Emotional Meltdowns...

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As a child and as an adult sometimes, I had severe emotional Meltdowns, not sensory. Now as an adult I'm for sure bipolar and suspected to be on the spectrum...

Of course as a child I was accused of throwing tantrums... They thought I had control over my episodes. But I do not, when I am emotionally overstimulated I cannot control my reactions very well and go into a state of emotional overload. A couple times I went into shutdown instead.

The only thing I know for sure is that I'm bipolar, I tested as gifted too... And that lots of people over the years and my own suspicions have painted me as autistic. Plus anxiety disorder and maybe borderline personality.

Now some of the people pointed out I am high on some characteristics like special interests, but my actual social skills are pretty good now and I couldn't be diagnosed on the spectrum because I'm not disabled by it. But on the other hand reading my psych reports as a kid my childhood social skills were horrible.

I'm getting off subject like I always do... Even the book "kids in the syndrome mix" didn't sort things out well. I was severely disabled as a child, and now, but in my early 20's I was doing well... Even my doctor doesn't understand....

I am "stellar" in some environments and I am "disabled" in others. I feel like a legless person who is dragging herself up a cliff face (by her arms) and on an adrenaline high! Look how strong, look how amazing! and then put me on a downtown LA bus and I am rather stupid and helpless (I forgot my prosthetics of course). In some parts of my life there was the "routine" and support -or else I didn't strive, and in other parts there wasn't (to more or less of a degree) -or else I wanted more. Outwardly I am succeeding (up that cliff face!) but inwardly I am in near constant crisis.

I tightly control my behavior, on the other hand my emotions surge so frequently and are so BIG that it is not absolutely controlled.