Has anyone actually praised your struggles and progress?

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Jayo
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04 Jan 2020, 3:54 pm

You know, with our ASD/HFA condition being so stigmatized, and evoking a dismissive or cold-shouldered or even hostile response...can anyone recount an anecdote of when someone (an NT) offered sincere praise and encouragement and such of what you have to go / have gone through?

As the irony is that many people consider us "deficient humans" or "weak", when objectively speaking we could actually be stronger-willed or demonstrating more character than the average person for managing our struggles and achieving positive outcomes - but those people are reluctant to admit this because we're "not like them". The same thing could be said in a somewhat more abstract way about films about young black people who make it past adversity, to anyone who's not African-American but could appreciate the struggles and strength of character shown.

I can recall a handful of occasions, from friends and former co-workers, where they sincerely praised my efforts and progress in life despite the adversity I had to deal with. They acknowledged, pre-diagnosis at age 27, that I didn't always pick up on and appropriately respond to non-verbals, but that I had a good heart and wanted to do the right thing - whereas others might well have thought "OKaaayyy...weirdo alert...I'm outta here."

So then they also acknowledged my strides post-diagnosis in the early 2000s and supported me with encouragement and feedback, which made it all the better. :D Luckily I've sustained fulfilling employment in the CS/IT sector (where else?) and have a family of my own. I've long since cut out the toxic people who were just out to tear me down.

So many times, I don't think the naysayers or cynics (who are in the majority, regrettably) truly want to understand where we're coming from or what we've been through, because it's unnerving or unsettling to them. It's like they want to confirm to themselves that humans like us don't really exist, and our condition being what it is, we don't always see through the flippant / flimsy responses of "you don't seem to have it that bad" or "I don't really think you have it" or whatever. :roll: To me, in retrospect, those were just self-serving responses where they wanted to safeguard their own world view that "socio-emotionally dyslexic humans" like us didn't really exist, because such a notion was taboo, it was stigma. On a darker side/note, some of those people were even denying our existence on a symbolic or metaphysical level by saying such things - it was especially unnerving for me, because it conveyed to me that if they could, they'd eliminate us altogether like they did with the "undesirables" in Nazi Germany. Again, self-serving viewpoints to uphold the perverse ethos of the majority, who somehow got high on the hive-minded notion that they're entitled to live their lives free of the undesirables. Which is scary to me. 8O

And that's precisely why I've come to cherish all those rare rays of sunlight from people who have wished me well even if we had some arguably superficial differences. :)



Dear_one
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04 Jan 2020, 8:00 pm

I once called my counsellor "my cheerleader." She was OK, but I really don't like it when I'm praised according to a formula for encouragement by someone who has no idea what I'm up to. Those who do understand are rare, and likely to be preoccupied. I've also been hanging out with a lot of Buddhists, who think that praise is a hazard to the soul. I should not have assumed that my wife shared that opinion.



Edna3362
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05 Jan 2020, 2:11 am

Pff, yes.
I perceive and react to it inconsistently, instead of variably between people.

Generally:
The me who's being frustrated and a problem sees it as degrading and patronizing.
The me who's being guilty of a problem person sees it as some piss poor attempt on sympathizing and not actually understand what it truly meant.
The me who's being happy or shameless doesn't damn care about that.
The me who's not being a problem thought it's a confusing thought.
The me who's being too sad thought it's just too awkward.
The me who's being serene and empathetic would try to understand what it truly meant.


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lvpin
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05 Jan 2020, 2:24 am

Prediagnosis not really because many of my problems were seen as me just being difficult or lying because the issues were "obvious". My mother admits that there were actually many signs and she just ignored them in favour of hat she thought I was, instead of looking at what I'd shown.

However now that my outer family accepts my diagnosis (after researching my mum was my biggest help and fought to get me diagnosed when they didn't want to send me off) I do have my struggles recognised and am congratulated when I get past them. They definitely see how much better I am after my diagnosis and how I am just someone who is trying, not a person who is lying to get out of things.

In the school setting I am as well but there it is a bit more uncomfortable. My teachers recognise I struggle due to my dyspraxia + autism and compliment me. However the way it is done can sometimes feel a bit like they are talking down to me. Yes, I've been through/coped with quite a lot and I get my life has been/is harder than many my age but there are also those with way worse. Being congratulated in the way I do just feels weird because of that fact.



Dear_one
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05 Jan 2020, 2:33 am

lvpin wrote:
Prediagnosis not really because many of my problems were seen as me just being difficult or lying because the issues were "obvious". My mother admits that there were actually many signs and she just ignored them in favour of hat she thought I was, instead of looking at what I'd shown. <snip>


In "Lila," Robert Persig describes sailing into an unfamiliar port at night. He was having more trouble than usual holding a course, it seemed, and one of the navigation buoys was missing, but he had no trouble finding and tying up at a wharf. Then he learned he was in a different city.

People see what they expect to see. When the Spanish first arrived in the New World, people didn't know where they had come from, until the shamans looked very carefully at water that had always been empty before, and finally spotted the ships. The derelict building marking the corner where a friend has always turned for home burned down recently, and it took my friend several attempts to notice it.

At any school concert, you will find parents who vastly overestimate their child's ability. Etc.



Confused_Sloth
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06 Jan 2020, 1:06 am

In relation to my Autism? Not really, no. My family doesn't really understand Autism and other people tend not to realize I have Autism because I put on a mask, outside.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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06 Jan 2020, 4:05 am

My psychiatrist did say that I was impressive because most people couldn't even get through the day with my "normal" level of stress.


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dragonsanddemons
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06 Jan 2020, 10:00 pm

Only my mom - and myself, if that counts. From everyone else, most of what I get is just overestimation and minimalization.


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