Feel guilty over impact autism has on my family

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Dear everyone,

Recently my mother died, unexpectedly at the age of 65. I am devastated, not least because she frequently felt as though I didn't love and care for her. My tendency to disappear into my phone or cross stitch after a family meal, without conversation, or offers to help cook, have caused others a great deal of distress. They think that as a normal looking, 42 year old woman, I should intuit these things without directly being told. And they think of me as a selfish, uncaring person. Even despite an autism level 2 diagnosis last year.

I am now beating myself up for being a horrible person, and feeling guilty over how I treated my mother, despite being on call so I could do her shopping, for well over a decade.

I feel as though my family has disappeared, that I am irreparably broken in ways I can't even understand, and that my life is lonely and meaningless.

Welcome to wrong planet. I wish it were under better circumstances.

Thing is you and your mom probably had no reason to understand why you acted the way you did and every reason to believe the reason was character flaws not a condition you were born with.

You probably had no way of knowing any coping mechanism. There is so much misunderstanding about Autism. That your relatives after your diagnosis apparently made no effort to understand Autism is on them not you.

While you can’t undo the past you do not have to make the same mistakes again.

You do need breaks from socialization. I would advise using timer software on your phone so you don’t ”forget” to go back to things you need to do.

As people get old, they lose friends and family and the safety net of people who will come to their aid.
So by helping your mother with groceries or coming to her aid when she called, you demonstrated love for your mom when it really counted.
There is nothing to beat yourself up about.