Dealing with judgmental strangers

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not just talking about NT's judging Aspies. I'm more talking about people who align themselves with a certain point of view that is "normal" or normative and speaking as though this sense of normalcy or of the status quo gives them license to tell others how they should act or who they should be.

For example, I went for a walk today to buy groceries. I usually walk a great distance to get my groceries since money is tight right now and I don't want to spend however much it is to talk the bus to get home. This, then, entails me having to walk a good 40 or so blocks in total to get food and get back home. I don't mind this little trek given I need the exercise anyway and I have no reason to think it's out of the ordinary as it is. Today, however, was a reasonable haul and I had to carry something like 40 lbs of groceries which, in itself, isn't a big deal it just looks awkward carrying the bulk back home.

Now, I do this often enough that I think nothing of it. However, today, I wanted to take routes that were not as crowded so I took alleyways so I can have a little peace. Unfortunately, I passed two parties making comments about how strange I looked. I'm a sensitive bloke-a flaw I need to overcome, I know-but I feel somewhat anxious and perhaps hurt when I'm judged by others.

Now, I was well dressed for the walk. Granted my shoes were worn and I hadn't shaved, but, otherwise, nice full jacket, dark blue slacks, and well-kept hair. One was a mother talking to her friend saying I was homeless and another were two middle-aged men making fun of me in general (they were in the townhouse project I live in).

I'm finding this is happening more often and, the more I'm out, the more I seem to be criticized by onlookers of my appearance. Again, I think I might be too sensitive about what other people think and I'm usually of the mind that people have to take me as I am whether they like it or not. But, given I'm feeling pretty secluded most days and I'm trying to find work, should I be a little more compliant with other people's standards? Is there a basic look I should achieve to, just in general, get on people's good side? Am I working against myself when I do things and ignore, if not flat out resent, what others think of my appearance or what I choose to do?

I even used to leave the house due to comments, but I never looked for a solution for this until the moment. What saved me was my ingenuity to say that everyone was a failure who wanted approval and was looking for flaws in me. I don't think it's advisable to abandon yourself behind the current fashion.

I think strangers judge more harshly than people who you know, at least in my experience. That is why I feel unconfident leaving the house sometimes. I am good at masking and I make an effort to blend in so much that I feel I don't deserve to be judged or humiliated by people. I don't judge strangers, or even if I do I don't show it, because I don't want to invalidate or hurt other people's feelings.

So I know how you feel. Getting odd reactions from people does make you question how you look or even how you are as a person. I'm sorry you had to experience this nasty type of behaviour from people. They obviously lack empathy.

I am sorry to hear of your bad experience. Dealing with unpleasant people is always difficult. My general technique is to wear a fake smile appropriate to the situation. But, it does hurt and there is little we can do about it.

The irony for those "too sensitive" ones of us: we are transparent in our desire for approval and because of this some people won't approve of us (and will make fun of us). If we didn't want their approval (or were not transparent), they would be more willing to approve of us.

But then, more importantly, do we approve of them? I consider myself non-judgmental in that I'm open to many ways of doing things, but folks who hang around and make fun of other people? I'm open to them being better people, but at the moment, they're kind of scum. But I don't like to judge. I don't want to be judged for my oddness, but then...

Here's the thing: I think people like you and I need to judge. We can be respectful and hope for the best but think to ourselves: they're kind of f'd up (even feel sorry for them) and be on our way - whole and complete. Now if they are blocking you from passing, that's another issue, but simply trying to "get" to you? Keep them out of your brain. (I know, as always, easier said than done, I am in a hostile workplace right now and trying to push "them" out of head. Like you, I am looking for a job.) If you judge that someone is merely uneducated and not hostile, then you can choose to educate them (I need a practiced "script") or not. Your choice. In any case, for the most part, it's not you, it's them.

I'd give myself a 4 / 10 for letting the bad stuff go (mocking, teasing, unfair criticism) --- fairly lousy, but up from my previous 2-3.

Sounds like those people were jerks who need to mind their own business. I wouldn't pay much attention to them.

I'm not the sort of person to judge people, but if they judge me first for no reason except to be inconsiderate jerks then I will judge them back. Or if they wanted to judge (as judging each other is human nature even if we aren't the judging sort), they could have at least kept it to themselves until he had passed.

You being in that sort of situation in a work environment I think earns you much of my sympathy. Right now I'm thinking I'm a 2/10. I really need to work on it.

And, yes, you're right. Sad as it is, it's in our hands to be strong than people who treat us that way. Believe it or not, I feel fortunate I was in a circumstance like yours not too long ago working in a small office with similar toxicity. I trained myself to do the job while putting up with disruption, abusive comments and even one guy-whom himself was medically disabled in a number ways- calling me a "loser" from across the office. First I was shaky and doing the job was a little rough. It took me a while, but I was able to work through it, making calls and earning money for the company, even as the harassment was going on.

And before I was let go from the job, my impression of all of them was natural and inevitable: I felt sorry for all of them. I felt sorry for all of them because they had jobs they hated. They hated it so much, in fact, they needed to take down the new guys (I wasn't the only one but I was the last one to be let go). The problems they had were likely bore of jealousy (as I was collecting as I should have early than they were), fear (I could take their jobs) and bitterness (as I said). In perspective, their abusive had nothing to do with me and everything to with a toxic worldview I refused to take part in ... which might have been why I was let go.

The point is, again, you're right. People hate for ridiculous reasons and choose to discriminate because they have no ability to deal with their own pain or disgruntled lifestyles and, instead of trying to change, they take it out on others. Sometimes, I forget I'm not the problem ... and I should work not to internalize it.

I sorry, but no. I'm not the type to play the same game of those I can't even be bothered to respect. I'll reserve my judgments when I'm on jury duty, ya know, when it counts.

@Yakuzmonroe, thank you for sharing those details. That's right where I am now and it's good to now it's PAST for someone (you), as it will be for me... soon, one way or another.

@SharonB I hope your luck is changing, by the way. I've got an interview sometime near the end of the week.

I'm still dealing with it and this keeps happening and I'm still pissed off about it. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm just not as verbally malicious as other people are but, honestly, people in general just don't like keeping their mouths shut about people different than they are. It sucks.

Just ignore them and maybe they will stop at some point.

Since this is my third "rodeo" with this particular company, I'm also pissed. I just finished reading "Haben" (Deafblind) and she talked about how in today's culture unfortunately it's still rare to find inclusive environments. She found a few and is making a few, I hope to also!

Wishing you well for the interview.

I can ignore someone jeering or pointing from afar, but someone jabbing me hard in the chest... Wait, which are we talking about - near or far? Is it easier to ignore an individual or a group?