Trouble calibrating social harmony w/ "overly nice"?

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HI, this must be one of the biggest dilemmas that I or anyone else on the spectrum has been faced with, but...what strategies do you employ for appropriately calibrating the level of expected social harmony & civility, against being "too nice" to the point of being a push-over?

I know that as young males, NTs seem to generally effortlessly absorb the "rules" of not being overly nice to a young woman they're dating, yet maintain appropriate social rules without appearing what they call "beta". My heyday as a young man was from 90s to the mid-2000s, and it took me quite a bit of trial-and-error with note-taking, Internet research, occasional feedback etc. before I met my current wife

But I will tell you, it was quite frustrating when my circle of NT friends told me not to be too nice, yet exhibit social niceties. So, being an Aspie (diagnosed 2001), this of course confused the hell out of me - even post-diagnosis.

So I went thru the exercise of writing down in one column what were proper social behaviours, and what may have been construed as "too clingy" or over-compensating. Like, in the left column were things like hold the door open for her, let her order first in the restaurant, note if she appear restless later in the date to ask how she feels as a cue...those are all the social "niceties" that one would even expect an "alpha" to be mindful of, arguably. But on the right column, I wrote things like offering to help with some hobby or project she's working on, telling her that you'll get champagne (random example) for you both and it's on you, offering various favours like driving her to an event so she doesn't have to take the bus...you get the picture. Basically, the right-side items were going out of one's way and more transparent in signalling your desperation, the left-side items were just to make you "seem more normal".

More than once, I came into conflict with these as the lines were blurred somewhat due to my lack of experience and insight in my 20s... I was lucky enough to get some feedback, on a double-date with an NT friend, basically she remarked on how I was super-nice but didn't do "obvious little things" - which put her off from me.

IN a group dynamic, with both genders, it's also a fine line in calibrating social niceties with those "excessive niceties" which are construed as over-compensating. So, this is definitely one of the life lessons that continues to challenge us Aspies!! ! But I believe we can all get better at it with practice, I know I did and you can too...