OCD in dating concerning AIDS and other STIs

Post Reply New Topic

I will not repeat my entire history here, as it probably is quite known already, but I am a male who is still single/virgin at 30. I already have a lot of problems in dating and social interactions. However, since I was around perhaps 10 or 11 or so, I remember in sexual education having to learn about STIs, with a special emphasis on HIV and AIDS. Now I remember the well-known ways of infection, i.e. blood, sexual fluids, etc. But on and off I heard how there was a debate about whether saliva and tears were possible dangers of transmission. Also, I have OCD with my handwashing, so I often have open cuts on my hands.

I have zero experience in both relationships and sex, so I have never had any form of sex, never have had any sort of kiss, and have not really held hands other than a few times when a couple times when girls laced fingers with my hands without my expecting it.

I just realised how my deep fears about STIs, specifically AIDS, also could hinder me in any future relationship. I remember when I was a teenager being extremely paranoid about HIV virii being everywhere, that I wondered if I could get AIDS from kissing even. I remember that when I was a teenager, there was something on the TV news that had said that HIV could contrary to popular opinion be transmitted via saliva if in great amounts. That really scared me and basically confirmed my fears. It did not really matter, since it seemed like no girl wanted to kiss me anyway, but still. Up to now I still have fears about this. Not to mention actual vaginal sex as well.

I try to imagine that in a relationship, I would be petrified of even hand-holding, not only from my own aversion to touch, but also my severe fear that I could get AIDS through cuts in my hands. As much as I would love to have it, I am still concerned about vaginal sex and possible AIDS infections. I have some sort of obsessive fear that what if some woman lies to me or does not know that she has AIDS and then I catch it. I keep replaying this hypothetical over and over in my thoughts.

I am 30, so I was not old enough during the early and mid 1980s to experience the paranoia about AIDS. However, I am just as paranoid as any random person was during for example 1981 or 1982 when AIDS started spreading like an epidemic throughout the West.

This sounds ridiculous given that I have a degree in biology, so I feel like I should know what really is going on by myself. But I am still confused ever since I saw the TV report that AIDS can be transmitted by large quantities of saliva. French kissing scares me a lot for this reason.

I have some other paranoid fears, for example sometimes I get paranoid if someone is putting AIDS in my food and stuff. But that is a completely different topic/fear.

Are my fears excessive? Or is there some truth to what worries me?

I think you're worrying too much. I'm not completely sure about the other ones, but I'm almost 100 % sure that AIDS/HIV don't spread by saliva. Of course, if you kiss someone with one of these and they have a wound in their mouth that bleeds, then you might get infected, but saliva? I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. Holding hands with someone isn't a problem either as long as that other person's hands aren't bleeding. As for being tricked in to sex with someone who has it, well, as a general advice I'd say to ALWAYS use a condom unless the plan is to have children. And if you don't have one night stands, the chances of someone not telling you and still having sex with you drops dramatically. Of course, you could get in to a relationship with someone who hasn't found out yet, but the chances of this happening can also be lowered by only dating people who haven't had much of a sexlife. Or by both of you taking a test before starting sex life. Or just her if she trusts your word, but I think it'd be easier to get someone to agree to take a test like that if you did too.

Yes, excessive. BTDT (with other concerns). Percentages help me. I go by the 20/80 rule, or better yet the 10/90 rule... if there is an 90% chance something is not going to happen, I acknowledge the possibility that it will, take "reasonable" precautions and then repeat to myself "90% ok, 90% ok" until my panic subsides, and I may have to do this a lot. It works for me in most situations.

In my case I trusted my partners that they were tested and negative, but as you probably know people can lie and if they are honest, unbeknownst to them tests can have false negatives (e.g. recent exposure), so there is always a chance... but I went with mitigating "reasonable" (20/80) doubt.

Warning potential triggers: (1) Heck, I got a blood transfusion during a medical emergency a decade ago and I still loosely think about what I might have contracted even though samples are tested (only for specific items, not all, only at a specific time, not later) --- but you know what? Being alive is worth it (the 10% or less risk). (2) My AS-like BFF did get a mild, transient STI from a BF over a decade ago and there has been no longer-term negative effects for her; not all STIs are equal. She does not regret her relationship.

Somewhere in your mind you are calculating the risk of AIDs or bad STIs as 80% (or more), but if you filter some of the big fears can you find a more accurate assessment of the chance given some of the precautions you plan? Replace your 80% (or more) fear with that more realistic number. What would that be?

IMHO being in a mutually respectful sexual relationship is worth [the more realistic number you come up with] risk. Concentrate on the 100 - [the more realistic number you come up with] ok.

Warning loss trigger: I had lost five pregnancies and was pregnant again. I was further along this time. I was depressed but functional b/c I kept in mind the 95% chance (and increasing) the pregnancy would produce a living child, according to my online research. The 5% chance of another loss loomed large, overwhelming to me (since I was the less than 1% with five consecutive losses --- so the risk was 5 times great than what I had experienced already, but 95% ok, 95% ok, 95% ok). And it was.

Let us see what the CDC has to say:

In extremely rare cases, HIV has been transmitted by
Deep, open-mouth kissing if both partners have sores or bleeding gums and blood from the HIV-positive partner gets into the bloodstream of the HIV-negative partner. HIV is not spread through saliva.

Source: HIV Transmission

So extremely rare means extremely rare but not zero.

So if this worries you, don't french kiss. And remember HIV is not spread through saliva.

There are many things that can drive an element of fear. You can't read a newspaper or watch the news without being bombarded with threats. Many of these are not even real. They are just hyped. It is important to look at fear through the lens of probability theory. So I tend to think your fears are very excessive almost bordering on paranoia.

But I would be more worried about the cracks in your hands due to OCD driving excessive hand washing. Open wounds provide a pathway to infections. So focus on getting that condition under control and don't sweat the kissing.