I don’t know what to do with myself

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It’s a new year but I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have any immediate goals and I get overwhelmed trying to come up with plans for them; I think of something but the obstacles feel daunting so the potential goals drift out of my mind.
I am also practically broke so the year is not starting off good for me and the TMS session I have to wait on until the end of the month should it be any help will mean I’ll have wasted a month of my life.

My siblings are also encouraging me to try a program at A&M that’s meant to help people with disabilities even though A&M is a redneck college.

I know it's hard given what you have seen over the years but this might be a good opportunity to broaden your experiences.


I also experience bad things and dislike values with groups of people ---
and then exclude them from anything in my head and cannot get past that.

But the times I managed to overcome that (with therapists help) it turned out to be a good and useful experience after all

A lot of people get stuck in big plans this time of year, but I like to step back and focus on small goals at New Year's: clean my apartment, organize the junk drawer, try cooking a new recipe, do the clothing mending I've been putting off, work on the car, spend some extra time playing with the cat, etc.

Doing this makes me feel like I'm starting off the year ahead of the game in the executive functioning department. It makes home feel nice and cozy when I get through with work at the end of the day too.

Doing nothing but waiting is a waste of time. I once installed Linux while waiting for a Win disk in the mail, and never used the disk. Ya never know.
In a month, you could tackle many other projects from learning to juggle to studying Icelandic heritage. You could try some volunteer work, and probably encounter other "walking wounded" from different causes. You could just stand around with a "Climate Strike" sign, refusing to watch TV, at least. These are critical years in history.

You often mention wanting to make music. Download Audacity and spend some time getting familiar with it. It's free.

https://www.audacityteam.org/download/