Asperger's and People Pleasing

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Is it common for Aspies to be pushovers or people pleasers? Is it hard for them to say no? I have a hard time saying no, but I have gotten better at it. I have given countless money to strangers and have gotten myself into situations that I never wanted to be in all because I couldn't say no. I have gone out of my way for others for nothing in return. I have been taken advantage of a number of times. Last year, I gave this panhandler a total of around $1200 in increments. After this incident, I will not give any money to panhandlers or any stranger who comes up to me and asks for money. I think one of the reasons why it is difficult for me to say no is because I don't like conflict or confrontation. I want to get along with everybody and I don't want anyone to be displeased with me. If I had just said no to the panhandler who I gave $1200 to, I could have saved myself all that money and time of dealing with him. I constantly gave this man money for over a week last November until I grew a pair and told him that I am done and want nothing to do with him. I'm not hurting for money now because I have more money in my bank account now than when I first started giving him money. That was one of the most difficult situations that I have ever been in. If I had just told him no the first time, I may have dealt with a little confrontation, but it would have been better than losing all that money and putting up with that guy for a week and a half. By the time I had ended it with him, I was angry at him and at myself. I had never been taken advantage like that. I allowed him to manipulate me, take advantage of me, and harass me. I take this as a lesson and have tried to move on from it, but there is still a part of me that is angry that it happened.

When I have worked, I have been far too much of a people pleaser which has led to burnouts.

Yes, I am a people pleaser, naturally anyway. It was when I realised people were using me for it and pressuring me into giving them tobacco, money and other things that I decided to stop people pleasing, which took me a while to realise, it ended up creating a chain, one person asks for something, then two, then three, then strangers that bullied me at secondary school asking for things later on in life... The whole process of it just became overwhelming and I never got anything in return but ridicule when they thought I could not hear them ridicule me, good job I got suppa dupa hearing and memory!

I do not mind pleasing other people when it is at my own natural will and certainly never did or do expect anything in return, in fact, people pleasing is a vital part of my identity and without this part of identity, I am internally dead, but not when people, in particular past bullies, push it out of proportion, that is just learning from past. I haven't seen people for long enough to know weather I am still a people pleaser, I imagine, pre-cognitively however, that I would get anxious if I did, and begin the people pleasing process again or be a shy outsider.

I'm a big people pleaser, but so are most of my family and they're neurotypicals.

There are various reasons why I am a people pleaser (other than having a kind nature):-

- I like making people feel good about themselves
- People will think of me as a nice person, which boosts my ego
- I like to help people out because I care
- I am hypersensitive to people's thoughts and feelings
- I go by the "treat others how you'd want to be treated" mindset

And I don't expect favours in return.

However, if I know that someone is being manipulative to me, I know to say no.

According to the autism stereotype, I'm supposed to be the opposite to all what I stated above; selfish, oblivious to other people's feelings, and naive.

I'm no people pleaser. I don't even care.

I'm not one of those who are afraid to be afraid, afraid to be embarrassed, afraid to be guilty or afraid to be rejected -- I can be sick of it though, but I won't avoid it and I will always move on.

I'd please people if I feel like it, but if not or if I don't trust them then I don't. It's not even easy to pressure me either.


I'd say the reason why most aspies are pushed overs because most of them are conditioned through fear and confusion.
That the path of sociality is being nice, sensitive and having pretty faces (or being 'cool')

Many don't seem get to understand the underlying prerequisites of 'being nice' and why it is hard.
Other than having a weak social-emotional foundation of a pushover or being bland, open for exploitation.

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I'm not a people pleaser. I live my life the way that I see fit for myself.

I'm glad you put your foot down. It can be a challenge to remain firm when someone tries to change your mind. When I was working as a clerk in a small store, I had someone (who had spent all their money on the bar next door) come over and try and use their driver's license as collateral to get a pack of smokes on credit. They would not take my 'No' as an answer and I finally gave in when they told me they would drive home drunk to get money if I didn't give in. Luckily, there were no bad outcomes, but I was worried about what happened for a while.

If we are lonely, are we more susceptible to people being nice to us because they want something?

I don't know. If I can see that somebody's in pain or distress then I usually want to help put that right if I can think of any way of doing that. I modify my speech a lot to try to avoid suggesting the person I'm talking to is stupid or in any way bad or inferior, even though my first impulse is to just speak my mind bluntly - there's a filtering goes on that alters a lot of that, and I've been applying it so long that I might find it difficult not to filter things in that way, though I often wish I could ignore the filter.

I did notice when I was about 12 years old that I was often putting on some kind of unnatural act to come over as nice when for example I asked a stranger the way. I also noticed that it didn't seem to be doing any good, as if people could see through it, and later on I started to sense that if I or anybody else used that kind of act, that it could easily get seen as an indicator of being a weakling who could be exploited easily and definitely wasn't the type to be treated with respect. At some point I dropped that act, I'm not sure if it was immediately when I was 12 and first felt it to be wrong, or whether it was more gradual.

But one way or another I became more natural and genuine in my dealings with people. So these days, although I'll make quite an effort not to hurt people's feelings, and I quite like easing their discomfort, I'm also very loathe to be at all fake with them. I doubt that people very often see me as an easy target for any tricks or as a willing underdog or skivvy. I value my own comfort and personal gain, and don't willingly sacrifice much for the benefit of others. I help people because I enjoy it and because it makes me feel good about myself, but I always have a feeling that I don't want to take it too far. If I start to sense that somebody is playing me for a fool or taking advantage of me, I soon switch to more defensive measures and shut down any help I might otherwise offer.

I don't try to please people to make myself likeable as such. I try not to be too offensive but I don't usually act nice out of any kind of desperation for friendship. I seem to have a strong sense of dignity in the way I conduct myself, and I think that stops me from coming over as an easy target, I suppose people get the message that I have my share of self-respect and unashamed self-interest. Hope that answers the question.

I'm definitely a people pleaser as well as a pushover. People have told me that I act as a "doormat" so to speak and I always have let people walk all over me. I think they are right because from a young age, I feared conflict as well as making people angry. I too gave money to some stranger who begged me at a gas station when I pulled up to get gas for my car and she said "my husband's truck is out of gas and we aren't from here, would you happen to have maybe $5?" and I recall giving her $10. I thought it would be one of those "pay it forward" things but I'm now 99.9% sure I got scammed. Live and learn, I guess. I'm so sorry about the $1200 though, that's a lot of money.

I've also let people I thought were friends take advantage of me. I'd let them take my stuff (like headphones and things like that, nothing huge luckily) and buy them stuff if we went to the mall like lunches and then if they saw something in the store and gave me the "puppy dog eyes" I'd buy them what they wanted because I felt like they were doing me a favor by spending time with me and I owed them.

Well, if it's giving money and possessions away you're talking about, I've hardly ever done that, and even when I have it's never been "giving till it hurts." There's usually a beggar or two outside the local railway station, asking people for a pound or two, supposedly to make up a shortfall so they can buy a ticket to get home. Others simply sit there asking "can you spare any change?" and then if you walk past they usually say "thank you very much," which I guess is meant to be sarcastic and guilt-tripping, though I really don't know. I suppose I just don't feel that strangers are my responsibility. I just ignore them mostly, or I might just say "sorry mate" if I'm feeling generous. It's not as if I look like I've got any money, and in truth I don't often carry cash these days.

I don't know why but I hardly ever give them anything. Even giving a tip to a waiter (not that I eat out very often at all), I always feel reluctant to do that. I usually do but I always consider not doing. The cost of the food and drink is so much more than it costs in a supermarket that I tend to feel they've already fleeced me enough, and I'm usually only eating there because somebody else wants me to.

If there was something effective and practical I could do to force a redistribution of wealth, I'd probably do it, and happily pay a bit more tax if it was progressive and everybody had to pay it according to how much they had, but apart from voting Labour I don't see that there is a way, and I don't even vote because I live in a safe Labour seat so my vote wouldn't make any difference. I'm hopeless at convincing anybody to support a political movement. People are usually pretty much set in their ways over politics. And I don't think Labour is going to do any serious redistribution anyway. What am I supposed to do, stand for election?

As for directly redistributing my own money to those who need it more, like I say, I don't, usually. I don't trust the people who ask for it are telling me the truth. I don't trust the charities particularly. I do buy most of my clothes from charity shops, and I've been known to put my unwanted clothes and books into charity skips, so I guess that's something. And I'm often generous with my time - if somebody on the Web has a problem that I think I can help them solve, I find it hard not to have a go, and I don't mind spending a lot of time on that, finding the information or the file they seem to be looking for. I give away CDs of the music I record. I perform music for nothing. I was in a music club once, holding weekly sessions to give musicians a chance to showcase their talents. I might put a few coins into a busker's hat because it's hard to see how a busker could be trying to dupe me.

There was a time in my life when a few people - supposedly friends, though I never really liked them very much - were turning up and asking to borrow money. I wore it for a while, but they kept coming back with "sorry I can't pay you back, but if you could just give me a bit more I can pay it all back next week," so I got more and more resistant to it and eventually I flat turned them down and told them why - because they promised to pay me back but never did. I must have given away about £100, but from the start I knew I could afford it at the time so there wasn't really any damage. I couldn't believe the cheek one of the guys had, he would turn up on the pretext of it being a social visit, sit about with nothing to say and no questions about me, and pop the question about lending him some money after what he must have felt was a "decent interval," then he'd be off within a few minutes of getting the money. He never visited again after I'd turned him down that time. Eventually you get to spot it when they're lying. I was pretty sure he was going to break his promises from the start, but I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for a while, and I think I was a bit embarrassed about saying no, though if I'd not been able to afford to lose the money I'd never have parted with it.

I have personally no problems saying no, and I'm not a people pleaser. I never give to beggars, if I'm gonna donate anything it will go to an organization I agree with, and it will benefit animals.
Guilt tripping me is about as efficient as emptying an ocean with a spoon.

When I was a child I was a people pleaser. I was really naïve and afraid of people, so I just did what I was told. I was more of a people pleaser at school or when visiting other people, at home I was more defiant and stubborn. As I got older I grew out of people pleasing, by college I was able to draw healthy boundaries and say "no" to things I didn't want to do and created compromises when needed. The only time I feel like I need to please people currently is when I am at work or networking as I have to try hard to hide my autism and come across as easy-going.