Decoding myself

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I’ve had a hard time trying to define or explain certain things about myself. Rather, I haven’t been able to put my finger on a concept that describes my experience. Having always been myself, I don’t know what is specifically explained by autism and what is just common to humans. I’ll just present it as best I can and see if I can crowdsource an answer or maybe there will be recognition.

I’ve never been someone that visibly or “classically” stims. But a lot of small, concentrated things I do have been described elsewhere as examples of stimming. There’s always been a sensation I’ve had, and I suppose it’s sensory-related, that my body, limb, muscle, etc feels very strongly where it should be in space or relation to the rest or other parts of my body. Once I’ve moved to that location (it could be a minuscule movement) there’s a feeling that it’s where it should be, and it’s like it just feels right. Many times that motion becomes repetitive, to enjoy the sensation of “clicking in”. Sometimes it’s become not so great, when I might feel like I’m stuck trying to duplicate the motion or final location exactly, and failing. Does anyone recognize this? Is there a word for it?

Since this is your first post - Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I am not sure what you are talking about but I will throw out a guess.

As humans, we are born with seven senses. These are the five senses traditionally ascribed to humans, which are vision, hearing, taste, smell and touch. The sixth sense is called proprioception, the perception of body position, which is important for balance and agility in movement. The seventh sense is vestibular, which is the perception of our body in relation to gravitational force and acceleration.

Proprioception is the sense of the relative position of neighboring parts of the body and strength of effort being employed in movement. This sense is very important as it lets us know exactly where our body parts are, how we are positioned in space and to plan our movements. This sense encompasses fine and gross motor skills. Examples of our proprioception in practice include being able to clap our hands together with our eyes closed, write with a pencil and apply with correct pressure, and navigate through a narrow space.

The vestibular system explains the perception of our body in relation to gravity, movement and balance. The vestibular system measures acceleration, g-force, body movements and head position. The vestibular system includes the parts of the inner ear and brain that help control balance and eye movements. Examples of the vestibular system in practice include knowing that you are moving when you are in an elevator, knowing whether you are lying down or sitting up, and being able to walk along a balance beam.

Is it really about where your body and limbs should be in space, or is it to feel where they are in space?
A lot of stimming is about proprioception.

I'm pretty much a classic stimmer.
When I wake up in the morning my toes and fingers are wiggling. I don't think about it, it just happens.
I'm always stimming.
I pace and rock and all kinds of stimming including biting fingers and knocking against walls.
I feel uncomfortable when I try not to stim.

If you have a proprioception problem you probably do it automatically without thinking.

Yeah, I figured it might be a proprioception thing, but I always have thought of it as where I should be (and the motion going along with it) rather than where I am. Then again, ‘feel[ing] uncomfortable when I try not to stim’ might be a different way of seeing the same thing? Since I’ve never been a stimmer in the way it’s always described, I’m only now looking at things I do as possibly fitting that definition. A lot of that probably had to do with my social inhibitions going as far back as I remember. I was so terrified of being noticed that most of the time I barely moved at all if I could avoid it. I ended up self-soothing in very small ways.

Sounds like there could be some ritualistic OCD here. Kind of reminds me of people who need to tap their hands X amount of times or their whole body feels off.

In the past, if I did a 360° turn for some reason, I'd feel this need, at some point, to turn back 360° in the opposite direction or else I felt "off," like my body needed to be spun back around again. It sounds irrational, but I felt this need to do it.

Don't know if either of those apply.

I do like your user name though. "Civil as an orange." That's either Shakespeare or Monty Python.