Being told you can't be autistic

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I am a high functioning autistic person and through studying and generally trying to be mindful, I pass as an NT who may be a little intense until someone gets to know me. Then they can tell I'm a little strange all around.

However, because I am quite good at acting the part of an NT and I am not like Sheldon I often find people not believing I actually have autism or believing I have it but must be making excuses when it comes to things that they just see as common sense or aren't social things. For example today I had some oil and knew you aren't supposed to put it down the drain and had seen my mum put oil in a jar before. So I left it out because we had no jars, despite there being many other containers in the house. In this example I took my mums directions too literally, thinking I could only put oil in jars. So if you imagine me doing things like this in my day to day life and I seem "normal" in other ways, people just think I'm being lazy and making excuses.

This becomes a real problem when I accidentally upset people or seem aggressive when I am not in any way angry but may just be tired and people insist I was doing things on purpose when my expression of feelings may just be easily mistaken for others. It makes it hard to make friends and constantly having to defend myself becomes exhausting. ON top of that it's extremely hurtful because it makes me feel like I am a liar and having general anxiety disorder, this has lead me to spiral and question if I am actually autistic despite me being diagnosed professionally and all evidence suggesting the opposite. Oh anxiety, making me question everything .

What are your stories of things like this happening to you and how do you respond to it?

Oh yes ... ditto, ditto, and ditto . I too present as “NT” and have done throughout my life, on the surface of it. Spend more time with me, you’ll notice subtle more unusual traits. Due to being so introvert throughout my school days up to year 12, my nickname was “mouse” or affectionately “super squeak” . Though quietly different, I miraculously found myself never short of friends or male friendships. Though, anyone who became my friend, always instigated the “approach”, iykwim. My relationships were always very intense. Sometimes, in some of us, our faces don’t seem to reflect how we are truly feeling. I have been mistaken for being kind of “worked up”, when I’m actually passionately enjoying discussion, and in my mind, simply sharing my thoughts/opinion on a subject. I don’t share my status(diagnosed or undiagnosed with anyone, unless they are “close” or deemed safe. Don’t think I’ve ever been mistaken as lazy, though, as since a young child, I’ve been a workaholic carer, due to death in family etc. I’ve had people say to me “Your son seems perfectly “normal” to me.” If you’re presenting as an NT well, then you’re an onion with layers. Peel those layers off one by one, and they’ll soon see the difference in presentation.

I've had many tell me that I can't be autistic as well, because I come across as NT. And like Juliette said, the more you get to know me, the more you see it. But at the same time, sometimes the less you see. I get better with eye contact the more I know you for example.

I can't say that I have found a way to handle it yet, but I agree, it can be hurtful.

May I ask why you don't tell people about your status? I've seen that a lot on the forum and I don't do that and am worried that maybe that is something I should start doing. I just haven't because I tend to overshare and become very quickly attached.

Also the lazy thing is usually applied when I mess up something that is "obvious" because that MUST mean I just don't want to put in effort or am making excuses.

I can relate to this. Once I got into the gifted program when I was 9 or 10, my teachers decided I wasn't allowed to struggle and must be lazy if I didn't do something correctly.

I think NTs have trouble with the concept of masking in part because no one wants to believe they are (somewhat) easy to imitate. I do find it both frustrating and humorous that many NTs don't accept this reality, even though for many of us not masking wasn't really an option. It's a part of survival which in turn can destroy you, and your reward for trying to survive in society is being told you don't actually have any problems. Also--despite being told over and over what you think and feel, instead of asked--never forget to be more outgoing and confident.

I can relate to this. It didn't help that my older brother has a genius level IQ so people naturally expected that from me as well. Finally in Grade 11 my mother finally accepted that I wasn't lazy or unmotivated: there were some things I simply couldn't grasp even as an intelligent child. For example, to this day I still can't figure out how to "properly" tie shoelaces despite the fact I practiced for hours upon hours.

Rather ironic that my life is a (relative) mess BECAUSE I was an honor roll student and I would have been far more successful had I not stood out academically.


Until recently I heard that I don't have any problems more than once: after all, I have a full time job, a home, a wife and a child. They neglect the fact I have been underemployed almost my entire life (I would estimate I am making about half what I "should" be making with my skills and it took 3 YEARS to land my current job, my first date wasn't until 28 and it was a pity date.

I have learned not to tell anyone about ASDs because they seem to have a ridiculous stereotype in their head that someone "normal" like me doesn't fit. I once told a group of friends and they almost immediately all disowned me, likely thinking I was either a hypochondriac or a potential mass shooter (or both). Even my own parents are in complete denial of what is very obvious.

I have been asking myself lately if social rules are changing again or if my mom is just being a b***h and I keep running into as*holes.

Either your family are a bunch of as*holes or you have communication problems.

I also hear online more people have gotten more rude also. It could be because we had been encouraged to be open about ourselves and that feelings have became more important and we must show it and express it. I am reading Generation Me. There is Shut the f**k Up meme going around on social media when they don't agree with you or don't like what you say. I just block them now. I have no use for rude people.

Because I am not very social, I dont know if this is pervasive and I only notice it online because this is where most of my social interaction is. But I did used to upset others kids and my friends in school. Then after high school, I got less social. Every time I would get a complaint from any guest, I would get quieter. I would now speak when spoken too and avoid any small talk and conversations and keep it too "have a nice night/day" and answer any questions they have and keep it short.

Because people judge and it can affect relationships, job employement, and etc. The only time it can be beneficial is if you're going on an airplane or etc. Other than that it can be detrimental. I rather just have people think I'm weird than label me as incapable for life.

"You can't be autistic because you don't wet the bed, play with fire or torture helpless animals."
-- Spoken by a general practitioner whom I no longer consult for any reason whatsoever.

That’s freaky....most of the time, the ignorance is more benign, reflective of outmoded notions pertaining to autism.

I'll admit that I've never actually run into this before, at least not personally. Mostly, I think, because unless someone is an autism-related medical provider, I simply don't tell people. I 'passed' until middle age without comment, so perhaps it's not obvious... or maybe it just wasn't so to people decades ago. I do wonder a little if more people will start picking it up about me now that autism's going mainstream.

That's what's so funny with the false idea that neurotypicals, collectively, have significant empathy. I don't know how someone can look at the world, and history, and see empathy as a major characteristic.

Mostly for the reasons The Horse and Giant Hockey Fan mentioned. “Safety of the Self” as we seem to be ever-fragile in that regard. In some, kit can lead to disintegration of the “Self” and take quite a time to recover.

I have said that if I am found to be on the spectrum my Mum also is. Well here are two examples from my Mums life which have been funny... The first is that when we first kept goats. We had not intended to keep them but the local insurance man dropped them off and asked if we could take them as the winter that had just been was a harsh one.
My Mum had never milked a goat, and we didn't know that one was pregnant. The goat gave birth and had kid. But later the got needed milking. My Mum descended down the long garden path lined with trees to the road to cross it and walk to the phone box to phone for the vet to show her. A neighbour living opposite asked what the matter was so she told him. He said he would show her and he used to milk goats as a child before going to school.
Now he showed my Mum how. My Mum milked the goats as we had several more... (We didn't realize how a half grown male goat could get an adult lady goat pregnant! Anyway. Years went passed and one day a visitor came who also kept goats. She asked my mum 'Why do you milk with only one hand?" My Mum couldn't say. Then she realized. The neighbour who taught her only had one arm. She never thought one could use two hands.

But here is another one which is more literal. My Mum had a Hoover twin tub washing machine for many years. Was a very economical machine as one would do several washes out of the same hot water. While the water was warming up, first she would bath me and my brother in it. I used to be petrified! Then she would put in tne whites, then milder colours in the next wash and so on. Finally were my Dads work overalls several washes later.
Now every now and then thw drive belt would either come off or need replacing. One unscrewed the back to do this. My Mum learnt from my Dad how to unscrew the back. She took over, and did this for years. However, each time she would remove the plug from the lead and screw it back on after. One day my Dad saw her do that and asked why she was unscrewing every wire from the plug each time she took the back off the machine? She showed him. On the back panel of the machine it said "REMOVE PLUG BEFORE OPENING THIS COVER". So she did. Literally! My Dad laughed!

Growing up we had many amusing times.

Oh ok I'll keep that in mind! I'll try to be more guarded from now on because I really wouldn't be able to handle having it turned on me. It's been helpful to tell teachers so far because then they get less annoyed by my fidgeting and stroking things when I'm stressed but I'll keep it at that from now on. I'm a terrible judge of character anyway

Sorry if the quote comes out weird, still haven't gotten the hang of it yet. Yeah, I think my problem is caused by the fact I'm viewed as very smart. What people don't see is me slaving away because I don't understand some concepts
unless I read them five+ times or the fact sometimes it seems there is only one option. The shoelace thing interests me as I always have to put ten or more minutes aside if I want to put on some boots haha.