I went on a cruise. It blindsided me. What do I do now?

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I got back from a cruise out of California. Just like my first-ever cruise in 2012, it gave me an existential crisis, but a much milder one. It was also my first cruise as a true, bona fide adult. I stopped feeling young and started feeling middle-aged at 34, and I'm 36 now. Not only that, my social skills are significantly better than they were even 5 years ago, let alone 15 years ago. I also got better at asserting myself. I will not hesitate to kick a person out of life, seek legal assistance, and/or go to the police whenever someone becomes more trouble than they're worth.

The biggest difference between then and now was my pre-cruise state of mind. Then, I was terrified of being bullied and harassed by other passengers. Like having my food swept off the table, or my shirt grabbed off my lounge chair and tossed overboard. (I even planned on taking Carnival's "Satisfaction Guarantee", where I can debark at the first port and fly back on their dime, if the cruise was not to my liking.) Now, I went on my cruise with the same self-assured confidence a football team captain goes to the prom with the head cheerleader.

Nonetheless, my current job got exhausting after a long time of working there without a break. So I marched into my boss's office, and requested a week off. He said OK. That same night, I logged in to my account on Carnival.com, and booked my cruise. Three months later, I was on the plane to California to board my ship. The following events that transpired made me question my personality and even my reality.

1. The night before the cruise, I stayed in an airport hotel that had nothing but fast food chains nearby. I wanted fish tacos for dinner. So I rode a bus to a restaurant that served them. On the way, I took lots of pictures from the windows, rather than sitting still in my seat. Two girls, who looked about 24, said to me: "Wow, you're a photographer." Cautioning myself against the possibility that it was a shot at me, without answering their question directly, I said in a nonchalant, slightly cocky tone: "It's my first time in California." Immediately, they perked up, and started a sincere conversation with me. Interestingly, the restaurant they suggested was the exact one I was headed to. They even playfully dared me to put habanero salsa on my tacos. I almost invited them to join me, but they were getting off one stop before me, to meet a friend for a night of cocktails.

2. The first night of the cruise, I went to the late-night karaoke. I planted myself on an empty chair, and drank a beer laced with vodka, hoping to build up the liquid courage to go sing. The atmosphere in the venue was very fun and lively, and quickly began to affect me. (Along with the alcohol.) I picked the song "Kokomo". While I sang, I inserted my own words, referencing the ship's name and its upcoming ports of call. When I finished, everyone broke into uproarious applause. As I walked offstage, a woman in the audience loudly invited me to join her, oblivious to the people around her. If she did it in my normal life, I'd politely but firmly decline: she looked unapproachable, had facial piercings, wore a revealing tank top, and dropped frequent F-bombs. But on this cruise, I felt as comfortable with her as I would with a quiet anime geek. She was 36, like me, but looked young for her age. Unlike me, she was not cruising solo, but her two friends went to the casino that night. I half-expected her to "test" me a little, like the bus girls did, but she was cool.

3. As we parted ways, she invited me to have breakfast with her and one of her friends next morning, before we had our excursions to get to. I had a glass-bottom boat tour, and she and that friend had parasailing. I showed up next morning as invited. The friend looked in her early 40's, and seemed to like me too. She practically gushed compliments at me when she found out I was cruising solo, saying "that is so cool". We exchanged cabin numbers, and went ashore.

4. Next day, I had a history tour, and she went clothes shopping. When I got back, she was sitting on a bench by the dock, with the friend I met earlier and some people I didn't recognize. She introduced me to another friend and two men. Soon, the six of us were playing beach volleyball on a local city beach we walked about a mile to. When I spiked the ball such that it bounced against the opposing guy's head and landed on the sand, she came up to me and double-high-fived me. However, because our hands were covered in sand and sunblock---not to mention, we were all drunk---the hands slipped, and she ended pressed against me in full contact. (Her swimsuit was a two-piece, and mine was swim trunks.) Even though my sex drive was virtually dead since 2017, that situation got under my skin (pardon the pun). I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the game. I calmed down later, after I got back to my cabin.

5. Later during the cruise, there was a Latin night in the nightclub. I talked her into going, and she persuaded the rest of the volleyball group. Me and her danced together. As I suspected, she had no idea how to do most Latin dances, but she made up for it by dancing much closer than needed, if you catch my drift. While we danced (the music wasn't very loud by nightclub standards), she leaned to my ear, and said: "Aren't you glad you picked [ship's name]?" Without answering her directly, I wrapped my arm around her tighter. She responded by rubbing her hair against me.

And yet, even though my social skills grew by leap and bounds since my previous cruise in 2013, I feel blindsided by this cruise. Everything, at least the social parts of it, felt almost surreal. It's like I was in a 3D virtual reality matrix. It felt like watching a high school movie, only I was the football player and my lady friend was the cheerleader, rather than me being a science club or debate team geek. Or equivalently, I got a taste of what college would have been like for me, if I had the attractiveness and social skills at age 21 that I have at 36. Remember: back then, I looked uglier than a rhinoceros's butt, and my social skills were worse than Steve Urkel's. God help me if I went on this cruise at 21! I'd probably get thrown overboard!

Anyway, what do you think? Is it normal for a mundane short cruise to blindside an aspie like this? And what do I make of it?

I think sometimes when we are put in completely unfamiliar situations, without the usual people that surround us, we have the freedom (for a short period of time) to be whoever we want. An aspie could probably keep this up short term, for a week or two, but in my experience no longer than this. For instance, when I first went to university, I managed to keep up and became friendly with quite a few people for the first week. The first day of the second week, I could not get out of bed, and this led to me staying in my room almost 24/7 and only going out in the early hours of the morning when I could be sure not to meet any students. People banged on my door and I cowered on my bed. I lost weight as I didn't go out everyday, and had nowhere to store food thus I didn't eat every day. I barely spoke.
Another time I did this was when I went away for a week to a revision camp. I felt popular, a boy even liked me (I was 16, though emotionally about 10 or 11) and I had a great time. But I doubt I could have kept it up much longer.

Well done for getting up and singing! I hope that you can build on this positive experience.

That's true. Although even in my regular life nowadays, people seem to respect me and think highly of me. The difference between that and my cruise is the people who thought I was cool were the ones I didn't expect it from. Hence, "blindsided". At best, I expected outward politeness; at worst, a cold shoulder. (Blatant bullying almost never happens between people over 30.) Instead, that woman quickly took a liking to me, and talked me up to the entire group behind my back. Her friend in particular act like me cruising solo was the edgiest thing she ever saw. One man in the group "challenged" me a little with an annoying joke, but I fended it off successfully, and he was friendly to me after that.

Another thing: that woman saying "Aren't you glad you picked [ship's name]?" while pressed up against me on the dance floor was brilliantly meta (self-referential) and ingenious. She was blatantly referring to herself and our interactions, while "hiding" behind my ship choice. While she didn't come off as the intellectual type---which was cool with me---I thought it was very brilliant of her to say that. It makes me admire NTs and their social intuition, the very things I fully mastered maybe 5 years ago.

I'm glad you had a good time.

How do you know the woman was NT?

It makes sense. Based on the way she carried herself and met people easily, odds say she's NT. There aren't many aspie men, and even fewer aspie women. Also, aspies tend to be cerebral and intellectual, and she didn't come off like that. Heck, when I went on a tangent about ocean liner history while talking out ship, she said: "I know nothing about it, but you're making me want to look it up." (Which she couldn't do until debarkation, because her cell phone didn't work on roaming. Neither did mine.)

What actions and/or traits of this woman are you suggesting might be aspie?

Another interesting thing is how respectful and even deferential the men she met acted toward me. Even the one who challenged me. A few hours after the volleyball game, after leaving the port, I was looking for her around the ship, to make plans for another karaoke that night. I ran into those men instead. They immediately asked me if I was looking for her, and when I said yes, they told me where she was. I found her, and confirmed the plans. That night, all 6 of us hung out and sang until the karaoke closed for the night. Clearly, she must have had leverage over the group, and talked me up. And an NT will have a much easier time doing that than an aspie.

That's cool that you had a good time. So unless I missed it, where did you leave things off with her? Did you exchange contact info?

We exchanged Facebook contacts. We even talked about cruising again together. (Meaning go on the same cruise, not share a cabin.) But it was done while drunk, in the heat of the moment, shortly after me and her did a karaoke duet and got the highest rating that night. To complicate the matters, she lives far from me, and she might not even be single, for all I know. We didn't talk about it. Her two friends traveling with her, including the friend who came to breakfast one morning, and the men she met, knew I was hitting on her, and didn't do a damn thing to stop me. Which means they all thought of me as highly as she did, which still doesn't tell me if she's single or not. Which it makes the whole situation even more blindsiding.

Unrelated to your cruise, I see in your Avatar that you may be either a railroad enthusiast, or commute to work in Chicago on the Illinois Central railroad.

I worked in Chicago in electronics in the 1970s. I had made the observation that if someone got off the train in winter and saw an electronics component in the slush on the steps of the train car, he might be able to say, "I see an icy IC on the IC". The guys I worked with were unable to come up with a way to add another "IC".

It means you are learning romantic social skills! Congratulations!

Thanks! It was more about charisma and heavy flirting than romance on this cruise. (By contrast, my 2012 cruise did have a romantic fling.) On that cruise, I was floored by how nice and friendly the people I met were, after expecting to be bullied by other passengers. On this cruise, I was floored by how respectful and even deferential the people I met acted toward me, even the man who briefly challenged me with a mildly annoying joke. I actually met that woman first, one on one. Then her friend at breakfast next morning. Then rest of the group shortly later. With her being attractive and thinking highly of me, everything else kind of snowballed in a virtuous cycle.

The interactions with the women consisted of close physical contact, sometimes initiated by them unprovoked. Me, her two friends, and about 8 other people were hanging out in a hot tub, drinking beer after beer. Suddenly, a girl I just met grabs my hand, and pull it toward her, to look at a scar she noticed. I told her the story behind it. My lady friend from the ship suddenly steps in, moves next to me, throws her arm around me, and jokingly tells that girl: "He's my friend, you can't do that!" I chuckled, and playfully put my arm around her in return. Everyone smiled acknowledgingly. After we finished hanging out, I pretty much sprinted to my cabin, to "take care of a small personal matter". That kind of surprised me, since my sex drive has been dead since 2017, and shows few signs of reviving.

Later on, a few hours after dinner, the same group went to the nightclub, and we all got pretty wasted. I was dancing with her, talking over music the best we could. I don't even remember how it happened, but me and her briefly kissed. It was more of a quick semi-tease than a real make-out. But I remember standing there shell-shocked, music playing, and alcohol sloshing around in my brain. When I came to my senses a minute later, everyone acted like nothing's wrong. At the end of the night, we all parted ways with hugs (women) and hearty handshakes (men).

Have you contacted each other on Facebook, given that you exchanged info? Photo sharing and "liking" seems like a normal next step, even if you are just going to be cyber friends.

No, we haven't talked online yet, outside of accepting Facebook friend requests. I had to wait until debarkation to send mine, anyway, since I didn't buy an onboard wifi plan. Plus, it's been less than a week since the cruise. I'm sure she's as busy as I am: unpacking, getting used to normal life again, and washing the dirty laundry. So it feels a bit, I don't know, desperate. I'll chance it, and send a proper follow-up message in a few days to a week. I'll keep it platonic, to play it safe; I don't want to be "that guy" if she has a significant other. After all, we're not in international waters anymore.

Well, I wrote that woman a brief "Hi, how are you?" message. She replied about 6 hours later. We messaged back and forth for a while. She talked about about how much fun she had on the cruise, and that she was very glad she was to have met me. We even talked about cruising as a group together again in the future, and left the conversation on that note. I'm aware that it's simply an idea that may or may not pan out. But I'm very flattered by the notion that someone who'd have eaten me alive 10 years ago, thinks I'm cool and fun, and wants to see me again, after knowing me for just a few days.

Oh, and I found out on her Facebook profile that she's engaged. Oops! (No kids, though.) Which explains why she was friendly and platonic in her messages, rather than flirty, despite feeling admiration toward me. She was trying to downplay the flirty interactions me and her had on the cruise.

I commend you on not only having a good time with being adventurous enough to go on a cruise by yourself, but I also commend you for having a sound and healthy perspective in recognizing that she's engaged and as such you have no intention of "hounding" her or pursuing her on a romantic level. It sounds like you're thinking about it the right way.

I was expecting you to say you made up the story cos it sounded too good!
How did you go about improving your social skills?