An adult in need of advice

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As my career has advanced over the last couple of years it has become more amd more obvious that I have some social deficits. I have the ability to irritate or even anger coworkers and customers while being completely oblivious as to what happened or even that I have done it. This is having serious implications on my career.

I started with trying to research how to read social cues as that is what my boss keeps mentioning. Now I find myself questioning if I am on the spectrum. Reading the resources at autismspeaks.org led me to believe that I probably am but have some coping mechanisms that are now becoming a hindrance.

I am an adult and do not have health insurance so I am afraid that my resources may be limited. Does anyone have any advice or at least a place to start with figuring out where to go from here?

Hello.

Where to go in regard to what? Becoming more socially adept? Or, how to get assessed for autism?

Check out the book: Don't Burp In The Boardroom. I forgot the name of the female author. It's got great practical advice on workplace etiquette and interacting with others in such a setting.

If you happen to live near either a major city or a university town, there might be a nearby place where psychology grad student "externs" work under the direction of licensed, degreed psychotherapists. Such places charge much less money (but have much longer waiting lists) than a fully qualified psychotherapist would. You need to find out if there are any such places in your area where psychotherapy "externs" get trained in the specialty of diagnosing ASD in adults.

If you don't mind telling us, in what general locale do you live? Someone here might be able to help you find a good place to get diagnosed and then, hopefully, counseled.

Then, while you are on the waiting list, spend time reading up on ASD.

There are several good books on the subject of Aspergers (High Functioning Autistic) for example, you might read:
The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood.

That can provide a clearer understanding to the condition.

Also you could take an on-line test that will give you an approximate diagnosis. Here is a link to one. Autism Spectrum Quotient

It almost sounds like you want a resource that would be a guide to understanding social cues. I do not know if anyone wrote such a book but perhaps someone on the site can recommend a resource of this type.

Maybe the book "Been There, Done That, Try This - An Aspie's Guide to Life on Earth" might help!

Thank you for your responses. I guess in the short term I need to better understand and hopefully improve my social skills, but I am definitely interested in seeking out a professional for diagnosis and treatment. As far as my location I am in New Orleans. I am going to head to Barns and Noble to look for the books you mentioned.

Well Barns and Noble had absolutely nothing. I'm going to have to check Amazon.

You would not imagine how many jobs I have lost because of my lack of social skills. I really think that your main goal should be to get into a job where they have health insurance. What happens if you break your leg? I am assuming you are in the USA because if you were in a civilized country you would have health care. So in other words-- if you are not "getting" the place where you work, you should look for another job in a field where people are more like you. If your manager actually has a beef with you he (or she, I don't know) probably has you on a firing list anyway (if they need to fire someone they generally have a list of the people they don't like very well). I learned this myself and should have started to look for a job when we got the new manager. He only "kept" the people he had personally hired when the company had to get rid of people.

They offer it, but because of financial pressures I had to choose between being able to afford to insure my Daughter or myself. Honestly my boss treats me better than I deserve. He has made excuses for me and stood up for me beyond what I can objectively say is reasonable to expect and he has done it for years.

I am only just beginning to understand what is going on. For years I felt like I was trying to find a solution to a problem I couldn't see, much less understand. I never considered that I might be an aspie or even really understood what it was. Now it makes more sense but I am looking at it all and thinking "well now what?"

I have been reading Been there, Done that, try this. I am finding it very enlightening and a lot of the advice seems helpful, but I think I am going to have to do something drastic to find a way to see someone to help me. I may try to find a second job.

Here is contact info for the Autism Society of Greater New Orleans. Hopefully they can refer you to a good place for adult diagnosis. (If money is an issue and you don't have insurance that can cover it, hopefully they can refer you to some place where you can be tested by a psychotherapy trainee.)

You can also in the meantime check out the "NT/AS forum" on here for some common questions and answers. You may find some of the tips helpful, or you can post your own questions.

One thing Dr. Tony Attwood recommends in some of his YouTube videos is saying things like "I'm the type of person who..." and follow up with things you have learned you have issues with. Maybe if your coworkers know that "I'm the type of person who has a hard time understanding sarcasm" or "I'm the type of person who is sometimes rude by accident, so please let me know if that happens so I can apologize," then they may be more understanding. You don't necessarily need a formal diagnosis, or to share that you suspect a diagnosis, to do that. I would think about whether that is a good idea for your specific situation, or maybe ask a trusted friend or colleague if they think it would be helpful.

It is actually interesting that you said this exact thing. I had a chance to catch up with a friend from the dog park that I take my dogs to today. She reminded me that one of our close friends who doesn't come that often any more is a retired therapist! I reached out to her and asked her if she knew anyone and she invited me over to her house to talk tonight.

It was two hours of talking about literally everything in my life. She explained so much to me and I really feel like it was helpful. She suggested that very thing and ironically it was the one thing that she suggested that I couldn't see myself doing. Maybe I really need to give it more thought.

Interestingly enough she asked if I thought I might be on the spectrum within a few minutes. She said I could get tested if I wanted to but the results would only label what I am or am not. The issues that I am facing and have faced will not change as a result. Right now we are just going to try to find healthy ways to deal with things as they come. I feel a lot better that I am at least taking some first steps.

Thank you all so much for your advice, thank you for the advice that I am sure is still to come. I am so glad that I posted on here.

I would think about it for a few days, and maybe start small...you don't have to jump in with something huge. I have also used "I just wanted you to know that I come from a very direct, sometimes blunt, family, so it is sometimes hard for me to pick up on subtle hints from people. Please feel free to be blunt with me if I ever seem to be ignoring what you are trying to communicate. I probably didn't realize, and I'm trying to work on that." That will also let them know that YOU may sometimes seem too blunt by accident.

Wrong-Planet has an 'In-Depth Adult Life' Forum.

I think that's the best approach generally, and that's still how I try to tackle it after a few years to get more comfortable with my diagnosis. Although an official diagnosis can be useful when dealing with bureaucracy, and there are some traits which large groups of us share, in practice we're too diverse for there to be any "one size fits all" strategy for improving our lives. For starters, we don't all have the same ambitions for ourselves, nor the same starting point. The variety of traits includes polar opposites; hyper-sensitivity and hypo-sensitivity, hyperlexics and picture-thinkers, alexithymics and empaths. Any given trait may be disabling in one context but a source of great reward in another, and each of us would rate different traits as being the ones that create the most difficulties (or pleasures) in our lives. And all of these factors may change with time or with stress levels.

There's not a single person here who's total experience of autism is exactly the same as mine or yours, but I have found many who's experiences of specific aspects of it are very similar. Sometimes the traits where I differ from them make their advice less useful to me, but otherwise, I don't care a jot if they're my polar opposite in any other respect. The recognition of a diagnosis can be helpful, for psychological as well as practical reasons, but the diagnostic criteria are too limited to capture the breadth of autism's effects, nor a great deal of detail which you don't already know about yourself (even if it is nice to not to be doubted for a change!) Coming to Wrong Planet is a great "first step" in itself, in my opinion.