Afraid of not getting autism diagnosis

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Here's one thing that puzzles me. Why do I want this diagnosis so much? I am not even 100% sure I'm autistic. There are certain key characteristics lacking, that seem to be very typical for those on the spectrum. Routines and habits for example. Not only I don't need those, but on the contrary, I really need changes and challenges, otherwise I become frustrated. So I like to move countries regularly. Or at least furniture. Another lacking typical characteristic is sensory sensitivities. I don't think I have those. On the contrary, I like loud noises, unless they are people's voices.

So, right now, I don't think people could tell I'm autistic. I function, I socialize, I look people in the eyes, I listen to them. It just takes effort, that's all. And sometimes I'm still awkward, especially in uncommon social situations. But that can happen to everyone. I tried to tell my boyfriend about my suspicions, he didn't believe it.

My suspicions came after seeing a TED talk by a girl who told how girls with Aspergers fly under the radar because of their abilities to imitate proper behavior. That! That was me. That was my childhood. I always wanted to have friends but had no clue how to get them. I used to think that I need to say interesting things to get people interested in me. That never worked. So I was alone and I watched them. And I still couldn't figure it out. I had no idea that emotions are supposed to be involved in communication. I realized that in my late twenties when I did some group psychotherapy, accidentally. It was about communication. I watched the other members of the group sharing their feelings. When one cried, the others got sad, and some of them cried too. When one was happy, the others were happy for her and said supportive phrases. No one tried to say anything interesting. They said very simple things, something cliche, something you would expect to be said because they all say it. And they all preferred it that way. I was going to this group therapy for a year. And I got it! I actually got it. I think I even felt it. So I kept watching like I always did, but this time I knew what to look for. I was assessing people's feelings. Trying to understand what is the topic of the conversation. Keeping myself to that topic. Listening more. Mirroring their feelings. Saying simple things. After that, friendships and relationships became easier. Although I still struggled to keep them, and every time I moved country, I didn't keep in touch with the friends I made.

So now, I am almost normal... It just took me extra three decades to become like this, compared to everyone else... They knew it from childhood. And I started getting it only towards my thirties. I didn't think this was because of autism, I didn't know much about autism then. I just thought I was socially dumb and insensitive.

I struggle. I am probably depressed. Most of my life is wasted. So many wrong choices made. My current relationship among them. It got so bad a couple of years ago, that I became determined to find out what is wrong with me. Why am I so socially stupid, why I don't feel like I'm at home anywhere I go? I researched a number of various disorders. Then I saw that TED talk about Aspergers in girls. It clicked. I checked the list of symptoms for aspie girls. About 80% applied. Strangely enough, it got me excited. It looked like the answer to my problems. Or at least a starting point, from which I could go and find a solution.

But at the moment I feel a bit stuck with this. I think maybe I should get a proper diagnosis and talk to a psychologist. On the other hand I am postponing it as much as I can, because I am afraid that the psychologist will say I am normal. This could happen, because I am now indeed almost normal, thanks to what I've learned, thanks to how I can pretend. Or, this could happen, because my current country doesn't really have therapists who specialise in adult autism. I know they picked up on children's autism recently, but no one talks about adult autism here.

And I don't really understand, why am I so afraid of not getting diagnosed. After all, I am not sure myself... Maybe I AM normal, afer all. But if I am, then why? Why all of this, why?

As a child I struggled with social interaction and sensory issues, to the point of distress at times. Until the age of 10 I was chronically underweight as I avoided food mainly due to strong dislike of various textures. I was raised by my elderly grandparents who took my to the local GP a number of times but in those days there was little understanding of many of the disorders including ASD that are now better understood.

I felt alone and different. However, I did form friendships with a small number of children at school and this set me on a course of practicing social skills and behaviour in order to fit in. It took a long time but I by my late 20's I could get by though it took another 30 years before I could feel reasonably comfortable in social situations.

I gravitated towards health care, initially interested in the technical and scientific aspects of this but found that the necessary contact with others further speeded up the above process. I became interested in other people, finding their behaviour fascinating - but often felt like an observer, someone who didnt belong.

I had a string of unsuccessful relationships which included two failed marriages. The positive here was two daughters - who have been the constants in my life, and now have children of their own.

Having worked with people with ASD I realised many years ago that I was on the spectrum - in fact my second wife would often say, usually after some conflict relating to various aspects of my 'obsessional' and repetitive behaviour that I was definitely Autistic.

However I avoided any kind of diagnosis at all costs and wouldnt even discuss the possibility. Why? I now know it was the fear of being told I wasnt Autistic. If I wasn't then why was I different? Was I ill? Did I have some deeply routed personality problem? Did I have no diagnosable issue and if so where did that leave me? The prospect of being left in a position of such uncertainty frightened me so I avoided it.

Fast forward to two years ago as I approached my 60th birthday and at the start of a new relationship I decided to get a grip on the issue. My new partner, who had been previously married to someone with Aspergers asked me why I hadnt been diagnosed. I was quite shocked - was it so obvious? She said that it wasnt obvious at all, but it was to her.

I decided to go through the diagnostic process. I did this privately due to the long NHS waiting list. I wasnt worried about the process but I was very worried about the outcome - what if I didnt have Autism? Where would that leave me?

In any event I went ahead. The Psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis at the end of the process said that I had developed refined masking strategies and coping mechanisms but the clinical team had no doubt at all about my diagnosis. At my request the report and confirmation was sent to my GP and placed on my NHS file - not that I needed any action to be taken, but I just wanted it on record.

This process brought me a measure of peace and calm that I find hard to describe. It helped frame a narrative with my family that means they understand why I sometimes have to wear earplugs when the grandchildren are visiting or need to take myself away from people at times plus all the other eccentricities that are obvious. We now all have a common understanding.

I dont discuss it at work because I dont need to. I feel that I am good at my job and my colleagues respect what I do and value my opinion and co-working with me. A number comment in a light hearted way that I am definitely on the spectrum - but then, I believe a number of them are too!

Had I not been diagnosed then I would have just had to continue figuring out what was at the core of my actual and perceived difference, thats all - it wouldnt have been the end of the world. I see that now.

My understanding is that ASD is not the only explanation for some of the symptoms. It would take a professional to figure out the correct diagnosis.

For instance, my understanding is that the symptoms at the stronger end of ADHD substantially overlap with the lower end of ASD.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Good luck on pursuing a diagnosis, that is if that is your goal.

A little over two years ago at around the age of 70, I came across a discussion about Asperger's Syndrome. And as I dug deeper I realized, that is ME. I thought I was the only one in the world like this, so it was quite a shock. So I did a little self analysis and put my thoughts down on paper and it became a 115 page book. So in the end I positively knew I was an Aspie.

In general, I tend towards using the term Aspie rather than Autistic because Autism carries a disability connotation. Whereas Aspie in my opinion does not. And I do not consider myself to be disabled but rather quite the opposite. I am not disabled just different with a slightly different brain structure with more interconnecting wiring. Besides there is very little difference between being a High Functioning Autistic (Level 1) and being an Aspie. The vast majority of people on the autistic spectrum are Level 1's. which means the person may be able to live a relatively independent life with minimal support. It is the Level 2's and Level 3's that need the most help.

Looking back over my life, I suspect that if I had been diagnosed with autism at an early age, I would have never accomplished many of the things that I have over my lifetime. I would have walked around with a disabled sign stamped into my forehead. And many doors and opportunities would have disappeared before my eyes. The world is too quick at judging people or maybe the proper term is "misjudging". Anyways at age 72 I am happy, happy with the way my life turned out. And knowing I am an Aspie fills in many voids.

Now I am going to switch subjects here and make a book recommendation. Try and track down a book called "In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter A. Levine. It might be of help. This book explains STRESS. Aspies are subjected to quite a bit more stress over their lifetimes than the average person. Stress unless it can be vented builds up over time and transform into distress. Some examples of distress are anxiety, depression and a variety of psychological disorders.