How to cope with social events...advice please

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Went to a birthday breakfast yesterday.
I can't recognise the signs that precede overload, so it looked like I suddenly had to jump up in the middle of a conversation and leave for no reason.
But the noise/clatter/myriad lightbulbs!!/people/dogs/chatter/talking/laughing/questions!!/traffic/wind gusts built up until I felt like screaming (silently, inside my soul).
There must be a better way to cope with this?
Besides not going?
Any thoughts?

Sensory equipments?
No idea if this also extends to issues of wearing any.

Ask a (one on one) person to socialize somewhere quieter?
Could one? Would they?

Super focus?
If one could do that in a convo...

Certain sacrifices?
Varies on how much energy one spends on passing/manual processing/etc.

'Timing'?
Depends how long the party lasts. If a party is 2 hours long, try 20 mins in then 40 mins out? Something like that.

'Spaces'?
One can always move in and move out somewhere more comfortable, yes?

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I cannot take account on;

Anxiety and fear related issues.
Lack of overwhelm and discomfort upper tolerance in real time.
Issues with stamina and health related problems.
Anything mental health relevant -- ruminating, depression, etc.
Anything to do with unreliable sensory thresholds and executive function.
Anyone's desire (or lack it) to socialize.
How one's super focus works.


I cannot simply teach/advice;

Anything beyond what considers as 'coping'.
Personal Internal Management.
How to temporarily take all sorts of external overwhelm past one's supposed limit.
How to get away with 'necessary faux passes'.
Function in shutdowns and overwhelm.

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Tell the people you will go out with that you need a quiet restaurant. You all can also have the birthday breakfasts as a homecooked meal or get takeout and it eat at someone's home. Plastic/cardboard containers and utensils don't make as much noise as silverware. Or go for pizza, burritos, or something else that doesn't require silverware.

Don't go out with huge groups of people at once. Just tell your friends/family that you can't handle it. If necessary you can show up briefly, give a gift or card and talk separately with the birthday person for a while, then leave early.

That does sound like a very overwhelming environment.

Admittedly, since I'd have the same struggle, I am probably not the best at giving advice . I could barely handle a trip to the shop tonight.

Thankyou for the suggestions.

@Edna: I did leave the room periodically to go outside and to the bathroom for a break. Maybe I should have stayed out longer but I felt it was rude being out as long as I was and they only had one toilet so I couldn't really spend any length of time in there without annoying people wanting to use it.
Outside was just as noisy and cluttered as inside. It's near a busy highway which made walking near impossible and people had their dogs outside, which are a source of sensory aversion for me.

I left my hearing aids out, which made the volume lower but any respite I gained from that was replaced by the strain of lipreading. So I was already hyper focused in a way.

There wasn't a lot of space to move. Even the staff had trouble getting to the table and had to pass dishes down via the diners.

@starkid: I don't think I could dictate where someone else chooses to eat on their birthday. I have mentioned to them before that the place is not good for me.
You're right, I normally don't go.
I do like the idea of just turning up with the present and going home. Great idea! Think I'll do that next time.
I don't know why I tortured myself in this instance.

@ABG: How do earplugs in public work? What if someone speaks to you? Or is the idea that you don't talk to anyone?

Sensory overload is common among people with ASD.
This often happens due to various abnormalities with the ASD brain caused by abnormal development.

Hypersensitivity to sensory information,
inability to filter out most the sensory information from the sensory source we are focusing on,
extra brain cells in the areas of the brain that deal with sensory information,
damage to the part of the brain that deals with stress,
combined with abnormalities to the frontal lobe that deals with emotion regulation of emotion that causes emotional dysregulation.

Put all that together into a simple equation

stress > capacity for stress = autism spectrum disorder sensory overload meltdown

Perhaps try explaining to your buddies your condition and that if you start acting strangely, for them to be forgiving, as meltdowns are involuntary reactions caused by the way that your brain works, literally.

Good friends will understand and be more forgiving.

Two things I would do is wear dark glasses so people don't see my eyes and secondly have pods with music playing so I don't to listen to the drawl of NT conversation

^
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^ I've seen some earplugs that come in skin tones so others would be less likely to notice, and my thinking was that the user would probably still be able to hear really loud sounds or the person closest to them. But they come in many different types I believe, so some would block out more sounds than others. Though taking out your hearing aids would probably have the same effect.

And you're right, having visible earplugs or headphones could be a good way to dissuade others from engaging with you. I guess it would come down to how much interaction you intend to have. I tend to hang in the corner and apparently I'm not very approachable, so usually at those functions I don't have to engage with people a lot. Just observing and trying to remain inconspicuous is overwhelming enough.

Hm I wonder if it would help to have something to focus on? Like something to fidget with, or a task like keeping an eye on the dog to make sure it doesn't get into the food (side note: if there's a cat that's where I focus).

I am recalling the wedding shower my mom forced me into with all of her friends. I was a wreck at the beginning and nearly locked myself in the bathroom. Once I had some alcohol I felt a bit better. Of course this wouldn't always work.

I do like talking with my friends, so I don't think earplugs or music would be a good idea, I have trouble enough hearing as it is.

@madbutnotmad: my friends do understand to a degree.
I like what you wrote, would you mind if I copied some of it and forwarded it to a few people? It explains it better than I could verbally.

@ABG: if only there had been a cat!
This town seems full of dogs and dog people.

I think the earpod tech allows you to fade the background noise when it gets too loud and then equalise it when you want to chat to friends. Another idea is bring your phone and play games. Most NTs find it acceptable to stare at your phone when you are in social gatherings so that's kind of like an advanced fidget spinner.

^ Err...I would never play on my phone at the table. No one else in my social group does either.
I guess I'm more weird than I thought!

^ Yeah I wouldn't be able to immerse myself in my phone either. I would have anxiety of my mom appearing and scolding me, besides I wouldn't want to offend people anyways unless I hated them, and was there begrudgingly.

^ I'm working on it!

Seriously, it must be a Melbourne thing. Everyone spends 4 min staring at their phone for every one minute of conversation. Its damn irritating and a real thing.

When I'm in crowded, noisy places, I frequently take breaks. I'll go to a quieter room, or just outdoors for a few minutes. That usually helps me to calm down and recharge. Another possibility is getting into a one-on-one conversation with a compatible person, which allows me to ignore the general chaos better. (Though this can be difficult if I don't already know anyone there, since I'm not a good initiator.) If things really get to be too much, you can always say a quick goodbye and leave. There's no reason to subject yourself to torture.