Hello! my name is Tyler I’m 25 and this is my first post. A little about me is accompanied along with recent hurdles, so feel free to overlook and advance to the end, but this is my first time expressing aloud to invisible faces what I believe to be an involved conflicting past. As a child I was early-on diagnosed with a few disorders; including: ADHD, Aspergers. Unfortunately, my mother being a single parent with three children and no job security at the time, we had little to no income. In order to continue assessing and implementing medications you need financial support. So it was abandoned and locked away. Over the years its developed into me trying my best to adapt, I never understood when I was young why I wasn’t able to communicate with my mother, why I felt so awkward and judged among peers, she scared me, but was also all I had. She was very harsh and did not tolerate tantrums and would typically rebuke with her own, too bad for me they weren’t always voluntary. But she unconsciously insisted I was a disturbance of her life and made it very clear, so I “disappeared” she took me to my aunt who was running a foster care at the time and told me she would be back to get me in a few days, I didn’t see her for 3 years after that moment, turns out she was getting her a second chance. Held no grudge but was severely confused. All of this extreme overwhelming shyness, guilt and unwelcoming presence to humans that keeps me isolated in my mind and now I’m met with the terror of abandonment from the only person in my life who made it make a little sense. Now having to start over in a new overcrowded home of social neglect and violent practices. I became more and more embarrassed as an individual, made me feel opposed and unwanted as if I wore a sign saying freak. I just didn’t know what it meant to be me, what it’s like for this to be free from my mind, to be a child, to express love, to feel it. This last year I was seeking help at a local “free” mental health clinic who was screening me for what they believed was a form of functioning autism. I stopped attending because the dates in between visits were becoming outrageous and the staff were very unwelcoming (for instance talking about you as if you weren’t there or don’t comprehend, on cellphones holding conversations) I was 5 minutes late to an appointment and it got rescheduled 3 weeks... them finding a solution had became unreal to me... Anyways, I found employment who would offer me in 90 days; insurance. So I tried to formulate a long term plan once again in order to take steps, I told myself I’ll work and I’ll gain insurance then find a reputable therapist, psychologist w/e. Well here we are 4 months later, no insurance that was promised and I’ve been let go. This is becoming incredibly hard on my own. I’ve been through around 25 jobs. I just want help in order to do things for myself such as obtaining an education, career. I want success, but what do you do in my circumstances? I’ve applied for Medicaid but it just seems like this process is time worthy and that is detrimental to someone like me. I hate it in here sometimes, and I just want someone to prove to me it’s possible to live for me and we’re going to figure it out. Recently I’ve been coping by spending many hours on these forums. I haven’t participated until now but I sure have shed a lot of tears knowing I’m not alone, obtaining a sense of welcome from earth for once it helps me ease off the labels. when I see that there are others, there’s a very dim but visible slither of understanding. I apologize for ranting but I’m taking this sincerely, the question is though, from a professional or experienced standpoint, how does one take control of this as an adult with limited resources and support?
30 Mar 2020, 5:52 pm
