longer and I flap and rock...

Hopefully, my therapist has enough experience to be able to see beyond the facade, so I can get the help needed to function again!

I hope as well that you will get the help you need. You are probably better off then the last therapist as having a new therapist means that you will have someone fresh so they will take a look at your symptoms again.

Going to a therapist is the opposite of going to a job interview.

The goal is not to impress someone, but to (in a sense) do the opposite: to expose how messed up you may, or may not, be.

Just relax, and speak from the heart, and be honest about whatever dirty linen you have to expose (whatever you're less than proud about about yourself).


You said yourself that you mask being NT too much.

All the more reason to not mask anything. Just relax and speak freely.

++++++++++++++++

Just noticed your second post.

When you're with the therapist why not just cut loose with your stims, and just stim away? And just rock to your hearts content -the way you wish you could in public, but cant? Would probably speak louder than words to her about your autism.

If seeing a new therapist doesn't work out for you, would you consider group therapy?

Thanks naturalplastic,

That's really good advice. However the last part about stimming, I've been denying my diagnosis for years, only the past year, I've began identifying myself as autistic.
While the mask has been lowering (taking sensory breaks, asking for accommodations), I feel like I would attract the wrong kind of attention upon stimming, and even don't dare to wear earmuffs in public (earplugs are not as effective, but are less conspicuous).

It's a pity we live in an ableist society...
Right now, I have to hide my real self to be successful in my field of study. This always leads to the repeating pattern of: working to hard --> crashing.

Maybe my therapist can help me becoming more comfortable doing what I have to do to stay regulated, whether I'm in public, or not?

As the past has proven, for me keeping up the mask is no longer feasible, neither do I have the energy to do it all day long.

I'm afraid my environment won't react well to me being more openly autistic...

You mean like, autism support groups? I'm not aware of any in my neighbourhood.

I know multiple auties/aspies that are extremely successful academically (eg. Phd in mathematics, doctor in chemistry...), but none of them are able to be full time employed. I'm scared of the future.

For now, I consider this forum a form of group therapy. Despite my low post count, I've been reading on a daily basis for almost a year. I must say I've learnt more on this forum than from all therapy sessions combined.
There seems to be a consensus and general knowledge about issues and coping strategies that has yet to find its way towards the professional field.

It's an honor to be part of this forum, and am grateful for all the knowledge you've been sharing so far!

Me too. I have to let my mother do the talking, telling all my symptoms, etc

I've been commented on 'to have made personal growth' because I came alone to important appointments (doctor/psychologist/...), while in the past I also brought my mother with me.

This was because I had a hard time taking in all the verbal information at once, and needed help interpreting non verbal messages of the person speaking to me. Nowadays, I tend to record and playback again to listen at my own tempo. I'm often surprised to what all the information I miss while speaking!

Coping strategy has changed, it's root cause remained the same!