Being an Orphan with Autism
Hi, I'm 19 years old and I have ASD and I was wondering if anyone else could relate to what I'm going through or offer any insight or advice for me moving forward in this turbulent time in my life. Last year when I was 18 I lost my only friend I had growing up to a form of cancer, he was my guide dog specifically trained for ASD and I had him since I was 9 years old and before I had him I had no confidence to go out to public places and felt anxious going out at all, since his death I've had to relearn how to socialise and talk to people and it's been very daunting for me. 1 year later while finishing my final month of school in preparation of my final exams before going into college of May of this year my mother - who was also my lifetime carer and the one I turned to for advice on all my ASD related problems passed away to cancer, her funeral was the last time I saw my father, 6 months later I have no contact with him, I have no idea where he is and have received no communication from him.
I wasn't sure wether to use the term "orphan" in the subject matter as I know that people usually use that word when referring to someone still considered a child but I wasn't sure what other word to use as I have been living without any parent or guardian figure for the past few months and have been bereaved by my mother's untimely death and my father's subsequent abandonment, I also thought ASD is a developmental disability so maybe the word still applies? I don't know I'm not trying to offend anyone, throughout my life my father disappeared for years and would reappear unexpectedly, he let me know however last year that if anything were to happen to my mother he wasn't going to stick around for me. It has been 6 months since my Mother passed away and I spent all of that time grieving for her and trying to learn how to take care of myself and working on maintaining my mental health.
I still regularly get upset about my mother's death and often wonder if my father ever thinks about me and I have often in the past contemplated suicide...but I am in a much better place mentally to deal with these problems than I was 6 months ago. I am continuing to live in my mother's home which is what you'd call government-subsidized housing, I'm lower class and I have been living financially from weekly income I receive as a result of my Disability and have learned over these 6 months how to take care of myself, I go shopping and prepare my own meals, I maintain the house and my own washing, I pay the bills etc. and though I'm getting used to it now after 6 months of providing for myself I do often feel overwhelmed with the dramatic changes my life has undergone in less than a year and do sometimes worry it will be like this forever.
I decided to wait a year before going into college as the added pressure of college would have been enough to make me snap, I suffered from extreme loneliness and isolation as well as sleep deprivation as a result of my mother's death these past 6 months as she was my carer, mentor and friend and though I have implemented steps to improve the problems I am facing, such as attending Art classes every week and swimming sessions every week, I still find it very hard to sleep at night worrying about these circumstances I'm currently in and if they'll ever change, missing my Mother, wondering if she'd approve of how I'm coping with her loss etc. one of the final wishes my mother had left for me in her dying written words were to seek help and assistance and attend some kind of support group for my ASD and to be honest with most of you for many years I despised being Autistic and it was my mother - being my sole carer my whole life who learned about it, I never wanted to know about Autism but I'm finding now that she's gone It's very hard doing daily tasks and learning the life skills necessary to live independently as an adult and from the research I've done - such as reading Tony Attwood's A Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome and reading about Autism online and watching a show called Atypical I've discovered the reason I'm finding all of this so overwhelming and difficult is in fact because I have Autism.
I'm also finding it hard to adapt to the new added stress of financially supporting myself even though I am unemployed and sometimes worry I could potentially become homeless.. these stressful burdens I am know conscious of all the time as I have very little money. I know that me having ASD naturally making things more stressful may appear obvious to some but my whole life I was in denial about it and didn't want to accept it as it was the reason for my isolation from my peers growing up as well as many other difficulties I had but my Mother always wanted to make sure I accepted it and took pride in it and did what was necessary to learn how to live a somewhat normal life.
I'm seeking help in any way I can, tomorrow I have an appointment with an ASD group session that focuses on helping those with ASD develop their career path and for young adults to seek college application and that's what I'll be going for. I feel somewhat guilty however as tomorrow there is a mass for my Mother at our church to remember her at the same time, I've been waiting for a spot with this Autism support group since August and though my whole family is going my siblings are urging me to miss it in order to attend this group session tomorrow and I wouldn't even consider it had it not been one of my mother's final wishes in the note she left me. I'm also meeting up with an old teacher tomorrow for a coffee, I reached out to him as he was one of the few teachers that really encouraged and helped me with my ASD, he even flew back home to attend my mother's funeral. My two main passions are Art and Music, specifically drawing & animation as well as composing & recording music and I wish to pursue these in college as well as for a career. Right now I'm attending Art classes and am saving up money to finish building a recording studio I have been building for many years. I guess I'm just trying to see if anyone else with ASD can relate to what I'm going through or if they can offer any words of advice?
As this is your first post, Welcome to Wrong Planet! This is a good place to learn more about autism from people who actually have it. If I were your mother, I would be looking at you from heaven and feeling very proud of you.
Go for the autism support group. Go with the former teacher. Having supports is valuable. Keep your heart open. Rest when you can. When I was traumatized, I played videos through the night to fall asleep to.
I'm sure others will chime in as well.
_________________
The river is the melody
And sky is the refrain - Gordon Lightfoot
Hello Dylan,
First things first.
From what you write you are dealing with these turbulent circumstances with great maturity. All the steps you describe look like the best steps you could be taking, seekinf support which can perhaps fill gaps left be the deaths of your mother and your dog, giving yourself time for recovery, so that college has the best chances of ending well, rather than risking burning out or crashing out with exhaustion, stress and delayed results of the grieving process. Nine to ten months after the bereavement can be the high risk point; I crashed badly at that point after my father's unexpected death.
I am also picking up hints in your writing that you have been making really good use if the strong points whicu come with having an Autistic neurology.
Now, for sources of support as an Adult. It is going to be the case I think that the best source of support as Autistic adults is oyrselves, combining our prifiles which can have a disposition to teach ourselves, and pooling information and experience with one anorher
I think you are making a good start coming to wrong planet. In Ireland there is the orgsnisatiob asiam.ie which is autistic adult by autistic people. There have been event's like "Awsone cork". The peer support is three but small numbers of people make finding it a little hard, and the internet is very useful.
There is a great Irish contingent coming over each year to Autscape.
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for both of your kindness.
I was hesitant to join but I'm so glad I did. I was scared to share so much personal information because I didn't want to be vulnerable but I'm so glad others can relate and care enough about me, a total stranger to give me much needed advice. Thank you so much.. my first priority in life and my main motivator to keep going is to make my mother proud so that meant a lot to me.
I will go speak with my old teacher today and I will go to the support group! My sleep is very bad but I will take your advice to rest whenever the opportunity arises. I'm very sorry to hear about both of your difficulties too. I hope you both are taking care of yourself. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of videos helped you sleep? I'm so relieved to get feedback from such nice people and it is really reassuring to hear that I'm taking the right steps I need to take, I will go see how the support group goes and chat with my old teacher about things and get his opinion also, thank you so much really both of you. I'm stunned by your kindness. I will also look into AsIAm Ireland!
Last edited by Dylan Tupelo on 12 Nov 2019, 7:39 am, edited 2 times in total.
Welcome to Wrong Planet!
I am sorry for your recent losses.
_________________
Author of Practical Preparations for a Coronavirus Pandemic.
A very unique plan. As Dr. Paul Thompson wrote, "This is the very best paper on the virus I have ever seen."
My really rough time happened before YouTube and Netflix. We were still renting videos at Block Buster or buying them I bought the first season of CSI: Miami. I liked it because I live in south Florida. You don't get pythons eating people on CSI: New York.
I had seen all of it before, but it was an alternate reality I could immerse myself in until I fell asleep.
_________________
The river is the melody
And sky is the refrain - Gordon Lightfoot


I had seen all of it before, but it was an alternate reality I could immerse myself in until I fell asleep.
Thanks for the advice!
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