My therapist claims that autistic people are more intolerant

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One of my therapist claimed that autistic people are even more intolerant to the behaviors of other autistic people.

I have not heard of this before, and have not read any books about this.
Is it real?
Is it a fairly recent study?

Do you feel that this is the case?

Seems like a rather broad generalization. People with autism can have sensory issues/sensitivities and it is possible some behaviors/stims of other autistic people could bother them more than a neurotypical person without sensory sensitivities. But it likely varies quite a bit on a case by case basis...so the therapists statement does seem a little too generalized.

That said what even brought that up? Seems like kind of an odd thing for a therapist to say in a therapy session.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 07 Sep 2019, 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

If by intolerant she means judgemental, then that is not the case for me. I am only intolerant to jerks, whether they're autistic, NT, or some other neurotype.

I told her that my ex boyfriend was autistic.
So she asked whether he was tolerant towards my behavior, then she said that it is actually a more difficult relationship if both lovers are autistic, since autistic people are more intolerant towards each other.

There are times when autistic people can be inflexible. And want things “just so.” They might be “intolerant” of change....but they often are not intolerant of differences in people in general, which seems to be the definition of “intolerant” the therapist is using.

Inflexible does not necessarily mean intolerant.

Wow!

Too bad you broke up, and it sucks that the therapist kinda rubbed salt into a soar wound like that.

But having said that I will also say that my guess is that autistics are not necessarily more tolerant of each other than NTs are toward autistics. But that they aren't necessarily worse either. They have reason to be both more tolerant and less tolerant of each other so it cancels out. Autistics who have had little contact with other autistics should not be shocked if going to a support group IRL (or going to online support site like this) isn't automatic instant utopia. But having said THAT autistics should still try to be involved with both other autistics and with the NT world.

How do you determine if someone's a jerk without being judgemental?

This.
On the level of stims and sensitivities it can happen but it does not apply to every pair of autistic people.

I meant if someone is a bit odd but is a decent, nice person, I see past their odd ways and welcome them as my friend or acquaintance. Or if I see a stranger with obvious autism or Tourettes or anything else that could make them different but harmless, I don't stare or laugh like most people would.

Oh, the therapist said that before we broke up.
So no worries. I was not hurt.

I am extremely tolerant except for when I am not (e.g. when I am stressed). I am so tolerate of certain things it would be good not to be so tolerant in order to establish healthy boundaries and be protective. And when I am feeling intolerant I typically need to reduce my stress.

For me I can make my own mind up if I think some one is a jerk.

Being judgemental is then telling other people you think they (the person) is a jerk.

Well that's how I see it.

That's the crux of the problem for me: I was taught not to be "judgmental" and was faulted for everything or I took everything on myself (internalized). It was awful. So now I need to be judgmental, and by that I mean in my own head. It feels the same whether I say it out loud or not.

For example, I pick and pick and pick on my husband and may even name call b/c I want him to own up to his poor treatment (on occasion). Instead if I am to "judge" him in my head: he's really behaving poorly, then I don't have to prove anything and I can approach him better. I can supply inward validation. I need more of that!! !!

Aspies are noted for black and white thinking. Most NTs operate in the gray areas (the in-between areas). I suspect that is what the therapist implies.

I can't say for other Aspies, but in my own case there's probably some truth in it, to a degree. I've often been astonished at the way many folks let (what appear to be) unsuitable people remain in their lives when I'd steer well clear. Particularly family members who seem to get granted lifelong access however bad their behaviour gets. And I don't understand why bullies and brash, arrogant, overbearing or loud people ever have any friends.

I have sensory issues, and I have to have my environment tailored pretty carefully to the way I function, and I find that spending too much time with many people makes me uncomfortable, stressed and tired, but as long as I have some control over the time I'm exposed to them, and am allowed to call the shots that are the most important to me, I can often stand being with them for long enough to make it count as some kind of friendship. But naturally, if things get too rough for me then I'll want to hit the pause button. I'm less tolerant of crowds than most. The social environment I need is bound to be rather more exacting than it would be for a neurotypical. If it's intolerant of me to seek that social environment and to try to keep away from what doesn't measure up to it, then yes, I'm intolerant. But I prefer the word "selective."

On the other hand, paradoxically I've often been the most tolerant person I know when it comes to deciding whether to accept or reject a person based on whether or not they follow whatever set of arbitrary cultural norms. I like to think I give everybody a fair chance, and that as long as they don't seem a serious threat to my comfort and happiness, I'm OK with them being around.

I even get on well with a religious Trump supporter, though I'm secular and Trump stands for a lot of the things I hate, because the Trump supporter himself has never done anything that I'd take exception to. It's just a matter of steering the conversation away from American politics. I've not seem him personally attacking immigrants, women, the disabled or the poor, except perhaps by voting, and that's such a small ineffective act that I can't get steamed up about it. It's as if his politics are in a theoretical compartment that has nothing to do with real life at all. Indeed, he's spoken with anger about some of the employers he's worked for, while I tend to think of right-wingers as being on the side of management in the class war. As for his religion, if a man wants to believe what I see as fairy stories, what harm can that do me?

Frankly I've often thought that if all the people I get on fine with were put in a room together, fights would break out, because they're so different from each other. That's one measure of my tolerance I suppose. I think it comes from my experiences of people who have been needlessly intolerant to me, like the man who refused me a job because I wouldn't cut my hair.

I think it depends on the particular pair of autistic people. "Autism" covers a huge range of traits. Autistic people differ from each other more than NTs differ from each other, and in some ways autistic people may differ from each other even more than we differ from NTs.

I think that autistic people with compatible traits can understand each other better, hence get along with each other better, than they can get along with NTs. Moreover, for such a pair of autistic people, getting along with each other requires a smaller and less arduous set of social skills than is required to get along with most NTs. (See the separate thread Autistic-friendly social skills vs. blending in with NT's.) Unfortunately, most of us aren't taught these autistic-friendly social skills, but I think many of us can learn them and use them far more easily, and with far less stress, than mastering all the skills needed to blend in with NT's.