Uncanny Valley and HFA?

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I was speaking to my therapist today about problems with eye contact. She said that I'm "almost normal" with eye contact but there's something that's "a little off".

I feel as though I fit into uncanny valley for most people. I am almost "normal acting", I can almost "pass", but I'm not quite there and likely never will be. I am not so obvious nowadays with Autism, when I describe it people tell me I'm "fine." Then they misinterpret my cues and exclude me.

What "HFA" typically means for me is that people have high expectations of me that I always fall just a bit short of. I feel as though I am in the middle of a social Zeno's paradox, getting closer and closer to "normal" without ever reaching it. It's exhausting to try to reach out and have hope for connections at school, then get shot down. I want so badly to be normal, and to be able to feel connected and desirable. I don't feel like a good person. I also think people tend to judge me harshly because they immediately think that I should know how to behave. When I ask for feedback from therapists, they can't exactly describe what's wrong, there's just something "off."

I'm not trying to say that I have it the worst out of the spectrum or play the suffering olympics. I'm venting after another stressful day at school.

You may be placing unnecessary stress on yourself to be able to meet what everyone expects. An allowance should be made that people will apply compensation criteria for those they get to know. While masking may be required (especially when meeting new people), those you are getting to know can be imposed upon to carry a little of the "burden" of interacting with people. This "burden" is the accommodation of idiosyncrasies. Granted in a society that is constantly pushing conformity, there is little room for the idiosyncratic. However, there can still be a little room for accommodation.

If people come to think slightly less of you because they have to occasionally accommodate an idiosyncrasy, it can relieve you of a lot of stress. People love to feel superior anyway. Those who come to know the real you and appreciate you for who you are the real gems one finds in life. Do not spend too much effort trying to find acceptance from those who are unwilling or unable to know the real you.

I think you are putting unnecessary stress on yourself trying to be normal.

"Uncanny Valley" behavior is likely what causes many autistic males to be perceived as 'creeps' by potential dates.

Yes, and the whole thing is very unfortunate because I believe that most of us want to be good people who make others happy, but we lack the intuition and know-how. Those who might easily perceive our issues may feel uncomfortable confronting us a la conventional social etiquette.