Crying easily - and being embarrassed about it

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Hi, first post here! Sorry but it'll be long.

Actually, it might end up sounding a bit chaotic, but I guess it's just the way my mind works.

Anyway, a little bit of general information: no, I haven't been diagnosed yet, planning to see a specialist that the Aspie community from my country recommended, but it's pricey and we're on a tight budget.

I have seen a specialist who tends to have many patients 'flying under the radar' -those with so-called 'milder' ASD. I had been warned about that fact, but it was the only place that was free of charge, so well. It was quite a stressful experience, though, since she has her practice at one of the psychiatric hospitals in my country, where women with severe mental problems are hospitalised -many live there for years on end. Scary, to tell the truth: all the shouting I could hear, especially while I was waiting for the Dr. and I was all alone. By the time she arrived the first time I was about to cry, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.


OK, enough about that. The situation is this:

I've always cried very easily. Even now, as an adult. And this is especially so when:

a) I feel insulted
b) I feel misunderstood/not heard
c) I feel I'm being treated unjustly/unfairly
d) the other person is acting in a way that is illogical to me or is imposing rules that don't make sense to me

So, despite my age, I'm going to college - I want to become a certified EFL teacher, in my country that's about four years of college (if you take all of your subjects, final exams, practicum in a timely manner). Apart from that I work as an EFL teacher in a secondary school about 12 hour a week (plus all the work I do at home, preparing lessons, checking assignments, etc.), and I'm a mother of two. If everything goes according to plan, I should graduate by mid 2020.

I'll add a bit more context, so you get a better picture. I have a previous degree, an MA (plus a teaching degree) in Sociology (I used to teach Sociology at a teacher training college but I quitted because my students wouldn't study, and after five years it started affecting my mental health ). Due to that fact, I had got a chair teaching a subject at the teacher training college where I study. And that's kind of when it all started.

Let's just say that I never saw an issue with my 'double role' because at the university where I had studied before it was normal to start working as a TA while being a student. But it seems that many of my classmates and colleagues hated it, and thus became hostile towards me. To this day (this started in 2017) there are still people who don't even say hello to me, not even when we are the only two people in the classroom, not even after I say hi (yeap, one of my mottos is 'politeness above all - I also try to live according to Kant's categorical imperative as Mich as I can). There are even teachers who have graded me differently (giving me a lower grade) because 'you're a sociologist, you're a teacher, you should do better'. wth???

So, the thing is that as of 2017-2018 I started feeling worse and worse (I have also other problems at work, but that's another story - but it all combines) so I was dragging myself around, but still getting very good marks. It was quite hard at times to get myself to go to class, because sometimes I found it extremely difficult to leave my place, sometimes I just don't have any energy left. So, to make matters worse, about a year ago the head of the school called me and told me that it had been quite unethical from me to apply for the teaching spot I had there and not mention on my résumé that I was a student there, and that there had been many complaints about it, etc, and that now there was going to be an opening for teaching the same subject at the other building and that she thought I should apply and then quit the spot I had. Anyway, I told my husband about it -because sometimes I'm not good at getting what people mean- and he said I should apply and see so as to show 'good will', but that in his opinion she was asking me to either resign or drop out of school. Anyway, I didn't get that spot, but when the semester ended I decided to quit that teaching spot.

That didn't make things any better with my classmates. One of the few classmates I have who is nice to me warned me about the rest, she had warned me before even, and she told me that there were some who acted nice but were in fact faking it. Awful! As if it weren't hard enough as it is for me to establish relationships with people

The thing is that this semester (here semesters run from the end of March to mid July and then from the end of August to the end of November) I was unlucky and I was absent three times (not in a row) in one of the subjects I'm taking, which is an annual subject with classes only on Fridays. The three times I was absent was due to health reasons (two times my son was sick, and once I was sick), and for each of them I had a note from the doctor (since I had taken sick leave from work...). I had the same with my Monday subject.

So, the teachers in these classes said that the school had to call the students' representatives to come have a meeting with us because of 'the abusive practices of some people'.

Every time I was absent I had let know my teachers the reason and I said I could bring them the Dr's note. The thing is that now my Friday teacher started the class attacking me (or at least I felt it as an attack), saying that she thought I had dropped out and that out of five classes I had been absent three times and that the class wasn't 'distance learning' nor anything of the sort, etc, and that I had imposed on her that she had to accept the Dr's note and that there was no such regulation and that I, as a Sociologist, should know it. WTH? So I just said that I wasn't imposing, that I had taken leave at work because either I or my son were sick and that as I had taken sick leave at work, I couldn't leave the house until the work doctor had come (that's how it works in my country, they can even send the doctor at 9 pm to check on you, or on a Saturday) because I could get in trouble at work, and so I had the notes as to prove I didn't just stay hone because I felt like it. I also mentioned that since school had started we had also missed classes due to holidays (I didn't mention that once we didn't have class because she went on a trip), and that I didn't choose or plan when to get sick, it's not as if we got sick on purpose when I had class.

Anyway, it kept going on for a few minutes until I just couldn't hold it anymore, and I just broke the eye contact, I just stared at her forms while she kept nagging me, and I could feel my eyes filling up with tears... I stopped talking and reacting, I just couldn't and I felt like running out and then she said -harshly, imho- "and now what is it that is upsetting you?". And then I just snapped, and I broke in tears and told her that I'm having anxiety disorder and had been to a psychiatrist last Tuesday because of it, and that Monday last week I had a panic attack in the morning and nevertheless came to class in the evening, but that everyone kept acting as if I don't care about anything and skip class just because. And that I didn't want to talk anymore and I needed to step out to the restroom.

(BTW, it is true about the anxiety and the panic attack and the psychiatrist)


Anyway, am I insane? Am I being unreasonable to want to being a doctors note in order to not be kicked out of a class? The students' representatives had said that we could, I asked, they said it was in the rules, but when I pointed that out, and said that it was the students' representatives who had said it, not I, she kept insisting that it had no value whatsoever because that's just what they said and it wasn't in the rules.

Besides that (and of course, I didn't tell her this), what's the big deal with attendance? At university they never checked attendance, you could never go as far as they cared, as long as you showed up for the exams, had done all of the reading, understood everything and get good marks, that's all that mattered.

I can't even explain how annoyed, stressed, frustrated and depressed this all makes me. I'm not a high school student anymore, for heaven's sake!

Any insight will be more than welcome.

Oh, PS: this teacher happens to be the one who got my spot (she already taught two subjects, the one I'm taking now and Pedagogy, and as of mid 2017 she also teaches the one I taught). Maybe that also plays a role?

Sounds like from what you have written that you are being unfairly treated. Everyone gets sick. 3 sick days with excuse should be no problem. I found myself at a job, my first job in a professional field after graduating being treated abominably. I got fired and it really affected me. Later, thinking about it I realized I had the power to not let other people bother me. NTs can deal with difficulties like this and just shrug it off. If the situation is really bad and you are a victim of powers beyond your control I discovered a very liberating truth. You can just walk away. Sometimes making a strong stand, even if you have to fake it, can be enough. Let people know you won't put up with it and be ready to walk out the door. Let them know you are ready.

Thanks for your reply, and sorry for having taken so long to say something about it. I did read it as soon as you posted it, but life has just been too hectic for me lately. I even think I'm sinking again into depression - but not just because of this. Too many things piled up.

Anyway, in the end, a few weeks after I posted this I dropped out of that subject. I'll be taking it with a different teacher, hopefully as of Aug. 20th, when the new semester starts. Of course, I'll be graduating later, but well, I guess my mental health is more important.

I tend to become upset not when people are unkind to me, but when they don't communicate with me or only communicate after the fact. The trouble with most "criticism," is not that it is harsh, but that it is reactive, not proactive. I also dislike when people gaslight me, saying something to make me doubt my sanity.

Thanks for your reply, Istomin Fan

I know what you mean, that sucks as well