Hate negative responses to negative posts

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chris1989
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03 Oct 2019, 7:21 am

I seem to think when you post something negative online like for example 'I hate my life', 'No one likes me' and so on, those people who respond to it with a very negative comment like 'You ARE a failure', 'Sort your life out!', 'Get over yourself and stop such a wimp!' etc have more problems than the person who posting the negative post. I do feel when you play the victim, the critics are right and better than you no matter what they say in response even if it something hateful or horrible. I don't know if they saying because they feel they want to be angry or they're fed up seeing people complain. I seem to think there is more mental health in people today simply because of criticism online.



kraftiekortie
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03 Oct 2019, 7:34 am

It’s always good to provide positive support to others....even if you, yourself, have problems.

People would be more willing to be friends with you if you are also friends with them.



Fireblossom
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03 Oct 2019, 7:38 am

How is advicing some to get their life in order a negative thing?



kraftiekortie
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03 Oct 2019, 7:53 am

It’s true. Some people can be rough about giving advice for various reasons. Sometimes, such people who give rough advice are bullies. Others just believe in “tough love.”

I don’t believe a purely rough approach is the right approach.

But I also believe that if people perceive you as making an effort, they tend to be more willing to offer constructive, concrete advice because they believe it’s worth their efforts.



kraftiekortie
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03 Oct 2019, 8:06 am

There’s a guy here who complains all the time. I mean constantly.

But this same guy also makes an effort to give good advice to other people, and seeks to make them smile.

He is very well-liked on WrongPlanet. Because he helps people to laugh while he complains.



Fnord
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03 Oct 2019, 8:14 am

Fireblossom wrote:
How is advising some to get their life in order a negative thing?
Because the person being advised may perceive a helpful "Work on improving yourself" statement as a malicious "You are defective, deficient, and demonstrably inferior" attack, even though they may openly admit that they are somewhat less than perfect.

Also, some people seem to be more interested in the attention they receive than in any advice they could be given. After all, if they followed the advice and improved themselves, then all that attention would go away and they would be left alone. For them, attention alone is sufficient affirmation, while self-improvement is anathema.

Such people are best ignored and left alone. Eventually they will seek the pity they crave somewhere else.


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kraftiekortie
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03 Oct 2019, 9:06 am

The key is to not think of yourself as being "less" of a person than anybody else.

I feel that this is part of the "problem" with some people. It's not that people don't care about other people. It's that they don't feel confident enough to offer advice; they feel they can only request advice and not give advice.

I am here to say that the vast majority of people are smart enough to use their life experience to give advice to other people, or to just try to make people feel good.

If people don't respond well to your attempts at offering advice, provided that you have good intentions in giving that advice, that's their problem.



jimmy m
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03 Oct 2019, 10:16 am

I see two issues at play here. The first is comments vs. request. The second is destructive vs. constructive criticism.

So if someone says "I hate my life", that is a statement, a comment. They may be making a statement and not asking for any solutions. They are perhaps looking for empathy. "I hate my life, too." or "I am sorry you feel that way." But if they also include statements seeking help, how to change, how to improve, answers and understanding, then that is a "request".

Now if the thread is a request, then the OP has stepped into the area of destructive vs. constructive criticism. When I was young and in Junior High, I was subjected to a lot of bullying (both physical abuse, psychological abuse). I was called every name in the book. In order to maintain my sanity, I learned to reject all criticism off hand. But as I grew older and entered the adult world, the inability to accept criticism is a negative trait. It is a roadblock for learning and self improvement. So I learned about the difference between destructive and constructive criticism. Some of the criticism I receive is destructive. It is similar to being told in school that you are "stupid or worthless, an idiot". But then there is another type of criticism called constructive criticism. Many times friends, parents, teachers, and even strangers will empathize and try and help. Sometimes they will say things that hurt, but their criticism is spot on. So the goal is to determine what is the type of criticism being used and whether to accept it.


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Ashariel
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03 Oct 2019, 10:59 am

Good advice here - this is a topic I struggle with as well.

Due to developmental delays, many of us didn't learn adequate interpersonal skills in childhood, and our emotional intelligence is behind the curve as well. It's not our fault, but I understand that it's frustrating to others.

It helps me to understand that criticism involves two people. It's partially about the recipient, and partially about the person who felt the need to criticize. It often has to do with their issues, and how they handled it, and may or may not apply to the person they're criticizing.

We tend to feel most critical of flaws that we struggle with ourselves - but silently, stoically, proud of our ability to keep these flaws under control. We have learned these flaws are shameful, and 'identify with the aggressor' in agreeing that the best way to handle the flaw is to toughen up, and not be a baby about it.

But it's only an opinion, and these days psychologists are finding that emotional validation is often more effective, in helping people to accept their feelings, without judgment, as a first step in the healing process. (Which then needs to be followed up with 'tough love' and taking responsibility - so both approaches are necessary.)

Anyway, I appreciate the perspectives here. It's something I'm continuing to make progress with.



kraftiekortie
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03 Oct 2019, 11:10 am

I believe people have the right to complain.

But I also believe people are morally obligated to listen to others’ complaints if they do complain.



Ashariel
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03 Oct 2019, 11:48 am

Listen, yes. Though I think you might not realize - you are especially gifted in being able to say something that's kind and helpful, seemingly without effort. That is a rare talent among autistics.

Often I'll try to compose a response to someone, retype it 5 times, worry that it might be unintentionally offensive - and finally give up, realizing that others have said what I wanted to say, much more effectively.

Lack of response does not necessarily mean lack of reading, or lack of caring. But you make a good point - without showing people that we care, it's not going to be evident.



kraftiekortie
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03 Oct 2019, 11:56 am

I'm not very eloquent, either.

There are some people who believe I don't "put enough" into my advice. Some people just like long essay-like messages which "take into account many sides."

Truthfully, sometimes, when one seemingly "says something better," they might not be actually "saying it better."

It's only "better" if the recipient of what's being said or written understands it, and benefits from it.

This reminds me of the Sam Cooke song "What a Wonderful World This Would Be." In it, the guy doesn't know "history, biology, trigonometry, or what a slide rule is for." But the girl still loves the guy because she understands the guy, and benefits from the guy.

(Note: I'm not saying anything against essays. Sometimes, essays ARE better than two-sentence responses. Sometimes, people find more solace in essays than in short responses).



AprilR
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03 Oct 2019, 3:25 pm

I think everyone has a right to complain. Just because you have it better than some people doesn't mean you're "obligated" to be happy. Being thankful is important but a lot of people here seem to actually have serious problems regarding their social life and finding a job etc. Also it's a fact that autistic people struggle more with depression because of those problems and i wouldn't expect a depressed person to see things objectively and appreciate things since depression is a mental illness. So sometimes people are physically incapable of that. It does take effort to try to get better but sometimes depression affects the person so much that they don't even have the emotional strength to make an effort.
I do understand that some people find this mindset frustrating and there are some people that like to complain just because they want attention. But regardless i don't think "just get over it" is going to solve anything. The least anyone can do is advise the person to see a psychiatrist and get therapy.



Joe90
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03 Oct 2019, 4:48 pm

I don't like it when people in forums trivialize my anxiety disorder and tell me to "get over yourself" or "I wish I could have your problems". I find that very harsh. One of the members here had a habit of doing this (she's not here any more), and I also found it patronizing. I prefer people to sugarcoat things rather than be blunt, I don't mean lie exactly but be less harsh in what they say. So instead of telling me to get over myself, I rather it be said in more kinder words that may imply the same but have a bit of sympathy and compassion to mask it. A bit of sympathy and compassion actually goes a long way when someone is pouring their heart out, rather than harsh reality. Whenever people here post a problem, I try to make them feel better, and I don't mean lying or faking. I mean I just try to see their problem from their point of view, and empathise with it, and think of true but positive feedback. Making others feel better makes me feel good.


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y-pod
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05 Oct 2019, 10:16 am

Aren't autistics supposed to be blunt, and not socially tactful? I mean, "people" here don't represent the general population. I think that sorts of responses are rather expected. Not helpful, sure, but natural. I post on a few other forums and some of them require nice, supportive comments only. It can feel rather restrictive. :)


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