Desire to fix relationships or other people's issues...

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Graelwyn typed this recently...

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That sparked an interest in me as to why some folks, like Graelwyn and I, work so hard at fixing "things" for others... their personal problems, relationships, etc , often at the expense of our own happiness/stability/positive growth.
For me, I've had to start shutting down against those urges to help/fix. That hasn't been easy, nor 100% possible, but I still try to avoid it as a regular mission of mine.
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This creates a feeling of isolation, but if I look at myself honestly, I'm happier than when I was 'fixing' things... or thinking I was!
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I'm talking more of close personal relationships, for myself, and how much time and energy I spent trying to get family members to like each other again.
Perhaps my own issue in this vein is more a result of being adopted, and always knowing it?
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But what if my attempts at helping others, is a veiled attempt to create a semblance of the intact family I never had but always desired?
Who better to finally accept me for myself as I see myself, and as others see me... The Good The Bad & The Ugly?
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I want to write more, but feeling pressed for time... wasn't planning on returning to WP today... just happened.
Perhaps I'll be back for more!

Hi! How are you?)

Interesting, I used to do that a lot and I come from a broken and toxic family. I can't say to what extent this is an inborn or acquired trait.

I've learned pretty quickly not to try to mediate conflicts outside of work as the pattern I noticed is that I end up getting blamed for whatever goes wrong then or later and as Graelwyn mentioned, there are also the ones who will try to take advantage of you. I don't think it's possible to make people like each other anyway.

These days I carefully choose my "battles"; I concentrate such efforts where I can see they are both needed and appreciated.

As a matter of opinion, I don't think anyone can be happy or content without accepting themselves, as they are. It's not easy for most and even harder for troubled people.

Doing well!
Drowning in some respects but smiling mostly all the way down! HA!
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Realize I miss the days when I was working in a lab and had time at night to hang out here!
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How are you doing?

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Ever since I made the jump from MySpace (yeah, I said that) to FaceBook, my connection with family and some friends has become easier to control and deal with.
Not that MySpace was the problem... nor FaceBook the panacea... I believe it was more just about the time of my life when that change occurred that personal issues started evolving in a different way... finally!
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I'm not comfortable in large family or social gatherings... too many people, voices to keep track of... basically too much stimulation and too much emotional expectations placed upon me!
Keeping in contact online has become a very nice way to have certain relationships with people.

The physical and virtual distance I have acquired between those people and myself has definitely made it easier for me to dial back this impulse to help.
I care and love those people... but because I am who I am and how I am... I don't really desire so many close relationships.. especially in realtime.
I really deal better with only one or two close relationships in my immediate space.
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What was the question?

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It's almost as if in fixing relationships for those close to me, I hoped to create a landing pad that I could safely drop upon in pillowy, cloud-like, softness.. albeit a bit firmer so I didn't fall straight through, which now that I type that seems to be what mostly happened... and enjoy not only the affirmation that I was alright and accepted by those people, but mainly by myself... which I totally didn't want to admit.
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I LOVE Internet Grammar... no rules! Bwahahahahahaha
Anywayz... just feeling like rambling today I suppose...

How well you express yourself, it is so good that you know what is good for you and have made room for yourself and your needs. You are lovely.

Last edited by Teach51 on 08 Jan 2020, 4:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't use social media but I get it, especially the bolded parts.

Ramble away, it's what we're here for

Do I understand correctly that you thought (or think) that being accepted by others would make it easier for you to accept yourself?

Mod Note:

The above off topic instrusion was posted by a repeat spammer who has appeared on WP under many usernames. The off topic intrusion is one hallmark of this particular pest.. who will no doubt be back. Thanks for reporting it smudge

Oh!
Damn!
I thought I made a new friend!
...and so it goes....

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(actually... I thought it was someone from 'back in the day...' who knew me and was reconnecting.

Hmmmmm.... this should really be my last post... I need to get on with some other stuff this afternoon...
BUT...
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I do believe that from childhood, I have had this penchant for transferring the ideal of someone else's acceptance of me over to my own acceptance that I was an okay person.
It wasn't until in my 40's that I really turned around my self-loathing.
I'm still rounding that turn... but it feels like I've almost made it!
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I have never felt like I can have a 100% belief in any answer about my difficult emotional issues and their origins, and so, finding the 'cure' has been equally less-than-perfect.
I'm fine with all that now, so much more than in previous years of my life.
So when I talk about hinging my self-respect on what I perceive other people's view of me to be, it's more of an interesting topic I'm toying with and not a, seeking of THE answer!
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I have historically been extremely uncomfortable with praise from others. Again, this was more so back during my days of self-loathing.
Commendations, awards, praise (especially public)... made me cringe every time.
I avoided those situations where I was supposed to walk up on stage, podium, or in front of the camera/crowd to accept some acknowledgement of my abilities, contributions, or sacrifice. Literally... I escaped out the back door whenever possible... or just never showed up in the first place.
It was always a moment of, "They don't really know me or else they wouldn't like me!".
Not that I'm a 'bad person'.
Things like my ADHD, my gender questioning, were always things I knew others didn't appreciate, understand, or accept.
Like others here, I was surrounded by a majority opinion that I was defective either by chance or choice.
I took that rod and beat myself (figuratively... of course... ) needlessly with it and so developed the mindset I lived my earlier years with.
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Coming around full-circle
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I do see some truth in the idea that I saw acceptance from others, as the foundation for acceptance by myself.
Only now do I see how false this really was.
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Okay... taking a break now.
But make no mistake.... I'LL BE BACK!

I relate very strongly to what you say

I went through some of those stages myself but due to different circumstances ended up not caring at all what other people think of me. It was my way of freeing myself from the tyranny of "public" opinion and the pervasive claim there was something inherently wrong with me, not necessarily my actions but my mere being was somewhat offensive - it's been a while now since I actually made peace with myself. I only care what people I love and value think of me these days.

I still struggle with the whole "love yourself" etc notion, I realised though that loving or even liking yourself are not actually necessary in order to accept yourself.

It's a very interesting subject, including the nature vs nurture aspect of it.

Come back in your own time I come and go too, many of us are

I can appreciate that sentiment.

The self-loathing I experienced was definitely influenced by a study of how people around me spoke of, and acted towards, those who were labeled as "different"... which I realized at a young age could include me.

In an attempt to assimilate to the West Texas culture I was immersed in, and my fear of being dumped on a street corner by my adopted family should I prove to be of the unwanted type, I set about adopting a poor assessment of human worthiness... which, when adding up all the 'bad' things I felt I knew about myself that others abhorred, culminated in the terrible self-image I felt I had no other choice but to acknowledge.

Personally, I don't get the whole, "I love me" thing. I sense what I describe as love, towards others, but acceptance of my own self seems right on, whereas trying to feel the same 'love' for my own self just doesn't compute.

Furthermore....
Whenever I hear people say, "What would you say to little wsmac today?", I'm all like.... well... that's pretty weird!
I am me... I was me back then... so who am I supposed to be talking to again?
I did try it. Just seemed like too much pretending to take seriously.

Don't get me wrong... I do have quite the vivid imagination... but not so much for fantasy attempting to replicate reality in the sense of me talking to my younger self.
But.. if that works for someone else... Hooray!