Our Experience of Death of Those Close to Us

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I was wondering how different people here have dealt with the death of someone close to them. I personally only had grandparents die after long illnesses which did not seem to move me emotionally that much.

When my mom almost died of a brain aneurysm, I was far more emotional. I was pretty even keeled focusing on getting home when my family first called me but broke down on the plane. (I was studying in Europe at the time and the rest of my immediate family all lives relatively close to each other in Canada.) I wrote four blog posts on the experience before I was diagnosed or knew I was autistic / Aspie. 1 2 3 4

Now, I'm being asked to help out someone on the spectrum who has trouble processing a family death and want to know others' experiences or blog posts by people on the spectrum about this.

I call them my "Numb years" as I went emotionally numb. 43 seperate funerals of close family friends or family or relatives. All aunts and uncles, my dad, my grandmother, a neighbour six days after my dad... When I reached funeral 43 I found I could not go to anothet funeral, so I missed number 44 onwards, which happened to be my old boss. He is buried near my dad and grandmother and also near a friend of mine.
Is odd having them all buried near each other.

It was also during difficult times for me and family (Mum, me and youngest brother), but I won't go into it. We also saw miracles.

Any death of anyone close to me makes me sad. I particularly miss my mother and paternal grandmother.

I know when my father and a beloved friend of the family pass, I will be very sad.

I am also afraid of what might happen if I find myself all alone. Can I maintain the independence I have worked so hard to achieve?

I'm really dreading the day that my mum passes away. Her health isn't quite what it used to be.

My mother had AS too, and was the classic "cold mother" so I never bonded with either parent. When I was in Gr.9, a classmate died in a car, and people were looking at me to see how I was taking it. I thought that they were giving the lie to all they had been saying about Heaven being nice to go to. I have since understood that grieving is mostly about the folks left behind not being able to maintain a relationship. There must have been a lot of faking, because the guy had been a real PITA.
When my father died suddenly, I got the news on the 'phone, and returned to finish the song I'd been singing in a group. I'd visited him recently, and although he had invited me back, it didn't feel like anything was unsaid.
Shortly before my mother died, when quite ill, she asked me why I'd left home, and learned for the first time that it had not been my choice. She said that dad would have changed his mind if asked. I asked her how old she had been the last time she changed her mind about anything, and she rang off with "Don't call me, I'll call you." I had recently discovered our AS, but I doubt that she would have talked about it. I then had a year of chaos, but if more than 10% of it had to do with her passing, it was her being a clumsy ghost.

When my grandparents dropped dead a couple of years ago, they were about 90. Pretty old. They were nice but I didn't grieve because not close.

2015 mom dropped dead, six months coma, 66 years old. And I almost had to take care of her

Same time, my old man got stage 4 colon cancer diagnosis. Until November 2019, he looked the same as before. Then he fell down in the bathroom. The last two weeks of his life, I had to be his slave. He had the nerve to wake me up for the most lame reasons.

Stress, bacteria, sleep deprivation, eating badly,l. House crowded too much, with too many bozos

January he dropped dead

No emotional attachment

But worried about $$$

But whatever

i've heard that autistic people can experience grief in a way that seems different from the norm but from what i've experienced, grief is still just as apparent if you actually know the person. i'm not sure if processing death is any different from normal human variation either.
when i think about it, most humans prefer to have some kind of physical/tangible outlet to help them experience their grief. socially acceptable mortuary rituals are the most common but maybe autistic people don't need the social acceptance part as much.