My dad Grounded me for the whole summer

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hi i already posted this in the adolescent part of the forum, but i thought it might get more replies here. i hope its ok to post it in two different places, i am really sorry if it is not allowed, i do not want to get into trouble its just the other forum seems quieter and i think this is ok to post here too, i hope so

I'm a boy of 14, my names Liam and i need to talk and maybe get advice. i only recently got diagnosed as having Aspergers about 1 month ago and we already thought i had it anyway and i had loads of assessments and stuff. Because my behaviour can be really bad sometimes and i cause a lot of problems and recently i was rude to a teacher at school, plus i was truanting a lot and doing badly in class and getting in late and getting too many detentions, my dad said i needed to be punished so he decided to ground me for 3 months....June/July/August... so that i remain grounded all summer and only come off it in September. I am trying to beg him to reduce it to a month or something, i can't believe he is grounding me for the entire summer! Ok i know i deserve to be punished but also i have a bad time in school. i struggle and i do not like it, my aspergers makes it harder. I tried to tell him this and he was angry and told me to stop arguing with him. Really i guess there is not much i can do or say now as he has made up his mind but i am very upset that my punishment is so harsh. Should i try to talk to him more about it? i don't want to make him more angry but i feel its unfair when he won't even listen to my side of it and my reasons for being bad in school

i also hate having Aspergers, its not a lot of fun and i find it hard in school! Anyway i'm new here this was my first post and hello everyone i hope to make new friends here

Have you tried talking to them about private tutoring??

Wait, wait, wait. We need more information. What exactly did you say or do to this teacher? It’s hard to give advice not knowing the scale of your offense, or offenses.

Also, did the teacher objectively deserve your rudeness? Let’s be honest here, some of them are jerks. My kid is five and seriously tries the patience of his teachers, but believe me, I have my eye on them too. If they tried to be a jerk to him back I would descend on them like you wouldn’t believe.

Either way though, I would ask your dad if there is some work program you could do for him to win back his trust. Do chores on a schedule or learn something useful and specific, like how to build something or do a summer academic program with a test or certification at the end. Then you would also have something to do.

First of all, I would suggest letting your dad's anger and upset have a chance to settle down. Angry people are seldom reasonable and trying to argue with them at that time will usually make them dig into their decision more deeply.
Don't assume because he is being nice or quiet that he is over his anger. It can return, so be sure that you have waited at least a couple days.

You know you were wrong to do what you did, that's a good start. Even if a teacher deserves your outburst, it does not make it the right thing to do. If you have an issue with a teacher or anyone else, you must bring it up at an appropriate time and in a calm and sensible manner. If you are upset, then try to express that, it doesn't help to verbally attack the other person.

When the time is right, ask your Dad if you could have a chance to talk to him about what happened. It won't help your situation if you try to excuse your behavior or say that it was warranted based on whatever the teacher did.
Write a letter of apology for the teacher even if you had to apologize in person. If you haven't apologized in person you need to do that also. Is there some task that you could do in class that could make amends to the teacher? Maybe you can ask the teacher what would be helpful. Again, don't make excuses for your behavior in the letter.

Once you have shown to the teacher and your Dad that you accept that what you did was wrong and also know that you have work to do on your behavior then it is time to make a plan.
What can you do this summer that might help you to have a better work ethic, more commitment to your studies, and more control over your emotions?

Do chores? Find a job in the neighborhood? Volunteer? Find a free program online to work on some school subjects (like Khan academy)? Attending summer school might be good idea as long as it isn't just going to be putting you under the same stress that the regular school year did.

Once you have shown by your words AND actions that you are sincerely trying AND making progress at improving yourself, then it might be reasonable to ask your Dad if there is a way you can shorten your punishment. Perhaps even having a sort of probation for the rest of the summer which will mean the punishment returns if your behavior returns to the way it was.

Hope you let us know how the summer progresses. Good luck

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Grounding for an extended period of time does not make a lot of sense because the consequences are too far removed from the original transgressions. However, your dad is the parent and you have to do what he says.

That said, the post from beady outlines an excellent program for resolving your problem. Following through with those suggestions would move you forward in your life, even if you spend the summer grounded.

Here is what I would recommend.

Approach your dad when he's not in a bad mood and tell him that you acknowledge that your conduct and work ethic has been poor this year, and ask him if there is anything you can do to atone for your behaviour and decrease the amount of time you're grounded for. If you haven't started your school holidays yet, maybe suggest getting to school on time and getting your homework done for the remainder of the term to show you're serious about change, or you could suggest taking on more than your usual share of chores for the duration of summer. If your father says that nothing you can do will lessen your grounding, then you'll just have to take it on the chin this time, learn from your mistakes and do better next term.

Look at this from your father's point of view. If he lets you off scot-free this time then you'll be given the perception that you can get away with the same sort of behaviour next time and get off scot-free. If he lessens your punishment just because you ask him to, he's giving you the impression that that'll work next time too. If you don't want to be punished to the extent that your father has laid out, your best bet is negotiating an alternate way that you can atone for your bad behaviour.

THANKS everyone, some great advice. i will try talking to him again in a few days but he is still angry right now and warned me this morning not to bring it up again

i don't think being at an all boys school helps with my behaviour in school, i really hate it at all boys and i wanted to go to a mixed school!

School is a lousy experience for many smart aspies. Can you get accommodations for some of your (I assume) sensory problems, being around too many people and too many demands coming all at once. For example, a quiet room where you can go when you start to melt down, instead of swearing at the teacher? This is a hugely important skill to learn.

I could be wrong, but I don't think going to a mixed school will reduce your coping problems.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

It seems as if your dad comes off as the extreme type who loves giving you a hard time just because you are on the spectrum, but after reading posts in this thread, your dad in all actuality loves you and in turn, you should say to him that you take full responsibility for your actions, including your bad behavior at school.

Are there any alternative schools close to you where you think you can fit in well? I attended an alternative school in my home city for my high school years and it was relatively great except I didn't fit in very well because the majority of my peers were hipster-wannabes, punk-rocker types, or just students who loved rejecting others who were not the same. Like a few other classmates, I was very much an anonymity, an outsider.

However, I am actually glad I didn't have friends during this time in part because not many understood what the spectrum was and at least two teachers let bullies intimidate other students.

When you are not grounded, where do you go?

How late do you stay out?

Who do you go with?

When I was young, I never got grounded

It wasn't necessary

No car

No driver's license

No friends

Public transportation ok



No $$$$


Not much to do in the area

But they were pretty controlling about where I went

School, work, jail

Not much exception

Stircrazy






When I was your age, my house did not contain internet access


A three month grounding sounds disproportionate, but if you have electronics to play with, what's the problem