mental illness

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ah yes, nothing quite like the feeling of clinical psychosis slowly eating away at the core of my sanity. I just turned 24 last week and I feeling like I'm going on 50. Emotionally I feel like a freakin 12 year old. I can recall the days where I was naive to the plague of humanity and what They are capable of. Ignorance is bliss, but the smile was slapped off my face years ago. Giving way to a plethora of emotional issues from trying to adjust and evolve at the pace of this cesspool we call society. My entire body is covered with scars of self-mutilation from my futile attempts at coping with this burden called life. I can no longer get out of bed and function without the help of a handfull of medications. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, you name it, I'm on it. How easy is it to not go insane from trying to adapt and conform to what we are told we should be, how we should act, and how to communicate by NTs "standards". Now the only emotion I feel day in and day out is hate and anger. But its too late to go back to my old self, whatever the f**k that was.
Thoughts of homicide, suicide, rape, mutilation, all plague my mind at any given moment. Fueled by years of misunderstanding, emotional and sexual abuse as a child, alienation, and a void I can't even begin to describe.
This emotional connection with others is almost a necessity to develop properly, without it we are dead inside.
I only wish it was as easy as AS.

nihilist_void

I'm reading, I acknowledge your existance and your pain.

I can't relate to it at all or imagine what it must be like for you.

Have you ever read any Nietzsche (sounds like Neetskee) philosophy. I think he was one of the guys who thought that deep suffering was good for you and your quality or intensity of thought. I guess if you're into nihilism, you might have.

So, if you could do anything (legal) no matter what the cost or the safety risk, what would you like to do? If you decided not to conform to social expectations at all - what would happen?

If you could create an environment that was safe and supportive for you - while you get your head together - what would it be like? Do you think this place might exist somewhere on the planet?

Feel free to ignore this if you want.

Sorry that life is getting you down. It sucks having to keep yourself in control all the time even though you feel like a volcano about to explode. I urge you not to do anything rash though, and not to act out on whatever impulses you may have.

Can you tell us what exactly it is that's troubling you right now? I imagine the cause of your depression can't be put down to any one thing, so maybe you could describe your current circumstances?

I think it would help you if you realised that having an emotional connection with someone isn't necessarily all that there is to life. I'm thinking that since you seem to crave emotional connection, it's something that you perceive to be desirable - which it is. But there's other things that people value in life: their occupation, beneficence (doing good deeds), knowledge, and more. Aren't any of these things also important to you?

I'm thinking that since you're an Aspie, emotional connection isn't your strong point. That's ok. Your strengths lie in other areas. Wouldn't it be best then, to focus on your strengths rather than your weaknesses? If you're not good at forming relationships, then so be it. You don't have to be a whiz at interpersonal relations to be a decent human being. You can focus on those other things you value in life, like doing good deeds and putting your energy into your work. What is your occupation? Do you find satisfaction in it? If not, maybe you should consider a change in career. If that's not an option, maybe you could take up some volunteer work. How well do you relate with your family and friends? You might feel better about yourself if you can turn things around for the better with what relationships you have, rather than focussing on building new relationships.

There's many things you can do to try and get yourself feeling valuable again. You've just got to let go of this idea that your self-worth is built upon your ability to make relationships. It's not productive. That's not your strength - you know this because you have AS. So find your own sense of worth, based on your strengths. That's what a nihilist does, right? There's no objective way of measuring a person's self-worth - you must come up with your own.

Sorry if this is all seems a bit simplistic or idealistic. I know how hard it must be for you, and I know that anything that anyone says here is going to seem naive and insufficient.

Slighty off topic, but Nietzche was fairly critical of Nihilism. This is not to say Nietzche is not Nihilistic.

Xuincherguixe

You're right about that. I think he's associated with nihilism for criticising/opposing it.

He sure was into suffering though mostly not self inflicted.

It is not necessary to live as a social conformist, being a hermit is ok too.

It sounds like you are at a very low place in your life. You are right, an emotional connection to someone else makes one feel like they exist in the universe and makes everything else seem a lot more stable. I'm very, very sorry that you didn't find that in the people who surround you. It seems like many people have disappointed you in different ways. I just want to give you some hope that you will find a connection somewhere, some day. Until then, please take care of yourself and don't repeat the patterns of the relationships that are plaguing you. If you can figure those out, you will be able to move on to bigger and better things for yourself.

I probably sound like some kind of quack to you right now, but I swear that it is true!! !

I'm not even sure what to say, but I tend to feel similarly. The world is a very cold place, and there is not much we can do all by ourselves to change that. The establishments are not that accepting of people whom are seen as different, nor are they going to provide any real help to you in your life, but there is something that you do have that may force the establishment to do just that... you have a diagnosis.

So, just cheat the system. If you want a job, go to a DVR or supported employment office. If you want money, then apply for SSI or some sort of disability insurane. You have a diagnosis, and if things aren't working out for you, then you can use your diagnosis as an excuse. That's how the system will see you, for the most part, maybe not those whom are working with you, but a lot of people are going to think you're nothing but a spoiled brat. Why? Because many people are, simply, bastards, and they don't like to lift a finger for anyone else, because they're too self-centered.

The fact of the matter is, that in our current establishment, people are basically left to fend for themselves. I can understand why a person can easily kill a lot of people. I just don't act on these sorts of impulses, and neither should you, because you could get in serious trouble. So, just be the most sickening bastard you can be in other ways. Just cheat the system, because the system is not worth supporting in the first place. Hell, a lot of NTs cheat the system and b***h about it, too, so you and I aren't alone on this.

And, if someone calls you a spoiled brat or says you're just using your dx as an excuse, just tell them: "Why don't you go to hell? Your life means nothing, and parting isn't such sweet sorrow!"

- Ray M -

I can relate 15yrs. old going on to 16 soon but emotionally I feel like A 4yr. old Suicidal and murderious thoughts when being upset arises some times I think I am emotional abused also I am on anti-depressent croud

The early 40's were tough on me could not get things to fit right besides the autism that I learned to have.The IQ tests that have taken were not high may be between 65 to 75.