Mild social deficits?

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I am struggling to accept that I have any social deficits. I have been diagnosed with autism (level 1), but I am awaiting a second opinion, because sometimes it just doesn't feel like the right fit.

I feel like I socialize just fine. I definitely think that I have social anxiety. But I have always felt like that is the extent of my problems socially. I've had quite a few friends throughout my life, many of them for many years. And I've recently asked them about if they felt like I've ever been socially impaired at any point in our friendship and none of them have. They think that I do just fine with eye contact and reciprocity and am not overly awkward. They have pointed out that I am well liked by many people and get along with people from lots of different social groups. I would not describe myself as an extrovert. My friends describe me as weird, funny, unique, dependable, chill, nice, quiet or reserved (in the beginning), easy to talk to, etc. I have been told that I am unapproachable at first because I don't smile, but once you get to know me I smile quite a bit.

I have definitely been called out on my eye contact before every now and then, so I don't understand how my friends don't seem to think I have a problem with it. To be fair, I feel like I can look my friends in the eyes without any issues, but I don't remember what it was like when we first met.

I will say that I have had friends in my life that I liked being around, but I never felt like I truly belonged with them. There was always some hesitation felt by me, but they were never aware of this. But then I also have some friends that I feel completely comfortable with, no hesitation whatsoever.

I have also had some issues in my closer friendships where I tend to get too clingy. I've been told that it sometimes seems like I don't understand the concept of other people needing personal time/space. I have also done many things in my friendships that I feel like isn't normal (I'm not sure why I think it isn't normal though. It just feels like it isn't.), and yet I can't stop myself from doing those things. I have problems communicating when something has upset me (I feel like it is because of anxiety), so if a friend has done something to bother me, I tend to hold onto those feelings for a really long time and eventually I lose it and then I can't seem stop telling them about how this thing bothers me.

I think that more times than not I am OVERLY aware of what is socially acceptable and what isn't. Like I don't say plenty of things because I KNOW that it's rude. Sometimes I don't say things because I'm worried that it could be rude. Again, I have always felt like this is just social anxiety. I thought that with autism you are unaware of what is socially acceptable and whatnot.

If I really do have social deficits that are caused by autism and not social anxiety, I wouldn't say that they are severe by any means. I really do think that I'm very socially aware with good social skills when I can get them out.

How can I go 24 years without anybody picking up on the social awkwardness that I feel inside? More importantly, how can I go 24 years without feeling like I've been masking that awkwardness the entire time? Sometimes things feel natural, and other times they don't.

What would you consider to be mild social deficits? And how would you distinguish between autism and social anxiety?

I have had several good friends over the years. Probably the reason your friends don't say anything is they don't want to hurt your feelings. I for some reason appear to be pretty obvious to anyone I come into contact with as being in the spectrum but usually it is made as more of a big deal to people who want either a strictly business or try to take advantage of me than when dealing with someone I would call a friend

You may want to read Austism in Heels. I have plenty of acquaintances and friends, but making the jump to romantic relationships took a long time. My mom was OK with house guests as long as they didn't stay for more than two days.

Are you talking to me or her on your reading suggestion? If you don't mind the extra typing, what exactly is autism in heels about?

https://www.jenniferotooleauthor.com/autisminheels
Autism in Heels an intimate memoir,
reveals the woman inside one of autism’s most prominent figures.

At the age of thirty-five, Jennifer O'Toole
was identified as being on the autism spectrum,
and for the first time in her life, things made sense.

Her kids were diagnosed first, and eventually she came to the realization that she was also autistic!

do you have obsessive interests?
do you hyperfocus?
any executive dysfunction?
auditory processing issues?
sensory issues with light or noise or smells?
your answers will help with deciding if it's autism or social anxiety.

Aside from autism (which has been recent), I don't feel like I have obsessive interests. I do have a friend that says when I get interested in something, I get REALLY interested, but I feel as though I have never obsessed over anything the way that I am obsessing over autism. I also feel like I go through interests quickly, but when I am on an interest, it can be pretty strong.

Is this not the same thing as an obsessive interest? What is the difference that we're looking for here?

LOTS of executive dysfunction...and I will say that it feels great to finally have an explanation for why I can't do things that I want to do.

I am not completely sure. Sometimes I get distracted by sounds around me. I am a teacher, and I cannot focus on what I need to say if somebody else is talking. I can also be in a conversation with somebody, and turn around constantly because I am distracted by the noise around me. I also have issues where somebody will say something to me and I will immediately ask "what" and then as they start to repeat themselves, I suddenly realized what they said and I sometimes end up cutting them off as they are repeating themselves. Just for a few examples.

I don't really mind lights for the most part, but I have always hated the lighting in Kmart. And I guess I'm not really a fan of fitting room lighting, but I don't know why. Sometimes sounds irritate me, sometimes they don't. It depends. Loud noises aren't really a huge problem for me...I go to concerts all the time. And smells do irritate my nose, but the smells that have made me gag make plenty of people gag (ripe garbage, dirty dishes, mayonnaise, chicken factories) and I know plenty of other people that get irritated by smells.

I’m fortunate my social deficits became mild with age

Males and females differ in how they exhibit Aspie (High Functioning Autistic) traits. Females tend to blend in socially much better. They generally use social masking to copy the mannerisms of others. Many spin their past encounters over and over again in their mind trying to figure out the best responses. Sometimes this can be quite exhausting.

Autism is a spectrum. It is possible to be so High Functioning, that you can blend in quite well. But if you can avoid becoming overwhelmed by stress, just keep doing what you are doing. If you become overstressed and then learn techniques to offload this stress energy.

Evidence of autism is an unbalanced skill set. Good at some stuff and really bad at others stuff. Trying to compensate by hiding or masking what can't do.

Feeling that people have unreasonable expectations about what you can't do. They assume because you are good at something you are good at everything else. This is how intelligence or cognitive skills are typically interpreted.

Works the other way with physical disabilities. If you are really clumsy they assume you aren't good at anything.

Discounting your gifts because they come too easy. Or hiding them because they make normal people uneasy.

Not only do I grow flowers but I have a ton of them in bloom all season long.

A lot of "master gardeners" can't do that with perennials where I live.

This is how a learning disability(US terminology) goes under the radar. You can be seen as awkward, lazy and passive aggressive , if you don't something at an OK standard.

Here are some questions.

Has anyone ever told you they were trying to subtly get your attention, but you had no idea?

Do you often not understand jokes?

Are you ever surprised to find that someone is upset with or annoyed by you?

Do you ever find out, way after the fact, that someone was interested in you and was flirting with you?

How do you feel in environments where you can't talk to people one on one, like loud clubs?

Do you ever get the impression that someone wants you to say or do something, but you have no idea what they could possibly want?

For most autistic people, there are subtle, nonverbal social queues and implications to things that they miss without noticing. The only indications to the autistic person are usually after the fact due to someone else mentioning something.

Here is an interesting test you can try if you are curious: http://socialintelligence.labinthewild.org/mite/

Actually being "not aware" and "overly aware" might be just two sides of the same coin. Let me give you an example. Suppose you have to take a multiple choice exam with yes or no questions for the class you don't really know that well. In this case you will make two "opposite" mistakes: sometimes you will put "yes" when you should be putting "no" and sometimes you will put "no" when you should be putting "yes". But now lets say that during the first exam the teacher decided that he penalizes "putting no instead of yes" much more than he penalizes "putting yes instead of no". Then you will put lots of yes-answers in order to "err on the side of caution". But then lets say that on the second midterm the teacher decides to do the opposite and penalize "yes instead of no" more. In this case you will put lots of no-answers on the second exam, again in order to "err on the side of caution". But then you ask "did your problem change between the first exam and the second, since your mistake on the second exam is the opposite to the mistake on the first exam". Well, no it didn't. You had the same exact problem both exams, you just dealt with them differently due to the context you were put into.

Well, I believe that with "not being socially aware" and "being too much socially aware" its the same kind of thing. You were given "yes or no" questions of the type "is such and such behavior appropriate?" and you didn't really know the answer. Now, if you err on the side of "yes" then you will get lots of people mad; if you err on the side of "no" then you will isolate yourself. Both of those things are bad, but in different ways. So the person who hates loneliness more than hates disapproval, would err on the side of yes and appear socially unaware. The person who hates disapproval more than loneliness would err on the side of no, and appear way too socially aware. But they both have the same underlying issue: they both simply don't know what is appropriate what is inapproriate. They just deal with it in a different way.

On the side note, I have a question I am curious about. So, in order to get a diagnosis you had to see a doctor. But what motivated you to see a doctor if you don't think you have social skills problems? Was it that your parents or someone else wanted you to go see one, and you just went in order to please them? Or did you read something about autism that just sounded like yourself so you decided to go just out of curiosity? Or what happened?

By the way, the other diagnosis to consider is "social communication disorder" that basically refers to social problems that are too mild to label you as autistic. There is a possibility your doctor might be unaware of it, since this diagnosis didn't exist in DSM 4 and only appeared in DSM 5. Maybe you can ask your doctor about that.

I got a score of 27 out of 36 which is better than 54% of participants.

I see a therapist, and my therapist suggested the possibility. I then decided to go through with the diagnostic interview, because I was worried that I would never stop thinking about the possibility if I didn't go through with it.

So what made you see the therapist? Since you didn't think you had social problems, were you seeing therapist for something else?