Have you ever put a rude NT in their place?

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As you all know, the struggle of our whole existence is being blindsided by our unintentionally rude or weird behaviour, often to the point where an NT person will behave in an intentionally rude manner towards us.

The former is a lack of emotional intelligence; the latter is a lack of emotional maturity.

With that in mind: have you ever reacted to some condescending / snarky / abrasive / inappropriate remark by an NT, to the point where they were contrite about it (in a sincere way)? Just responding something like "Well, I was hoping we could deal with this in a more mature and constructive way - if I made an honest error and misinterpreted something earlier, it wasn't due to having the wrong attitude or being deliberately difficult."

I've used this approach, or variants thereof, in the past and more than once the other person said "yes, you're right, I'm sorry" and we form a more constructive approach ongoing - at least I got them to express contrition. Although, I can't recall doing this with some of the NT's "entourage" or what-have-you being present - as you know, NTs being a "we-oriented" people, are really averse to public criticism. They may do the opposite, being compelled to over-assert some perverse dominance with onlookers present, and be less contrite and even more abrasive. Almost like they're going into a "fight or flight mode", as it were. It's hypocritical, yes - *they* need to save face, but they rationalize (or "brashionalize") that your face-saving is dispensable because you're a "deemed less-than".

Occasionally, when giving one of these "take the high road" responses to patronizing criticism or deliberately rude behaviour from an NT, I have gotten more curtness or abrasiveness (e.g. "well I'm a patient person, but sometimes you make simple things complicated [and yet you're so smart]" or "well, I'm not the only one who sees this about you, others have said that you sometimes don't 'get' obvious things or it's like you're in your own bubble"). In that case, I feel it's best to calmly re-assert the gist of your message, e.g. "I can understand that some people might think that, and I've noticed that too (showing you're not completely oblivious) - and it's not because I'm ignorant, it's because I have high standards for things making sense. I get people asking ME about things that I think are obvious all the time, but I don't hold it against them, because I believe they likely have a legitimate reason and they're not doing it just to agitate me."

It sounds counter-intuitive somewhat to our way of thinking, but sometimes you have to put a bit of a spin on what you say to make it sound like the other person is blowing things out of proportion and plant the seeds of doubt in their mind, similar to the tactics that a narcissist might use

Do not try to fight the lion if you are not one yourself.  Rude people are their own worst enemy; sooner or later, they fall into traps of their own making, and then wonder why no one will help them get out.  It is even more of a shock to them (and more satisfying for you) if you have helped them build their trap.

I put rude nts in their placres pretty often. I am no longer able to tolerate them all the time. I don't do it in a rude way though but I explain to them in detail why what they are doing or saying is rude, ignorant, arrogant, and destructive. Taking the "I will educate and enlighten them" approach has worked most of the time for me. Most of them are grateful because they really were just ignorant. The few that are not grateful and who defend their position risk getting a thorough lashing out from me if I have no tolerance during that particular moment.

I guess the sole exception is if the antagonist is (was) your boss at work, then you have greater cause to hold your tongue. Or you have to be much less direct, saying something like "Oh! I was not expecting _that_ reply. What outcome are you looking for from that?" with a rueful look & tone. (Of course, they may retort harshly with "Just be normal already!!" or "Just DO IT [properly] already!!")

Bosses at work can be tricky. But I have educated and enlightened quite a few of them. If you are an excellent employee they tend to listen.

Yes, in fact I had to put an extremely troublesome NT in their place today. They have been stomping around the place in a bullish mood for days. They started to kick off and I absolutely told them in no uncertain terms that they need to learn to communicate their needs, manage their anger and that the problem is with them. Tomorrow I'll be giving her the sack.

I hope that helps your office environment; I also hope this person, or people, can find a job. How many rude people are we talking about here? You say they and then you say her.

I think my obliviousness usually squashes most attempts at condescension. Sometimes people explain it to me later. Some examples of my accidental burns:

NT: "Young woman, where did you learn how to row a boat?"
Me: "I don't know. I wasn't old enough to remember. Where did you learn how to row a boat?"

NT: "Your chucks are too clean..."
Me: "Thank you! I found them new at Good Will for only $5!"

NT kid: "You're ret*d."
kid Me: "What's 'ret*d'?"
NT kid: "Well... It means you're smart."
kid Me: "Oh. I guess you're a lot more ret*d than I am"

These are the only ones I can think of for now.

One person, female. She's packing her stuff and leaving today. She's a temporary worker, her agency will find her a new assignment elsewhere.

I've definitely tried plenty of times, but am not sure if I've succeeded or not...

Some people are offended by the word "Wingnut" -- a temporary fastener that is easily installed, easily removed, and easily replaced -- as a label for temporary workers.  I find it less offensive than "Slacker" or "Loser", but I'm careful to never use any of those terms around temps.

Is it just me?

I keep reading this as "Nude NT".

Dr. Freud ... paging Dr. Freud ... you are wanted in General Autism ... paging Dr. Freud ...

A “wingnut,” to me, is an obnoxiously right-wing person.

I guess the meaning has expanded recently. Language is a dynamic thing.

Alarm bells started ringing soon after she arrived when she started announcing how good she was at the job and how bad others are. If anything needed resolving she would run off and talk about people rather than being direct.

While she was here I learnt not to respond to her petty dramas, when she piped up with her nonsense I'd act as if I hadn't heard, raise an eyebrow and get her to repeat herself in the vain hope that she would hear how ridiculous her complaints were.

She got louder, bossier and in the end overstepped the mark and blew her top about something completely trivial.

Decompression feels sublime, it is so much easier to function without her dominating the space.

I think I've managed it a few times, being a somewhat headstrong and proud sort of chap, though I can't recall getting much contrition out of them.

I've bragged once before on this forum about the time I cut a middle-management type down to size with the simple threat "don't start." Bullies really are often cowards and have been known to back down when you unexpectedly stand up to them.

Asking questions seems to dampen the ardour of many verbal bullies and jerks. I don't do it to consciously knock them off their perch, as a rule, it's more like I find it hard to stay aware that questions can come over as aggressive - to me, if a person is sincere and reasonably intelligent, they've nothing to fear, and they can simply answer me. I don't normally ask "loaded" questions that insinuate anything, I try to make my questions fair and straight. So I might say "what's your point?" or "how do you know?" and it's a kind of touchstone, if they're not pulling a fast one they'll welcome the chance to explain, and if they are pulling a fast one then they'll likely feel threatened.

Similarly, I can't seem to limit my bluntness as much as some folks would like me to, and so I'll often come straight out with a comment that they didn't think the rules allowed. In spite of the way they make a sport of hurting people's feelings, bullies and jerks often depend on their victims to obey certain social rules and to play the bully's game. I don't understand the rules very well, and when I do, if there's any conflict in the air then I'm mindful that it's probably wise to refuse to play the opponent's game.

I'll often wade into a verbal fight that's going on between others, without seeing it as a fight but as an interesting discussion, and somehow end up taking the gun off the aggressor. Usually I sense there's been a bit of bullying going on in the first place, but I try to approach the thing as if it were just a polite discussion. I'm not easily ruffled, and I suspect responding calmly but firmly is useful, not only in smoothing out a situation that's been getting hostile, but also as something of a put-down to more aggressive people.

I won't do this again, but when I was in my early 30s I had an altercation with a motorist who started yelling at me for not stepping aside for him quickly enough for his liking. It's debatable who was in the wrong, but there was no need for him to be so nasty about it. I argued back, and he just got louder and yelled more, until I yelled "oh shut up" louder than he was yelling, which seemed to shock him into silence, though he was clearly fuming. Then I walked in front of his car - it was on a steep hill going up - and he was crashing his gears, furious that I was blocking his way but he didn't dare start it up and drive into me. I was getting rather worried in case he got out and beat me up for yanking his chain so blatantly, but he didn't, and I got away with it. It was a stupid thing to do, but I was lucky enough to win, so I can't say I regret it. Better than just absorbing his abuse, as it turned out.