Hi, I'm 19 years old and I have ASD and I was wondering if anyone else could relate to what I'm going through or offer any insight or advice for me moving forward in this turbulent time in my life. Last year when I was 18 I lost my only friend I had growing up to a form of cancer, he was my guide dog specifically trained for ASD and I had him since I was 9 years old and before I had him I had no confidence to go out to public places and felt anxious going out at all, since his death I've had to relearn how to socialise and talk to people and it's been very daunting for me. 1 year later while finishing my final month of school in preparation of my final exams before going into college of May of this year my mother - who was also my lifetime carer and the one I turned to for advice on all my ASD related problems passed away to cancer, her funeral was the last time I saw my father, 6 months later I have no contact with him, I have no idea where he is and have received no communication from him.
I wasn't sure wether to use the term "orphan" in the subject matter as I know that people usually use that word when referring to someone still considered a child but I wasn't sure what other word to use as I have been living without any parent or guardian figure for the past few months and have been bereaved by my mother's untimely death and my father's subsequent abandonment, I also thought ASD is a developmental disability so maybe the word still applies? I don't know I'm not trying to offend anyone, throughout my life my father disappeared for years and would reappear unexpectedly, he let me know however last year that if anything were to happen to my mother he wasn't going to stick around for me. It has been 6 months since my Mother passed away and I spent all of that time grieving for her and trying to learn how to take care of myself and working on maintaining my mental health.
I still regularly get upset about my mother's death and often wonder if my father ever thinks about me and I have often in the past contemplated suicide...but I am in a much better place mentally to deal with these problems than I was 6 months ago. I am continuing to live in my mother's home which is what you'd call government-subsidized housing, I'm lower class and I have been living financially from weekly income I receive as a result of my Disability and have learned over these 6 months how to take care of myself, I go shopping and prepare my own meals, I maintain the house and my own washing, I pay the bills etc. and though I'm getting used to it now after 6 months of providing for myself I do often feel overwhelmed with the dramatic changes my life has undergone in less than a year and do sometimes worry it will be like this forever.
I decided to wait a year before going into college as the added pressure of college would have been enough to make me snap, I suffered from extreme loneliness and isolation as well as sleep deprivation as a result of my mother's death these past 6 months as she was my carer, mentor and friend and though I have implemented steps to improve the problems I am facing, such as attending Art classes every week and swimming sessions every week, I still find it very hard to sleep at night worrying about these circumstances I'm currently in and if they'll ever change, missing my Mother, wondering if she'd approve of how I'm coping with her loss etc. one of the final wishes my mother had left for me in her dying written words were to seek help and assistance and attend some kind of support group for my ASD and to be honest with most of you for many years I despised being Autistic and it was my mother - being my sole carer my whole life who learned about it, I never wanted to know about Autism but I'm finding now that she's gone It's very hard doing daily tasks and learning the life skills necessary to live independently as an adult and from the research I've done - such as reading Tony Attwood's A Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome and reading about Autism online and watching a show called Atypical I've discovered the reason I'm finding all of this so overwhelming and difficult is in fact because I have Autism.
I'm also finding it hard to adapt to the new added stress of financially supporting myself even though I am unemployed and sometimes worry I could potentially become homeless.. these stressful burdens I am know conscious of all the time as I have very little money. I know that me having ASD naturally making things more stressful may appear obvious to some but my whole life I was in denial about it and didn't want to accept it as it was the reason for my isolation from my peers growing up as well as many other difficulties I had but my Mother always wanted to make sure I accepted it and took pride in it and did what was necessary to learn how to live a somewhat normal life.
I'm seeking help in any way I can, tomorrow I have an appointment with an ASD group session that focuses on helping those with ASD develop their career path and for young adults to seek college application and that's what I'll be going for. I feel somewhat guilty however as tomorrow there is a mass for my Mother at our church to remember her at the same time, I've been waiting for a spot with this Autism support group since August and though my whole family is going my siblings are urging me to miss it in order to attend this group session tomorrow and I wouldn't even consider it had it not been one of my mother's final wishes in the note she left me. I'm also meeting up with an old teacher tomorrow for a coffee, I reached out to him as he was one of the few teachers that really encouraged and helped me with my ASD, he even flew back home to attend my mother's funeral. My two main passions are Art and Music, specifically drawing & animation as well as composing & recording music and I wish to pursue these in college as well as for a career. Right now I'm attending Art classes and am saving up money to finish building a recording studio I have been building for many years. I guess I'm just trying to see if anyone else with ASD can relate to what I'm going through or if they can offer any words of advice?
11 Nov 2019, 10:55 pm
