Feeling Too Unique To Fit In.

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I can't really describe it. Somehow I often feel that I don't fit in.

I feel that I am on the fringes of society. I don't even want to fit in. I don't want to be normal. I don't like to be normal. I just want to be me. I am me. But me is lonely. Me is the only one.

But here is something I find wierd. Even on a site full of "Me's" I feel different. I feel when I am assessed, they will have to invent a new catagory for me as to classify me as asperges or autistic will group me in with other "Me's" where I am too different to fit the catagory?

Or is this the point? Is this what the autistic spectrum really is? It may not neccessarily be all about shutdowns, meltdowns and features like this, but more about the being very different so one can't find a slot to fit into where the real problems start?
It is why I really hate these modern forms. I can't fill them in. Years ago, every question had a written description to fill in below the question. Today there is just "Yes/No" boxes. I can never truthfully answer yes or no. I am often stumped at the first few questions as I don't fit either answer. Why I can't fill in forms that well. I stare at the form for hours unable to make the correct decision which will allow me to have peace about my answer. These days even if I was to get a trillion pounds to fill in the form, if I hit such a question I'd be stumped and never send the form off to claim the winnings!

Oh, how I long for this life to be simple again. Why do we try to fit everyone into a box? Why can't my box have a hole for my head to stick out and holes for my arms and legs to stick out so I am not claustrophobic? Boxes are claustrophobic.

Well yes, being on the spectrum means you're likely to be more unique than the average NT, and we do live in a society that mass-produces a lot of things and very often assumes that one size fits all. Naturally, having an unusual set of interests is going to make it hard to relate to most people and vice versa. When I spend time with mainstream society I usually feel I'm at best just treading water, keeping my discomfort down to a minimum and barely getting any fun out of it at all.

I get what you're saying about forms with their rigid insistence on yes / no answers. I can't fill them in honestly because for me the truth is much more nuanced than the allowed answers can ever be. I can't understand how anybody can answer those reductionist questionnaires with a straight face. But I don't know that every Aspie here has the same trouble.

Feeling different even on a site full of "Me's," I guess that's common simply because it's a spectrum disorder. For example I would think it's rare that any two people around here would have the exact same special interests. Maybe it's also common that individuals feel that everybody else in a group is relating really well and that they're the only odd one out.

Uhmmm. So I probably am no where near being an NT then. I assumed I maybe sitting on the fence inbetween both aspects.

I almost am not sure what an NT is anymore. Except they may go to work, come home, go to the pub, get drunk, go to sleep, have a hangover when they get up... Then go back to work and say "Never again will I get drunk"... Then they repeat the whole process again and again and again... Is that typical NT life? Or are NT's also on their own spectrum!

Oh dear. I have complicated things further haven't I? Haha!

Having ASD does make it harder to "fit in" with NT's and perhaps fitting in period
i think that fitting in and feeling connected can be two different things

as the fitting in relies on others acceptance of us
where as feeling connected relies on our perception or state of mind

so we can not fit in but still be connected regardless, as the NTs that reject us have no control over the universe

I think that feeling connected is a state of mind that needs to be cultivated though
as being alienated is also, or happens because we accidentally cultivate being alienated (the more we dwell on our dislocation from others, the more we become aware, the more we isolate).

As for fitting in, i recon some people simply dont fit in due to looks and behaviours, and moral values
there are people in society who are less judging, who hold moral values, who are more kind.

And then there are others, who have the same ailments as ourselves or people who work with people who have these problems who are more understanding.

From personal experience, i seldom feel like i fit in, or worse still fool myself for short periods only to find out yet again that the person who i thought was really honest, objective and not a douche bag, turns out to be a douche bag.
Usually after one of the other douche bags turns up and influences that individual to start acting like a douche too
peer pressure, gang bullying, covert sadism, i cant say. i just know that's what happens.

But there ya go. we aspergers often become like rolling stones, rolling from one bad circumstance to another.
but nevermind.

as for feeling connected. sure, when it comes to intimate relationships, there are moments of connectedness
but which can dissipate shortly after. as the mind of partners do not sit still, and the connection is lost
if the connection was ever there. i guess it is something that is elusive that we will never be able to tell if it really exists or not. but there ya go. I guess we will have to wait to ask God about that...

Thanks both.
I don't drink myself other then a wine at Christmas or the odd thing like that, but I really appreciate the compliment.

My connecting with people....
I can be part of a work team and I will be respected for my expertize, and I will get along fine usually, but then after work, I would head home. I would be the real unmasked "Me" where I can relax and unwind.
Very few people I know I really connect with in such a way that we would meet outside of work or outside of another official type of group that I have been in (E.g. school). Nearly everyone I do connect to is what I call connecting at arms length.

I relate to what you're saying, to a certain extent.

I mean, I don't fit in at work nor with my classmates (many of whom openly dislike me, ignore me, talk behind my back, etc.), and even with those colleagues who I sort of like, I can't connect. I can't connect with my relatives either. Only with my partner and with my best friend (who has taken a break from me and I don't know when he'll talk to me again, which makes me extremely anxious and down).

In fact, my partner, and my (two) best friends are my only friends. But I only manage to feel connected to my partner and one of my best friends.


I've worked at the same school since 2015 and I've never went for a cup of coffee with anyone, nor has anyone ever asked me to join them for lunch nor even asked me when's my birthday or texted me just because, to check how I'm doing or whatever. They text me, yes... When they need something. Same with my relatives

It's awfully lonely.

Why would any of you wish to fit in?

I mean, you've seen them and observed them, why would you want to be them?

Aww. I hope things improve for you. I hope your partnet returns etc. I am glad you understand... but not so glad you find the same.
It is lonely. Is wierd having friends but who are more like collegues... Is not that I am not friendly. Is more what I call arms length friends. I love them but somehow I can't really unmask and show the real me.

They are not friends.

I don't mean that in a bad way, just a factual observation.

I have very few friends, because friends f*****g matter and if you have loads then you probably have none.

autism is a great filter of people.

Closer friends. I have two. One I see once a year as he lives in Ireland.. The other I see once every two months as he lives about 12 miles away.

I have a friend I only see 2-3 times a year because he got married and had a nasty crotch fruit with his lady.

my lass is my best friend but she lives in england and we only see each other every 2 months or so, small stolen holidays together.

I hate everyone else.