Adult Diagnosis Hope

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Hi

My wife is neurotypical and I've been recently diagnosed as high functioning and I'm looking for hopeful advice. We both have been reading through lots of threads, here other places but they seem to say my wife just needs to suck it up and do the heavy lifting in the relationship. We have been having issues for years and though this diagnosis helps put a reason behind some of our issues, we are looking light at the end of the tunnel sort of advice.

I'm in the same boat, and I wish I had some light at the end of the tunnel advice for you, but I don't. My NT wife has been an absolute saint for 20 years in putting up with me. During the really rough times she's talked about us splitting up, but I always manage to talk her down. We're currently seeing a marriage counselor which has helped some, but we (I) am still having problems in our relationship. We're in the midst of a 4 month last-ditch effort to save our marriage, and at the end of the 4 month period, if I haven't gotten my act together at least to some degree, we'll be going our separate ways. Wish I had some miracle cure to offer you Johnny, but I don't. Maybe someone else here on WP does have something that will help us both. I feel for you.

Your wife does not need to "suck it up." Both of you just need to understand where the difference in the same expression are. Being autistic does not make you an absolute other. You are still human and share more in common with your wife than differences. Simply not reacting and jumping to conclusions is helpful. Understanding and compassion in a reciprocal relationship can go a long way. Just as your wife needs to understand the cognitive differences, so do you. There must be more to your relationship that kept you together--I am sure she did not marry because there was nothing else to do that weekend, out of spite, or on a dare.

I have been happily married for over 25 years and, more importantly, so has my wife! (And my diagnosis was also a positive change in the relationship as it not only explained a great deal, but also gave remedies.)

Who ends up doing the most work to fix the relationship depends on your specific marital problems.

If the problem is, for example, misunderstandings caused by the wife reading into everything you say, then, yes, she will be doing most of the work because there's no practical way for you to start speaking with all the layers of implicit meaning non-autistic people tend to use, but it is practical for her to start taking what you say at face value.

If the problem is, for another example, you all but ignoring her due to excessive indulgence in your interests, then it's probably you who would be doing most of the work.

Overall, I think that a DX should improve your relationship. Now you don't have to keep trying to change things that are a matter of aptitude, not persistence. That leaves more time for the stuff that does work.

NT's can and do have the odd trait themselves. I say this because sometimes those on the spectrum assume that NT's may not grasp certain concepts. They may understand one or two aspects. May not understand all. Actually who can understand what another is or has been going through as we are not able to live in another persons mind... BUT... We can find areas and methods to describe our traits which would help an NT understand. We can then build on this as we learn.
You are still learning. Your wife is too. The more you both learn about each other, the more understanding you get, and the easier it will get in time.
Though there have been past dissagreements, to now know why is something precious, as you can move to stage two and that is to understand and find common ground solutions.

The other day I was trying to describe the panic I feel when I am in a partial shutdown and I am heading towards a full shutdown. In a partial shutdown...(And this is why it took me years and years to work them out. Only last year to this year did I fully start to grasp what has been happening and that they are called shutdowns) In a partial shutdown, sometimes they are caused by stress overload so I will be stressed to begin with. Other times they will be caused by sensory overload where I may or may not be stressed. I can have a partial shutdown and be perfectly calm. So calm I only notice I am in one when I see the effects and then realize I have been in one for a little while!
But if I am not able to deal with it, and it deepens, there is an inbuilt panic that I need to find a suitable place to lie down so I can recover as the majority of time I have a full shutdown is because I am in an unsuitable enviroment to cope... (Which is kind of a double whammy!), or an unsuitable enviroment because I am exposed to something that I am sensitive to (Sensory issues)..
Now if I realize I can't prevent a full on shutdown, and I can feel one coming, I normally start to panic as I have o ne.
I was trying to describe this panic and why I panic to my Mum.
Now she was trying to give examples which relate best to describe my experience... She said something which was spot on. It is like feeling sick, knowing one is going to throw up, and the panic one feels just before, especially if one is in an unsuitable place and one does not have time to rush to the bathroom! Yes! It is that sort of panicky feeling when I am in the deeper end of a partial shutdown and I am heading towards a shutdown.

Now this proves that people who may not have experienced what I experience can think of experiences which relate to help them understand. Finding these similarities to use as examples is not easy, but given time, one can eventually describe some of the traits one experiences which can help your opposite half relate and adjust to accomodate her needs. (You may also learn things which will help understand her as NT's have issues and feelings too!)

The first step you already have. Knowing why the problems exist. Is simply different ways of thinking. (As a couple, this can be a major advantage as well, as where you are weak she will be strong, and where she is weak you will be strong, and if you come together in unity to cover each others weaknesses and promote each others strengths, you will be such a force that you two will have the potential to achieve things that few married couples would dream of doing or achieving!

My Mum and Dad were very different, but when they came together in unity, wow! No one could stop them, and as a child I saw this in action. (I also saw the few times their differences caused issues but love wins over and covers all. Never let go of love. Keep it safe and protect it! Guard it with your life as is what keeps you two together!)

What I am trying to say is that you now have the first step to something great. Building steps takes patience and love. Keep going. You are gaining height with every step you go!

So don't see differences as a negative. Share each others differences and learn to value them and accomodate them, as getting this right brings great strength!

Rolls and Royce. One made great cars and the other was a great salesman. Together they took the luxury car market to new heights and became leaders.

So learn each others differences and accomodate them. They bring great strength.