Unable to tolerate casual touching (dating)

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I have heard over and over how touch is key in the dating world, and that no touch means no attraction. However, as a 30 year old male, I never felt comfortable with casual touch.

When I was 14 in high school, a girl kept trying to talk to me. Eventually, one day, when I was eating lunch alone on a bench, she went up next to me, took my right hand and laced fingers with me. As a reflex I immediately withdrew, as if I put my hand on a hot oven. On other occasions she tried to put my arms around my shoulders and touch my hands. In addition to withdrawing, I was left confused as to what she was doing.

Throughout high school, when girls tried to hug me, I withdrew immediately, as if someone were trying to pickpocket me. They usually ended up thinking that I was very odd. In last year of high school (equivalent of last year of sixth form in the UK), I went to prom with this girl, and I could not slow dance with her at all. Those slow, romantic dances made me extremely uncomfortable to the point that I just stood on the dance floor like an unmovable rock. She eventually thought that I had severe problems and left early.

When I was in university in the UK around age 19 or 20 or so, some Dutch woman from my residence hall used to talk to me a lot. One night when we were going together to a bar to meet up with other students. I was standing there next to her, and my right arm was in my pocket. She suddenly put her left arm through the loop to lock arms with me. I stepped away and immediately unlocked arms as a reflex. She looked shocked, but still kept talking to me anyway.

I tried very occasional dating in my late 20s, which never worked. However, greeting and farewells usually they tried to hug me or something similar. When they approached to hug goodbye, I usually would step back. A lot seemed confused about this. I have never been on a second date before, but it seemed like my reflexes confused all of them.

When they initiated casual touch with me, my pattern was usually to withdraw, and have a facial expression similar to the "deer in the headlights" look.

Are my reflexes and repulsion to casual touch really that much of a turn-off in dating? Is this touch thing seriously that important for neurotypicals?

Touch seems to cause me a lot of anxiety. As in, my heart rate increases and my blood pressure spikes. If I had to estimate, my pulse would probably be over 100, and blood pressure might be over 180/90.

Yes, certainly very important to dating for NTs and I think for most of us too. I would try to get same help with that. Both my aspie daughter and I were never very interested in physical closeness to our parents, but we don't have a problem with partners.

I read that Einstein wouldn't let his kids touch him. I was certainly not like that, but I probably was less huggy than most fathers. I remember a book I read to them named "Hug" about it monkey looking for a hug. I would use that as a reminder to hug my kids. I don't remember where the book came from, but maybe someone realized I needed the reminder .

I fully agree. I do recall a time when I was young (4-5 years old) that my mum and/or aunties would pull me on the laps and hug me. The soft blubbery feel of their boobs scared the hell out of me.

Yes, touch is extremely important to many if not most people. It is not common among NTs to be that averse to touching in the appropriate situation. However, inappropriate touching would illicit your type of response.
If this is something you can't tolerate, then you need to develop a method or a script for letting dates know. Do you know if you can tolerate any form of touching?

If I am warned before that I would be touched, it might be easier. But most that are "normal" do not do this, nor would put up with this.

Usually if I get touched, my instinct is withdraw. Like a hot oven. I usually associate touch with pickpockets, robbers and such.

When I was 12, I had to go to this school dance because it was the last year of primary school and there was this annual dance for leavers. I was paired with this girl, and I could not slow dance at all. She told me to put her arms around her waist, but I tried and could not get it right. My classmates saw me struggling on the dance floor and came over to try to teach me how to dance properly. I still could not do it properly, and eventually I became too flustered. Then more classmates started seeing me and made fun of me. The girl told me, "It is not that hard" and "Relax" and stuff like that. Even some classmates physically took my arms and put them around her waist trying to show me. Eventually I just gave up because I was feeling a panic attack brewing inside. So I left her there and went to a chair and sat in the dark by myself. I got made fun of that for the rest of the year.

It is like when I have to touch another, I still am hesitant and not sure how to approach the situation. Or vice versa, when they are allowed to touch me.

If the problem is more with unexpected, sudden touch then you should be fine. Many will probably think it's weird, but when the right woman comes along, I'm sure you can work things out in the proper pace and get used to touch when you're expecting it. And if not, well, would someone who'd press or force you in to physical contact even be worth of having a relationship with?