Virginity problem running in the family

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I am a 30 year old American male. My first thread on this forum was written when I was 29, about my fears about turning 30 and being a virgin. Not by choice, not by some sort of religious belief like abstinence, but rather just it happened that way without my wanting it to.

I did some research into my family history, in this case my mother's family history. My mother has also had problems with attraction like I do, and she was a virgin until age 27. My maternal grandfather (her father) was a virgin almost until age 50. In other words, even though I am only 30 years old, my grandfather was born before the end of the First World War. I remember vaguely about how family said that he had trouble finding a wife that it took him until his late 40s to do so. Both my mother and I have Asperger's, and whilst my grandfather had several mental issues including severe OCD, it is suspected that he had at least mild ASD.

Now, going back further, my great-grandfather (my grandfather's father) was born in the 1860s. He was in his 50s when my grandfather was born. I think that he got married in his late 40s. There is not much data after that, but there is a record that my great-great-grandfather (my great-grandfather's father) was born in the 1810s. So he was probably in the late 40s or early 50s when my great-grandfather was born. As no one who is still alive in the family would know, no one knows why he was that old when he finally got married and had children. In the 1800s, a man still single/virgin in his 40s and 50s was probably looked upon as having missed the boat. In other words, I am 30 years old, but my great-great-grandfather was born during the time of Napoleon.

So I was wondering, is there something that my mother's family inherited and passed down (especially the males) that makes it so hard for us to lose our virginity? I remember my grandfather being quite socially awkward and aloof, and I see this in myself and my mother as well. Is there something in our blood that makes us repulsive to the opposite sex?

Maybe I am overthinking this with my tendency to overanalyse things, but I just thought that this is more than coincidental, especially because my father's side of the family does not have this problem.

It could be ASD and the lack of social skills caused by it. It'd make sense.

Since you are here to tell us that we can say that it is not chronic.

In order to me have an intercourse I would need a medical intervention. I'd rather stay virgin rest of my life than go through it. This is not what has ever happened in our family before. They all seemed to lost virginity pretty early at least in early twenties but I'm a lone exception to that.

Total celibacy is hereditary.

I inherited it from my parents.

They inherited it from my grandparents.

And they from my great grandparents.

And so on...

My late grandfather was born in 1900. He had my late father (his only child) when he was 32.

I’m 58, hardly a virgin, but have no kids.

Genome map


Doesn't matter if it is genetic

You can't change genes


Gene therapy

Since when is 'virginity' a problem?  If you don't make it a problem, then it isn't one.

The root cause of ASD is primarily genetic. In general, Aspies tend to lack social skills and as a result finding a mate represents a significant challenge. So IMHO for an Aspie, getting married later in life is a little more common than NTs. It is interesting that you are using your family genealogy to validate the genetic link.

One comment to note is that you are equating virginity to marriage. Being married at a later age does not alway correlate to virginity.

I see what you did there!  It's a riff on an old joke...

"Chances are, if your parents have no children, then neither do you!"

My paternal grandfather was born in 1895 . My paternal grandmother was born in 1891 .

My paternal grandfather: 1900. Passed away 1987

My paternal grandmother: 1902 Passed away 1971

My maternal grandfather: No idea Passed away about 1946

My maternal grandmother: 1904 Passed away 1993

In actuality, of the three grandparents I knew, I don't believe any of them were particularly "successful" as far as "getting dates" was concerned.

My paternal grandfather had 9 brothers and sisters; he had only one son, though.

It is not I who think that it is a problem. Is it the negative reactions and consequences that I experience due to being a virgin that it affects my life.

I am referring mainly to social interactions, especially dating. Close to 100% of the women who asked me about the virginity issue made negative or insulting comments when I revealed to them that I was indeed a virgin. This includes both on dates and just during social events. Apparently here where I live being a virgin past even 20 is already falling into the "undateable" range. When I was 26 and started going to meetups, close to every woman who asked me about it thought that I had a serious problem that I was a virgin. As a result, this virginity prevented me from being eligible for dates. And on dates when they found out, it put me in the "ineligible" column for a second date.

Even on online dating apps, although not very common, I have come across several profiles where the women have a list of "not eligible". Examples are "I do not date men under 6'2" (188 cm)", "non-White men please do not contact me", "I will not date under any circumstances Chinese and Indian men", "I do not date men who earn less than $200000", etc. But some profiles had the women state explicitly, "No virgins allowed" or "I do not date virgins". It is deflating.

Even male friends/acquaintances have usually insulted me or made otherwise negative comments when they asked me about it and I revealed it to them. Most exclude me from their social circle, and now ignore me. So not am I considered undateable amongst the women, I am considered "unfriendable" amongst male colleagues and peers.

So this whole issue is not really about what I feel. It is the fact that, no matter how confident I am about having failed in dating and sex in my life, the mere fact of being a virgin this old is an automatic red flag to everyone that I am a flawed person that does not deserve dates/relationships nor friendship.

At least this is how it is here where I live.

1) Do what half of the guys your are who scorn you do. That being just lie about it. Half of them are virgins too. But unlike you they know enough not to blab about it.

2)Go to a hooker and pay for it. Its not as cool as seducing a woman, but at least you will then be able to honestly say that you are no longer a virgin ( you don't have to go into the details of how you lost your virginity).

Or you could wait for a lady who sees this as a positive, as someone who has lots of self-control and can think of things to do other than seek sexual gratification.

If you find one and you both seem agreeable to it, marry her!

(My lady friend not only knew I was a virgin but a voluntary celibate when we met. The worst kind of boyfriend. But now we're both going along fine with each other. Sex is out of the question, because neither of us are married at this time and I don't want to end up "using" her for fun especially when I have the ardor of a cold dish-rag. But it should be great if she and I get through college and decide to marry--I'm excited about being able to live with such an awesome person.)

I think I read this thread too quickly. I read that ones parents and grandparents are virgins? Hang on. How is that possible? I may need to read this again!

Well that would be the ideal and what I am trying to do, but after decades it has not happened. And I am having trouble meeting any in the first place.

But you are voluntarily virgin. That is very different. I never believed in abstinence or any of that stuff. It is just that it never happened for me. No occasion presented itself, like it did for most other guys. Perhaps I did not really try hard in my 20s, because I thought that it would occur naturally someday. Never did.

I suspect that my mother and some of my male predecessors in the family had similar problems.