Masking- it's foreign to me

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I hear increasing talk of people with ASD/Asperger's masking. I just don't get it. I'm not aware on a conscious/deliberate level of ever masking . Indeed I'd struggle to see how to do it. Analysing all the factors in real time ,to mentally compute a set of actions and behaviours that masks your ASD/Asperger's seem quite fantastical to me .

Even if you don't realize it, you were masking (or attempting to mask) when you went to the library for that group meeting. You were conciously trying to be social and deliberately trying to participate for the social aspect of it. This, in itself, is a form of masking.

The real you might not even go to the library in the first place, or go, but not care/remember how you were being perceived. However, you were quite aware of how the others gelled well with each other, whereas you, despite your efforts (a key part of masking) felt out-of-step. You thought about it, realized it, still tried to be "socially appropriate," despite failing. This is all part of masking.

I think we all mask (to varying degrees) when out and about dealing with NTs. We have to. Survival.

I'm curious about why some do this and some don't. But I guess that comes down to personality, at least in part.

I self-identify and have no diagnosis, so as a kid I never had anyone telling me why I was different. I just had a hyper-awareness of differences like having more difficulty with eye contact, flat affect, etc. I tried to appear and sound "normal' for a few reasons: 1) I thought I was supposed to; 2) I did not want to be like my father, who has all these traits; and 3) I got tired of constantly being ignored and talked over (which still happens). I realized if I keep looking away when I talk, like I naturally do, people assume I'm done talking. They don't listen to all the words you use and realize you only said three. I copied people in movies and TV to see how they conveyed emotions I felt, because it's natural for me to just say what I feel, but without any affect this doesn't really register with people.

I work very hard to appear timid, shy, and lazy (other people's view of me).

You can definitely do it--isn't it essentially teaching yourself what ABA therapy is supposed to do? The price you pay is developing a huge sense of self-loathing for denying who you are, and feeling a huge panic attack coming at the thought of looking at another face, most days.

I don't think masking is so foreign as you think. Isn't it necessary to get a job?

^^I'd never thought of it that way. A perhaps silly question I would ask is is masking more about the suppression of autistic behaviours or more about actively adopting NT actions/behaviours to a situation ?

Even from little , with my siblings , I was not that social. I'll be as social as I can,in my ham-fisted way, if a situation occurs that involves interacting, but it's not my default position. For me that's a matter of being polite.

My mental health depot nurse and pdoc , I'm sure, would like me to interact with others more. Going to the group at the library was trying to fit in with that. I think sometimes I do things because it's expected rather than I feel totally comfortable doing it .

Behaving 'appropriately' I guess is on my mind but I'm just not very good at doing it. It's not a desire to offend but more like walking blind in the minefield of social engagement.

Anecdotal- When my mother was alive I'd visit her by taxi. One thing I did , as I thought it was the expected thing , was try and say something to the taxi driver. I did this on the way home when invariably there was sports on the radio. I'd ask questions about it , and use my very basic knowledge to offer an opinion when replied to.
It was I guess,on hindsight, trying to be 'socially normal'.


^ I'm not saying masking is foreign to others. It's just something I've struggled to see as applying to me .

As a kid I noticed other children seemed to just know things that I didn't have a clue about. Later I realised that if I copied the ones who appeared successful I could be included more, quite hit and miss without the needed understanding lol. It is worth mentioning that I grew up early, so the survival bit mentioned by ezbzbfcg2 was at play.
I grew up hiding the parts of me that society generally rejected, the socially inept side of me. Its tiring though, something I'm less able for and linked to my experiences with anxiety and depression.

I can relate to that. My report cards for every quarter of elementary school said, "Does not interact with other students." But no school staff ever talked to me about this. I think they thought I was just shy or would grow out of not being social. I was kind of forced to blend in at a certain point, even if I'm not great at it.

I also have a mother and grandmother with many cluster B personality traits. So unless I wanted to get hit or screamed at, I learned how to respond to them.

id say masking is doing something that you wouldnt normally do with the intent to fit in. you're suppressing your autistic traits which is stressful but you become used to it. social interactions with nts come naturally and autistics usually have to figure out how to make it work. later in life you realize you're like the rest of us and hopefully are able to be yourself

^^^^ I've heard conflicting stories about ABA. I think it's something that needs to be done earlier than later, ie not much good for a late,middle aged person .

aba is a terrible practice and forces kids to suppress their natural autistic traits instead of letting them be free to explore their life their way. they make them mask and basically be a different person.

I would say both. For me the main aspect was to try to fit in. I did this successfully for most of my schooling but it didn't really work in secondary school age (11 to 16) so by the time I reached college (Age 16 to 18) The enviroment was so difficult for me to adapt to that whatever I did I had difficulty to look and act normal, so I quickly developed an "Acting thick" mask which really worked well for about a year and a half or just over, where it was discovered and then everything came crashing down around me.

I have noticed in employment I tend to look to leave for another job when the mask wears out. The last few months or year or so inbetween the wearing out of the masking and the time I do leave are the most horrible times.

When I first watched about masking on Youtube, I found I was in awe as I was listening but I realized I masked but in different ways to the autistic lady I was listening to. My eyes opened to something I had done for most of my life.

While masking and not knowing I was (As it is something one has learned to mask so one can appear to be normal or hide ones true self), it was like there is a real me wanting to break out but I don't know what the real me is? I have been masking for so long and the real me has been taught in school and like "Don't do this and don't do that (E.g. fidgiting... Bouncing leg up and down to help concentrate... "Look at me what I'm talking to you!"... (I can look but don't expect me to get what you have just said when I have looked! (Hence I put my face towards you but my eyes focus on the area to the left or the right of your face))), I was always feeling frightened of being discovered. It was like someone who has told a lot of lies and is soo scared that the truth may come out and ones whole credibility collapses around oneself, where even if one then tells the truth nothing is believed... Masking feels like lying. Yet, I don't know how not to mask. I have done it for so many years, that my method is to keep changing my work enviroment or have few friends and then after a couple of years distance myself from them... (If I change people like this my masking is never discovered and I do ok).
On a one to one basis, you are more likely to get the real me though with subdued partially masked qualities (Due to many years of being told "Don't", e.g. foot stimming, hand "Figit" stimming etc.), but if I then am in a group, even though you may be with me in the group I will be acting differently... I will be masking, or I will be facial masking (Smiling at everyone or anything that moves) but be trying to stay quiet and not entering into conversations except for brief ones so I don't have to mask... But as soon as I start needing to chat among a group of people the mask goes on.. I have a young brother who is very sociable and intelligent and he can see sraight through me and he tells me off after, so I try to avoid conversation at all when in groups of people so I don't have to mask.
It is like a double shyness. I am shy because I am trying to cope and I am shy anyway because I lack the confidence...

Te very strange thing is that if I am a speaker (Which I do not like doing) either I won't speak at all and refuse to go on stage, or I will speak and come across as the most confident expert speaker around. I believe God pushes me forward when I have had to do this and gives me the confidence and the ability to speak, as naturally I will do all I can to avoid doing this. So if you ever see me going up on a stage to speak know this. It is most likely God inspired as naturally I can't do it. The wierd thing is that the times I have done this in a church or similar setting, I have been listening to myself talk as I am almost unaware of what I am saying... This is when I know God is speaking through me.

Something I don't want to do is go into acting. It is said that autistic people make brilliant actors. Oh gosh. I hate acting. When I had to do it in school, I would hate doing it. I have enough acting when I am masking without adding a whole new fake world on top!

Masking... It is tiring, and the longer one maske the more tiring it is as it is combined with the fear of being discovered!

Trying to appear to be someone I'm not never worked very well for me. The problem is that no matter how I try to act, I'll still do things like not recognize people, miss social signals, or be unable to keep up in conversations. If someone thinks I'm "normal", they often decide my lapses are due to being stuck up or hateful, and treat me accordingly. But if they realize I'm not, even if they don't know the specifics, then they are less likely to get offended.

It can be either or both, depending on the situation.

And while it's necessary and unavoidable sometimes, it can cost you a lot, as somebody already pointed out. I taught my son to think before trying to blindly fit it and estimate the costs and benefits of masking before doing it. I would have loved to teach him to never do it, but it's just not possible.


Sadly, this is how many of us started doing it, quite early on. Being bullied, shamed, humiliated or ignored too...

Masking is foreign to me too and it seems what some people call masking, I call learning.

When I was young a neighbor of mine befriended me and arranged to go on double dates with me by setting me up with guys she knew.
I would sit in the car absolutely silent because I had no idea what to say to them or talk about.

Eventually I taught myself some small talk so I would have something to say on a date.
I like small talk. It makes it easy to respond to people.

I was once kicked off a bus late at night for not greeting the bus driver as I got on the bus.
I learned then to always greet the driver.

I was told by a cashier that I should that I should always say hello because I didn't know enough to do that.

To me those things are learning, not masking.

I never paid enough attention to how other people interacted with each other and it would be too hard to mimic them.
I was told that I should make eye contact when on a job interview but was too overwhelmed to remember to try to do eye contact.

I can't imagine studying and analyzing other peoples behavior to mimic them. It must be terribly hard and I can see how it must be tiring.

Last edited by Marybird on 26 Jul 2019, 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

firemonkey, that was my first thought, I'm not "masking": I'm just extremely insecure so watching everybody's reactions, and filtering my impulses, and making adjustments all the time..... oh, wait - that's masking? I do it All. The. Time. I'm exhausted.

Now I am starting to not mask as much... "Oh, you know me, I could do that [unpleasant thing for others] all day long." With my BFF (likely Aspie) I don't have to mask at all and our conversations go all over the place and mostly come back, if not, no worries. I mostly control my impulses around NTs: e.g., not to digress when they say something funny like "I came *acrost* an example..."

[color=black]Masking is synonymous with acting -- pretending to be something or someone other than yourself. For example, when delivering a status report on a project, figuratively "wearing a Mr. Spock mask" helps me stick to the facts and arrive at a logical conclusion. When trying to make others laugh, figuratively "wearing a Rodney Dangerfield mask" puts others in a good mood, for example...

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I tell ya, my ex-wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek -- she bent over!

My ex-wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

(With thanks to Rodney Dangerfield, wherever he is.)