How NTs converse

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I realized yesterday that I'll never be able to make it, fake it or anything. There's just too big a gap between what I'm able to fake and how NTs actually converse.

Example from a conversation I witnessed yesterday:

Sue: My husband is going to study Industrial Management.
Pam: Tell him not to. It's a waste of time.
Sue: Well, he's a civil engineer and he wants to get into the hitech field...
Pam: What for? Hitech is not what they think it is (note: Pam's a manager in a hitech firm)
Sue: Well, he wants to advance... You have a nice career, Pam. What did you study?
Pam: Industrial Management
Sue: Are you happy you studied that?
Pam: Absolutely. I had a wonderful time, wonderful university, it's the best
Sue: And do you think-
Pam: (interrupts) That's a GAP shirt you're wearing, isn't it? I have the same.

I'd never be able to speak their language. I wouldn't dare talk nonsense like Pam. I'd think people would think I'm crazy. However, she did the ACCEPTABLE thing. In-between the lines there's a huge non-verbal message.

I'm no social expert, but only a minor percentage of what you actually say in a conversation matters. Your body language is the most important, as well as intonation.

When listening to a conversation, use fill words, such as "I see", or "okay". This will show the other person that you're interested. I also recomend that you ask questions about the subject to show that you're interested. Make sure you ask open questions instead of closed questions. Don't ask me why, but NTs prefer open questions. You should also avoid pedantic speech. This is very hard when you're an aspie, and I have problems with this myself. I don't know why, but it's considered rude to talk pedantic.

It is also important to keep eye-contact approximately 70% of the conversation. In a conversation, NTs will often imitate each others body language and facial expressions. They don't imitate each other like a mirror, but if (for example) person 1 puts his left hand in the pocket of his jacket, person 2 will often do the same five seconds later. If one of them smiles, the other one will usualy start smiling. Doing so will make the other person sub-consciously feel accepted.

If you manage to use body language and intonation good, you can actually talk about more specific things in a smalltalk conversation. I remember once when talking to a friend some weeks ago that he actually seemed interested when I started talking about Formula 1 cars, even though the conversation started with chit-chat.

Pam's remarks sound like code for, "I've carved out a sweet little niche for myself, and I don't want any noobs coming in and messing it up for me, kthx."

Aaahh, humans, ain't they marvelous.

I think you've chosen a bad example to emulate. Pam's communication skills don't seem all that good in the excerpt you posted.

Notice how the topic conversation was a third party? That's something NT people talk about a lot. It's quite rare for me to participate in those types of conversation - too much speculation.

I think I agree with SleepyDragon.

I think Pam's "nonsense" was intentional. She was deliberately trying to discourage Sue from the idea. She's not an Engineer, therefore a new tide of Engineers studying Industrial Management and getting into hitech (in a small community) are a huge threat to her. She's no competition for them.

I could never do it in an NT-appropriate way. If I tried to get out of helping someone ruin my career, I'd come out as rude. Because I don't know how to be uncooperative (as Pam was) in an NT-appropriate way. I thought Pam was terribly rude. However, nobody was offended in the group. What's rude to me, isn't rude for NTs and viceversa.

Hmm. I get it now that you elaborated a little on the circumstances.

Telling Sue to dissuade her husband was definitely not the "acceptable" thing to do. It was a rude thing to say and frankly none of her business. Seems like something a two-faced person would say, you know, someone who’s arrogant on the outside and insecure on the inside. Those are the worst kinds of people. Probably nobody acted offended because they didn’t want to stir up hurt feelings and conflict. At the moment it was best to let it go and not ruin an otherwise enjoyable time.

To tell the truth, if I was in Pam’s position I would probably just pretend not to hear and change the subject on line two. I wouldn’t say a bunch of dishonest crap and then change the subject when I got cornered.

Speaking hypothetically...

For me the conversation (if it ever transpired) would have abruptly ended once Pam had said "he's wasting his time".

If the conversation had continued, I would have been completely floored by her attempt to change the subject, and would have retaliated by ignoring it and steering it (the discussion) back to what I was actually talking about.

Apollyon, that's so me too. That's how I react.

It took me awhile to realize that she was trying to change the subject, but I initially thought there was a loophole in her thoughts--how she mentioned she was successful in Industrial Management, but told her husband not to try it. I didn't realize that contradiction was because she didn't want competition.

I don't get these people, but they sure are amusing.

I think the difference between how an NT and an aspie might react has more to do with understanding that this Pam person is insecure underneath. I probably wouldn’t realize this in the moment. I would see her rudeness and be offended which would probably escalate the situation. I think the person talking to her realized she was insecure about her job and felt sorry for her, therefore she just let the rudeness slide and didn’t keep pressing it once Pam changed the subject.

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