Men and Masking

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AS has been characterized as hyper-masculinity, in both men and women. The only source of confusion on that I can think of was TV's Sheldon Cooper character, an aspie played by an effeminate gay comedian. I used to have a bi friend, and she was always second-guessing the gender of strangers we saw, where I felt no confusion.

What are you talking about here? Who is "we"?

All humans do that. Not just the subset of the human race that the OP is addressing in this thread (ie 'male autistics').

Yes. The guy who plays Sheldon is a good enough actor to portray a socially inept science geek (unlike his real personality), but not a good enough actor to surpress his own effeminate traits while in front of the camera (which have nothing to do with the character he is portraying).

I have seen dorks, and I have seen gay guys just like Parsons. But Ive never seen both that kind of dorkiness and that kind of gayness in the same person like that.

But...supposedly there is a lot of overlap between gays and autistics. So what do I know?

By "we" I'm taking about human nature.

- Are you diagnosed / self-diagnosed, and at what age?

Officially diagnosed in my late forties.

- Did you have difficulty finding a diagnostician as an adult?

A little , the pyschiatrist said I don't need an assessment , when I asked why he said 'you don't have autism'. My advocate asked him how he knew , he didn't have an answer. My advocate then pointed out it was my legal right to be referred.

- Were you taken seriously by your GP, your family and friends, etc?

The more vocal members of my family had diagnosed me with schizophrenia and had the 'everyone's a little autistic' `theory.

- If you weren't diagnosed in school, what challenges did you face trying to fit in?

I had no idea I was 'different', I thought everyone was the same so never gave any thought to any challenges. I was in the 'nerds' social clique but didn't have the grades to match , I found school a waste of a time.

- If you were diagnosed in school, or you went to special ed., how did that affect your social confidence?

N/A

- How did your autistic traits affect your relationships or your self-concept?

I had no self-concept till my late teens when I had an existential crisis and experienciend what I now know was my first burnout. I'm not sure if my relationships were affected.

- Did you feel pressure to hide your autistic traits? (sensory issues, special interests, etc)?

Only after my first burnout , before that I was care free. I don't info dump and have a handful of scripts if I have to get out of a situation due to overload.

- Did you feel pressure to hide your emotions or fake them?

Only really noticed I did after a burnout , toxic masculinity eliminated all outward emotions.

- Did you play sports or get ridiculed if you didn't play sports? (male stereotyes?)

I played sports ( it was compulsory ) , enjoyed it and believe I fitted in ( never picked last in team games )

- Do you feel that society judged / will judge you for not conforming with NT boys / men?

Probably but try not to think of it.

- Do you feel like you wore a "mask" socially, or tried to fake it?

I did both and when it was difficult I self medicated.

- How does it feel knowing other autistic men are often branded as serial killers or psychos?

Don't really think about it.

- Did you ever feel like you'd be called an INCEL if you wanted to date or have sex?

No.

- Were you ever worried to tell a partner that you were autistic, or thought you were autistic?

No.

- Do you feel society / women have unfair expectations about your career or your income / skills?

Don't think about it

- Is your mental health taken seriously, overall?

It was never taken seriously until I had a burnout. I don't think it's taken seriously now although I am medicated.

- Do you feel like autistic men's voices are heard in the media?

Don't think about it.

Thanks for so much input, everyone!

There's a lot to unpack from all these responses but I'll do my best to reply. I'm kind of slow with quoting text and I can only scroll back so far in people's responses when writing. I mostly started this thread so you could benefit from each other's answers but I relate really well to what you're all saying.

I could have written this myself ^



Me too.



Same. It seems like a lot of men here experience this as well - thinking they're doing their best to fit in, but the conceding it's often a zero sum game. It seems most men have stopped trying to mask after a certain age, even if they managed better in childhood.




Well put.

I'd love to see a list of ND therapists. My daughter lost hers last year and she's really struggling.

If you want to start another thread for it, that would be much appreciated.

Perhaps it could be worldwide rather just adding America, if anyone knows good ND therapists in other countries.

I don't know very many autistic people in "real life" so this is interesting to me.
Where do you meet autistic people?



I'm curious to know what other people think, here.



I've read quite a bit of Donna Williams and I agree with her theories especially about our early development with sensory perception and communication. I have a lot of right-brained skills and abilities but my left-brain is also dominant in my self-concept. I haven't read Temple Grandin and I don't know anything about her except that she's quite wooden.

I'm wondering if anyone else feels wooden? It's like my mind is artsy but my physical existence and my communication skills are wooden, so I'm always trapped in between.

Are you diagnosed/self-diagnosed, and at what age?

I was diagnosed with "infantile autism" at about the age of 3. I was nonverbal and oblivious at that point in my life.

Did you have difficulty finding a diagnostician as an adult

N/A

Were you taken seriously by your GP, your family, and friends, etc.?

The psychologist who diagnosed me thought I should be institutionalized. I had no friends when I was three. My mother didn't take the psychologist seriously as to institutionalizing me, though she did take the diagnosis seriously.

If you weren't diagnosed in school, what challenges did you face trying to fit in?

N/A. I was diagnosed BEFORE I went to school

How did your autistic traits affect your relationships or your self-concept?

I didn't have a "self-concept" until maybe 6 years of age. I knew I was "different" from that time. I awkwardly tried to make friends, but almost always didn't succeed. I had a "best friend" throughout childhood whom I didn't want to "share" with anybody else. I was oblivious to what people thought of me until around junior high. I just thought they teased me because "that's what kids do." I knew I was "different," but I never thought I was "less" than anybody else.

If you were diagnosed in school, or you went to special ed., how did that affect your social confidence?

I didn't understand the concept of "social confidence" until I got to about junior high. Afterwards, my "social confidence" was rather low, even though I didn't think I was "less" than anybody else.

Did you feel pressure to hide your autistic traits

I didn't really know how to "hide" any of my "traits" until I got to junior high. I made an attempt to appear normal, by acting "hyper-normal," in a very awkward way, in junior high. I was not embarrassed to show off my interest in human evolution in junior high. I used to draw "family trees" of evolution in my guidance counselor's office. Later on, I found out this was the reason why he wanted to expel me from the junior high.

Did you feel pressure to hide your emotions or fake them?

I didn't know I had "emotions" until i got to junior high. Afterwards, I really didn't make much of an effort to hide them. I would throw temper tantrums in class frequently until I got to high school. In high school, I felt pressure to stop acting like a kid, and to behave better in class so I can get a good grade.

Did you play sports or get ridiculed if you didn't play sports?

I played sports. I didn't play sports well. I was ridiculed for not playing sports well. I liked playing sports, though.

Did you feel that society judged/will judge you for not conforming with NT boys/men?

Even though I was autistic, I was still very much an "all-American boy." Even though I sucked at sports. Being a boy came naturally to me.

Do you feel like you wore a "mask" socially, or tried to fake it?

I didn't have the ability or insight to "mask" until about junior high. When i did acquire that ability, I didn't really try all that hard to "mask."

How does it feel knowing other autistic men are often branded as serial killers or psychos?

I feel it's total BS, garbage, without any basis in fact, whatsoever. I would go as far as saying that people who think this way are delusional.

Did you ever feel like you'd be called an INCEL if you wanted to date or have sex?

The term wasn't invented, of course, when I was young. People were surprised that I was able to find a girlfriend in high school.

Were you ever worried to tell a partner that you were autistic, or thought you were autistic?

Not really. The fact that I was "different," not necessarily "autistic," was evident to all. I didn't feel like it would be a great "confessional moment" if I would reveal my autism. I would tell my partner my life story without compunction.

Do you feel society/women have unfair expectations about your career or your income/skills?

Unfair? No. irritating? Yes. I never liked having just a clerical job; I am sort of embarrassed about it now. I'm 60 years old and never had kids, nor ever had a professional job. It sort of bothers me sometimes. It probably prevented me from getting a lot of girls/women whom I desired.

Is your mental health taken seriously, overall?

Not really.

Do you feel like autistic men's voices are heard in the media?

Not to any great extent, or enough of an extent.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 09 Dec 2021, 9:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I tend to think most supermodels and uber-beautiful women look like men in drag.

I've always seen them that way and I don't know why?

Same. I didn't know I was supposed to connect-the-dots with traits that seemed totally unrelated (Stimming / Special Interests? Meltdowns / Sensory Issues? -- I had no clue any of this was related under one pathology).




Same. Unless, heaven forbid, I opened up and shared emotions or had a meltdown.
Then I was called histrionic, or crazy, or premenstrual, or schizophrenic.

Histrionic bothered me the most.





You're right. I meant to say "spree killers". I thought I corrected that somewhere in the thread. It still sucks that nearly every time there's a spree killing, people start asking if the killer was autistic. They never ask if any of the victims were autistic, which really bugs me.

I have no leniency for any killer, ever.

Hi and welcome to WP!
Thanks for your input!

Rolling my eyes. It's so frustrating that doctors can be so dismissive to their patients - whether boys, girls, men, or women. I think men are doubted just as much by their doctors as women. I'm glad you pushed the issue.




Sorry you've had so much difficulty with burnout.

I have some article on burnout but I'll have to dig them up.

https://boren.blog/2017/01/26/autistic- ... d-passing/

https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/05 ... c-burnout/

Here's a couple to get you started.

I've been in burnout since 2014. It started before that but I've been actively trying to recover for the last seven years, to no avail really. I don't know if I will recover at this point.

Thank you.It was my advocate who pushed for my assesment , I would've just accepted the pyschiatrists opinion. Thank you for the links IsabellaLinton , sorry to hear about your burnout and struggles.

Agreed.



This however, has not been my experience. I am extremely left-brain dominant, have D.I.D., and mask more or less seamlessly. Our systems alter who is the most right-brain dominant, cannot mask well at all.

I greatly appreciate you telling me this. Thank you!

I have rarely met a good left brain dominant masker. I loved Donna Williams talking about her DID, saying there was a left - brained self and right - brained self and never the twain shall meet. However, before she died they did meet, as with many of her other alters.

Wishing you well.

Here's another good article about Masking or Camouflaging:

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/1 ... 1319878559

and one about Autism and Trauma, in case anyone is interested:

https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/d ... sm-trauma/

*caveat -- I don't like their recommendation of CBT therapy ^ , but the rest of it's a good read.