Just wanted to vent.. trying to calm down

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I am so upset right now. About three hours ago there was a knock on our back door. Now, that's odd in itself because no one ever comes through the back door. That's what the front door is for. It turns out to be two of my husband's childhood friends. Well, OK. I panic when anyone shows up unannounced, and there were two of them. My husband of course invited them in because what else is he going to do? They were nice but loud and talkative and outgoing. I'm OK with people one on one but groups of people (even three at a time) make me nervous because I can never figure out where to put in a word edgewise and I end up staying silent.

The three of them proceed to get deep into conversation about people they grew up with, which I of course can't contribute to, so I'm getting more and more nervous because everyone's ignoring me. This goes on and on. Meanwhile I'm scrutinizing everything, because I didn't have time to prepare for someone coming over. I need "prep time" for contact with people, and these weren't even people I'd ever met before, AND they were ignoring me in my own house, AND the house was messy (I've been sick) AND I wasn't dressed right nor taken my shower (morning routine that helps me prep for being social) etc. So it was just a mess.

I ended up retreating into the back room and lying in the dark, while listening to them (like I said, they were loud) in the living room. I know it doesn't seem like it should have been that stressful, but I'm still trying to get over it. (All three of them just left the house so I'm alone again.) I figured this was the only place I could even come close to being understood.

Wow. Uninvited guests are NOT something I deal with well at all. As a matter of fact, I never have any guests at all! My home is my safe place.

I don't know if it's any consolation to you, but consider these things: they're men and probably less likely to notice a "messy" house (no offense to men, they're usually not as anal about such things as we can be!); they were there to catch up with your husband, and while it is annoying to be ignored in your own home, or to have to leave a room of YOUR OWN house to escape an unpleasant situation, at least they most likely did not expect anything from you at all, hopitality-wise, or conversationally. They were just doing the old buddy thing (out of the blue!) People who just show up really can't have any kind of expectations.

I'm sorry you're in distress now. I certainly would be. I hope you can calm down soon.

suprise visits from people is always terrible. if that happens to me i always act wierder than normal, and its very noticable

I've gotten annoyed with people coming over to my house back in Montana unexpected. But I welcomed it anyway because I didn't want to be rude. It doesn't happen very often so I don't have a problem with uninvited guests. People hardly come here at my aunt and uncles house where I live. They have had guests over before but never been a problem for me because it's their house and their guests, not mine. I don't have to stop what I'm doing to socialize with them.

Last edited by likedcalico on 27 Jul 2007, 3:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Totally understand!

When we have company at my self I leave the room serveral times just to calm myself down. I don't like suprise visits either. I like at least a few hours notice. I also take a long time to get over trauma of this kind. Don't be hard on your self. I act the exact same way.

Question:


What about people that come over but they were there to see someone else in your household, not you. Does it still bother you that they came over and you weren't expecting it?

I think I'd have an easier time with someone over to see me. Then they wouldn't be a stranger and I would know how to act with them already. I wouldn't have to put effort into trying to figure out what was expected of me or worry about first impressions.

And I wouldn't be ignored. That's my biggest set-off - I never know if it's personal that they're ignoring me or if it's just matter-of-course. I usually assume it's because I did something wrong. In the rare cases I have gone out with groups, no one is ignored, even if they are a stranger they find a way to fit into the flow of the conversation. I don't know how. I try but it doesn't work.

Thats awful
I think you did a good thing for yourself by venting here on WP
When I feel shut out like that I usually begin sinking into a depressive spiral when I should do exactly what you did; turn to those who are here for you!

It's so hard to think on the spot like that. Quite frankly, I think it was rude of them to show up unannounced!

man... you do alot better than I do with uninvited guests...you should get a medal... just be thankful that you don't stammer/stutter like crazy then squeak and run away...

Totally understand.

Me too as I tend to panic when people turn up unexpectedly, especially if I don't know them well.

It wasn't a personal thing to ignore you in this situation. Matter of fact, I wouldn't call it being ignored necessarily. They were so consumed with talking about memories with your husband. At that point, there wasn't much you could have added or that they could have talked to you about (unless you grew up with all of them).


You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to join in. There wouldn't be too much to say about their own memories, know what I mean? You definitely didn't do anything wrong. But also keep in mind, neither did your husband.



If you had 2 childhood friends come over, your husband (no matter how outgoing) may not have much input into the conversation. He simply wouldn't know what you all did at that age, he may listen without saying much of anything.



Don't feel bad about this. You did just fine. And worrying about a dirty house or the way you are dressed is 100% fully understandable for ANYONE in that situation, aspie or not.