Masking

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I've just been reading some posts on Twitter about masking and how people don't realise this woman is autistic and how exhausting it is to mask.

I don't know whether I mask or not.

My friends kid is a lot like I was at her age. Is hypermedia, verbose, opinionated, dresses how she wants not how girls her age do. And I realised that I've learned to fit in better... I think.

I don't think that's masking. I think I've just added bits to myself and become who I want to be. I'm more tactful and I dress less out there, but I'm still headstrong and have strong opinions. Being around people still stresses me put, but I can make conversation without over thinking it now. I just practiced talking to people and it got easier as I got older.

I never pretend to like things that I don't like just to fit in. Would that be masking? I don't know.

I don't feel like I'm a different person at home to who I am out and about.

One of my friends actually suggested that I try to mask to fit in, though she didn't call it that.

Her suggestion came after someone she knows explained how they put on a front so that they can get along with others.

I was appalled that my friend suggested this. I like being me. I.like what I like. I'm not going to put on a face to please people I'm not really interested in pleasing so that I can make some fake friends. I'd rather be alone thank you.

I do it.

It's doing things like smiling at the appropriate moment even though you don't innately feel that expression, or laughing at humor you don't feel. It's learning how to answer a comment towards you successfully to appear normal after realizing your impulsive, innate responses cause social issues and eventually alienation.

It feels like a job to do this, like you're managing everyone around you and regulating yourself. There's a certain anxiety when you are put on the spot in a fluid, social situation and know you are expected to follow an acceptable pattern of expression, especially anything that has to do with emotional reciprocity.

These strategies will help in navigating school and work, but they break down at friendship. You can't fake yourself to your "friends" for too long.

I mask whenever I’m around people. It’s not really that tiring anymore because I’m used to it. It’s almost second nature.

Part of the reason why I do it is because I really don’t enjoy confrontation and conflict. Many of my opinions are and have always been drastically different from everyone I know, so I tend to just keep them to myself. It’s easier that way.

I got tired of always being told I was wrong all the time, so since from around the time I was 15, I haven’t talked a whole lot. I’m fairly good at keeping up appearances. Most people think I’m shy, sweet, and quiet.

If only they knew.

Yes, you mask, from one point of view...

I mask, and I think there are elements of masking in your behaviors / history you described.

I think there is a deeper point, though, which you've alluded to already, and I'll try to explore a bit more:

We start out a certain way, and we accrete new bits of personality over time. This process is driven by the way we think and behave.

I bet you can recall, as can I, childhood instances where you experienced social judgement /consequences that you couldn't predict ahead of time. That feeds into further observations about the origin of anxiety in Autistics, but it also leads to us trying to modify our behaviors and to fit in.

These modified behaviors are masking.

To speak to the point of ambiguity you raised, these behaviors also just became "who we are", because what we do over time tends to accrete on to the sum of who we are.

Thus, I think this is a theory which integrates and explains both the "this is masking" and "this is me" perspectives.

I certainly don’t “mask” too much on the subways.....

I feel whether one is “masking” or not is a matter of degree.

Every cognitively aware person adapts to some degree to the society at large.

“Masking” is when this is taken to extremes—when one’s true essence is enveloped by seeking to conform.

Thank you all for sharing. This is very educational for me.

I don't know if I'm still obviously autistic.

People commented on it when I was in my late teens. People who knew other autistic people or who had autistic family. But no one has asked me recently.

I wonder if I was just slow to develop socially... oh wait... is that what autism is? I feel like I've changed so much that I'm nothing like the person I used to be.

I am fortunate to have activities where I don't have to mask my true self. I can talk about tennis when I'm at the tennis court, I can talk about nearly anything to my true friends and can talk about cats (and pets in general) to fellow pet people. I have found it is actually better to use discretion in certain areas. I value my privacy and don't feel I have to speak my mind all the time.