Semi-controlled partial meltdowns?

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I've noticed myself doing this a few times, recently. I connect it to the work with my therapist about unmasking and connecting with my true feelings. The thing looks like this:
I stand up, flapping my hands, my tongue gets tangled but I manage to spit single words like:
"sorry... not now... I... need... a break."

I get surprisingly good reactions for this, even in public. Apparently, much better than when I tried to keep appearing normal until I entered a full meltdown.

I used to have meltdowns, and social consequences. Those episodes never stopped happening, but I learned to turn them inwards, an experience I've seen many autistics describe as a shutdown.

Your account seems wholly consistent with one of those.

This probably seems like old news, especially given your post count, but your report and this amplification seem to be a direct fit, to me.

It's the same raging amygdala, quite likely caused by sensory overload, often following increased sensory sensitivity eg for emotional or anxiety reasons. The shutdown is a meltdown with conscious suppression of the meltdown's usual outer signs.

We're not coping during a shutdown. Neurotypicals will often read that signal even if they are only partly sure what to make of it.

Okay, some background history:
I used to have violent meltdowns as a child. They were met with a mix of agression and contempt that made them even worse. A lot of trauma from this.
Over time, I learned to control myself - I dissociated from my feelings and acted in whatever way I found appropriate at the moment. Almost perfect masking. The problem? Years of daily employing this technique made me mentally ill. I'm still scared of the idea of having a meltdown in public.
My ongoing therapy is a lot about reconnecting with what I really feel and unlearning the dissociative reflex.
I do experience shutdowns, too, mostly partial. Teachers from high school believed I was doing drugs when they saw how my mental capacity fluctuated. It's all about slowing down like an overloaded computer.

What I describe may be some kind of a middle ground between acting socially acceptably and expressing what I feel. This is what I meant to share.

I'm glad you are getting more helpful reactions. I've discovered something similar recently. I used to try and push through overwhelm and act normal too. I'd suffer terribly and then be angry that no one understood I was struggling and that they didn't care. I've also been trying to mask less as it's is just so exhausting. But words, even a few simple words delivered without elegance are often just enough for people to understand. I think most people aren't hostile or uncaring of autistic people, they just don't understand our communication without subtitles in the native NT language which is spoken words. Which sucks, because I find words words are so hard to find and speak during meltdown/shutdown.

My family members have been able to defuse my meltdowns at times.

Chloe has an interesting solution - communication cards!

This thread hit home. I do not know if I will ever get used to reading detailed accounts of my experiences written by a person that I have never met. I have a great fear of having a meltdown in public, and will do anything to avoid it. I can limp along, but I know that I am not functioning at capacity. The result is, heightend sensory issues, exhaustion, and a near shutdown of executive function. I just wish that I could be me.

I am also "experimenting" with meltdowns since my diagnosis. My past options were full repression (=depression) or freak out (privately). I've written in other posts that I stepped out of a party but needed a better "exit" phrase. Last week instead of fully repressing my feelings, I only mostly repressed them (and fell asleep) --- so that was an improvement, I think. Ideally I could regulate them and stay awake, but oh, hum.