My dad thinking differently than me at my expense

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CubsBullsBears
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22 Feb 2021, 12:52 am

The other day, my dad told me that we might be going to Florida next month. I have some family who lives there. He also said "you have to promise that you don't have another issue if something happens again". He was referring to the last time we were flying back from Florida. It was the day the derecho happened in Iowa. The plane hovered around the state for a bit and then we were diverted to St. Louis, which is 4 and a half hour drive away. Basically, I was so mad about not only how unexpected it was, but how unique it was. I've known for many years that flights get delayed all the time, but nothing like what we experienced. My frustruation was also because I had believed that we would have to do something like take a rental car home. Thankfully what actually happened was that we were only at the airport for an hour and a half before they flew us the rest of the way.

I will say that after that experience, I feel like I will be able to handle unexpected situations like that in the future better, but that is not what this is about.

The one display of anger I showed was when my dad had come up to me at the airport and I had told him "this is f***ed up" in an irritated but quiet tone. Even though I've had way worse behavioral issues in my life, my dad got mad at me and was like "not one person here is as upset as you!". I thought then that he overreacted and I told him after he made that remark 2 nights ago that I was talking quietly, he was basically like "yes it was a big deal". Although, he also reminded me that I had also bitten my arm. Even then, I didn't cause a public disturbance.

Basically, he thinks of that situation much more seriously than I do. I have started to notice this pattern with him where I'm just like "what is wrong with you?". Here's a couple other examples:

The way he reacted when I told him that I had feelings for who is now my step-cousin(I had talked about her in another thread when that happened 2 months ago). As part of his strong reaction, he said that it would make everyone uncomfortable. Let's just say hypothetically that I had showed that I had feelings for her in front of her family and that, regardless of if she showed interested in me or not, they got mad at me/us. Let me put it to you all this way: they got mad at me for showing interest in a girl all because her aunt married my dad. I hope you all realize how ridiculous that is. Obviously, my dad and presumably others feel differently and it just makes no sense and that sort of thing irritates me to no end.

Another example happened on Saturday when I was having brunch at a restaurant with my dad, mom, stepmom and sister(something we do many Saturday's. I had said something and my dad just kept talking to others at the table about something else. I said what I wanted to say again. The same thing happened. This time I let him know that I wasn't happy that he was just ignoring me. He said that he was talking to someone else

"But you weren't talking when I said what I said". That's true, btw.

"Yes I was"

Oh, you dumbass. :roll:

There are numerous other examples that I could share on here, but that would make this post longer than it needs to be. It all kinda makes me feel like a misfit and "less than". Just in general, I get a more negative view on the world when people say/do things that got me like "these people are screwed in the head".



timf
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22 Feb 2021, 8:38 am

In electronics there are analog circuits and digital ones. This can be useful to consider looking at things as black and white or in shades of gray.

It sounds like both you and your father have a digital view where things are either right or wrong. If you can cultivate an analog perspective, you might find some common ground. For example, you might ask for his perspective on if you have been getting better at managing negative surprises than when you were little.Since almost everyone learns to manage things better than when they were a child, the answer should probably be yes. This sort of question can force someone to take a larger view of things than just a particular incident.

One can also use humor such as explaining your plane diversion reaction as, "I hadn't yet seen "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" yet so I didn't know how bad things could get."



BeaArthur
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22 Feb 2021, 12:29 pm

Your dad wants you to mask better, as well as pursue relationships that don't embarrass anyone. I think you can accept that he wants this, without you necessarily providing it. At the same time, however, you do know that certain things (such as swearing and raising your voice in a public place, or biting your arm) are unlikely to go over well.

As to being different and "less than" - well, yes. You are that. I am that. All autistics are that. The best that you can do about it is create your own segment of society where you do fit in and even get to make some of the rules.


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DIVAIR
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22 Feb 2021, 1:43 pm

Do a little research on "narcissism": if it feels like that is the case, there are some excellent strategies for coping with that type of personality.

Good luck buuuddy!

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kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2021, 6:49 pm

Sometimes, crap just happens.....

I've had to learn that over many years.

I don't always react too well to change---but, fortunately for me, I learned to just try to "go with the flow," rather than get all pissed off. Getting pissed off doesn't solve anything.

Of course, your dad could be more sympathetic, and not act like some macho man....