Hello, I am not sure if these are common symptoms of Autism or if I am just overthinking it. Basically, I have been wondering if I have ASD for a while now, and I relate to a lot of the symptoms. But I do not want to be a bother with my family or my doctor, and I don't like the idea of self-diagnosing.
So, the first thing I've noticed is I hear a lot about stimming in Autistic people. I think I stim, like beyond what a neurotypical person does. When I get something sticky on me, I find myself flapping my hands (to the point where my family kinda makes fun of me for it, but something about the movement makes me feel better until I can actually go and wash my hands). When I am stressed, I have to make an effort not to rock back and forth, pick my lip, or pick/scratch at my arms (not too severely tbh, it isn't exactly a self-harming thing). I also will pick up on a significant word/phrase in a conversation when I am upset, and then repeatedly scrawl it on my thigh (like "stupid, stupid, stupid," over and over again). When I am happy, I find myself skipping like a little kid, or making random noises (lately it has been "meh!"). I try to tone it down around other people.
Sudden loud noises also freak me out. I HATE it when balloons pop! I usually just cringe so that nobody notices my discomfort, but I was hanging out with my friends recently and accidentally got drunk (I don't usually drink because I dislike being inebriated). One friend of mine was extremely drunk, had balloons, and was popping them, and I vaguely remember covering my ears. Eventually, I couldn't stand it and I left the room entirely to go to bed. I didn't think it was that noticeable, but my friends asked if I was "triggered" the next day, so I guess it was.
I develop obsessions with things, like certain video games. For instance, I was obsessed with the Elder Scrolls universe for a while (about a year, I think). I memorized the lore, specifically the mythology and pantheons. I read stories and theories almost every day, and would talk to my friends about it. I do that to people sometimes. I just talk about a certain topic, and then do not realize that I have already beaten the topic to death. I just fall in love with something so much that it is all I want to discuss, although I try not to be annoying.
I have things I have to do every day or I get this tight pressure in my chest. For instance, I used to take time out of my day to walk around in circles for about an hour in my bedroom. I'd listen to my favorite song (whatever it was at the time), scuff my feet on my carpet, and throw my favorite marble back and forth between my hands. Now, I go on 1-2 hour long drives listening to my favorite music on repeat (which probably isn't smart considering the cost of gas). When I was younger, I used to walk in circles at recess, just thinking and sort of playing out scenes in my head, but then someone asked me why I was doing that and I figured out it was a little weird. So, I stopped.
Also, I had a hard time making friends, and it turned out the guy I thought was my friend actually made fun of me (I found that out two years later, after he started avoiding me and then outright saying that I reminded him of this kid who was cognitively-impaired and schizophrenic, and had to transfer to a different school). It hurt, because I am actually pretty book-smart. I get straight A's and earned my Associate's when I was seventeen, but I just am so socially-awkward and it makes it worse when people point it out.
My parents worry about me (I am nineteen now, and female if that matters at all), because I just prefer to be alone in general. I have like two friends, but that's all I need. When I was three, my parents thought I had something wrong with me, but my doctor at the time said I'd probably grow out of it. I didn't. I still prefer solitude. Furthermore, social situations confuse and stress me out. Eye-contact is hard. I do not know how to do small-talk, and so conversations with people are usually filled with awkward silences. Work and school stresses me out, because I have to talk to so many people in these superficial ways that rely on social niceties and subtleties that I just don't get. Also, I do not understand sarcasm unless it is really thick, and I found out that I cannot "read" faces well (for instance, in my high school drama class, I had to make a scrapbook with certain expressions, and I would label the expressions as one way only for the rest of my family to say that these people were apparently feeling something else).
I'm scared of not functioning as an adult. I do well in rigid environments, but that is it. It is kind of embarrassing, but my mom still has to help me out. I have a hard time telling when I am hungry or tired, and will often forget to eat. Also, my mom doesn't judge me and just accepts my quirks. My dad jokes that I have a "left-handed brain" (I am left-handed, so every time I do something oddly he just attributes it to that for some reason), but has called me "ret*d" a couple of times. Usually if my dad says I have a "left-handed brain," it is because I am struggling with something that requires fine-motor skills, like using scissors or throwing a ball (I also have awful handwriting, to the point that when I was younger, teachers would point it out). I have terrible fine-motor skills, but am actually quite good at weight-lifting and martial arts.
Finally, I have a hard time regulating my emotions. I'm not violent or anything, but I cry so easily. I cry when stressed, scared, angry, happy, or laughing. When I am upset, my emotions build up until I feel like I am going to explode. I want to punch something, slam doors, stomp my feet, and scream. I remember I was applying for a MFA program (I just got my Bachelors in English this past month!!), and I accidentally left it until the last minute because I lose track of time so easily. Our printer had stopped working, and I had to mail in my transcript before noon (the post-office would close by then). I logically knew I had done it to myself, had shot myself in the foot really, but it didn't matter. I got this hot, tight feeling in my chest and the next thing I knew I was hyperventilating and yelling. I didn't realize how loud I was until my brother came upstairs and asked if I was hurt. I have these outbursts sometimes that feel so hard to control, like I am just spiraling, and I always feel ashamed afterwards. I'm way too old to have a stupid breakdown over something like a printer, but that wasn't the first or last time something like that had happened.
Sorry that this is so long. Also, sorry for any grammar mistakes. I just need to get this off my chest, and I am sick of feeling like this. I don't want to self-diagnose, because I am most certainly not a professional, but I do not know if it is worth it to talk about it with my doctor.
28 Jun 2020, 3:16 pm
