Am I Dreaming?

Post Reply New Topic

My life in the last few years seems to have been on a decline. But the last couple of months it has been on a voyage of discovery and now, it's like I am in a dream thinking "Did that just happen?"
On the one hand I am thinking "Oh gosh! What have I done?", but at the same time I have feelings of "This is the answer I have been trying to find!"
But looking logically. What do I know.
1. I share some autistic traits.
2. I have discovered and I believe I have partial shutdowns. (If they are not then what are they(?) as nothing else fits quite the way that these fit the description).
3. I am unique and different so I find difficulty in "Fitting in". I always have. I can be part of a group, but it feels like I am lying when I do... "Pretending" is a more accurate word. And I can only keep up the pretense for so long.
4. I often feel there is a real me trying to get out, or thinking things like "If only they knew the real me" ad thoughts like that. Is this normal?
I could go on and on...

But this dream world I am drifting theough and in. It is like I am drifting along through some swampy waters... Looking around trying to find where I am... Trying to latch onto a key feature which I may recognise... Like a landmark on a map...
And as I am drifting, I slowly drift along the calm river towards the eventual date of the assessment which will one day come... And it is as if the assessment could be a waterfall, where rhis calm river could be deceptive... and I am heading towards a waterfall but by the time I see it coming, it will be too late to head for shore!

I am concerned about the assessment. Strangely enough, though this time I don't really know how I am going to manage it, when ("If"as I have not heard they have had the go ahead) I start work again, it feels like nothing compared to the percieved stress of the assessment. Do I cancel it and get off the river before it's too late? Do I go over the waterfall where there's no way to turn back? Where once assessed I could be declared a total nutcase... ? Where any goals in life could be effected? Where I may never be able to "Hide" in being normal again? (Not that I am normal, but I can usually pass as being normal... If there was a gate where they do a quick check and only normal people are allowed past the gate, I could somehow pass the gate without anyone noticing, but then when passed the gate I will be in a world of terror, frightened incase I put one word out of place, or do one thing different where I maybe discovered... And the whole of society comes after me to try to kill me...! !!

Oh gosh. The world can be a scary place for me! But I'm a NT? Right? Or am I? I just have to go down that waterfall. There's no going back. I HAVE TO KNOW! Dangerous! Why am I doing this? Why torture myself? Because I have to know. I have to!

So for now I drift through the dream world of time. The days go by... drifting.... On alert... Looking out for danger... On edge!.... High alert..... Drifting through this swamp... This swampy jungle river of life.....

This was a clever way of putting things.

The way I see it, if you are on the autistic spectrum, or even if it is something else which afflicts you, it isn't going to go away because you believe it or not. Anything related to an innate problem you have that is going to screw you over will screw you over whether it is labeled or not.

Set your goals, and do your best to achieve them. More information can only help you.

Thanks The Other. Sometimes I write to reassure myself as well as sharing.

MountainGoat,

I am similar

1. I know I have some autistic traits, number one being special interests different in type and intensity.
2. I don't shut down per se, but I do practice discretion in what I say. I have learned not to tell everything, as people aren't interested or have a short attention span.
3. I fit in well now and am well-liked, but when the conversation turns to marriage and children, I'm left out.
4. I often wonder if I could pursue my interests better if I were more normal.

Hello,

Somehow you will need to find a way to be comfortable with yourself. I made a conscious decision to not change with the landscape but to be one person all the time. I'm not pretending; I'm not lying; I'm not changing for anyone. Every interaction with people will include a "tone setter". I don't need to be it and I don't need to follow it. The very nature of the full spectrum lends itself to leaving too much to interpretation. Only you know if you really fit anywhere and no diagnosis will confirm it, the science/logic is bad. The characteristics and traits fit other places. It can't be and not be at the same time. They were at a loss so they've created a label. You are still stuck with how you cope in the world and how can you do this with more ease. If you have functioned to this point in society (granted with difficulty) then you need to identify your current issue and fix it. I can say this makes life much more difficult but how do I actually know when the only struggles I can know are my own.