white lie: "umm, maybe I'm not explaining myself properly"

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Have you ever been on the receiving end of this NT white lie: "Umm...maybe I'm not explaining myself properly..."

I found that 9/10 times, on reflection, it was just a face-saving tactic, b/c inside they were probably thinking "why do you need me to elaborate or rephrase, isn't it obvious, what's wrong with you"...

I could tell by their disappointed facial expression - so, yes, I CAN tell inner mind states sometimes - but more so in "reactive mode", I can't consistently do so in proactive social finesse mode - better than before, but nowhere near 100%.

Basically I find it's due to the differences in NT and ASD brains in processing communication... we need more verbal input and details to see "the big picture" and just auto-intuit that person's mind-state and why what they're describing may be a hinderance to them, or something they'd find problematic (b/c it's usually with co-workers that I've had this statement). So the NT person is using a lot of facial expression and gestures and so forth while talking, and it's a lot for us to absorb and seamlessly synthesize, so we paraphrase what we think the issue is and why it might be causing them grief but it doesn't quite click.

At least the other person can tell by OUR facial expression that we're legitimately confounded, we're not being flippant or sarcastic or passive-aggressive, which is probably why they don't tend to blow up at us over this honest and innocent misunderstanding. They probably just find it a bit weird that they don't have this issue with others (in general), even though there's no basis for comparison on that one exchange b/c they only asked YOU and they didn't ask anyone else.

I had a retail associate treat me poorly and my instinct was to say "I can see you are busy and I know [blah, blah]... and I was super excited to [blah, blah] so your impatience is very upsetting..." but I couldn't so I was cried. My therapist suggested I could have said "oh, did I misunderstand you?" as a clue to the associate that she was rude. But I didn't misunderstand the associate, I understand her perfectly. Grrrr.

It benefits people to learn diplomacy.

Diplomacy is why we’ve survived as a species.

Without it, we would have killed ourselves a long time ago.

Hey ya, just look at Henry Kissinger, he's almost 100 years old!! !
Can't really forgive him for that Cambodia decision, though.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Kissinger

Maybe diplomacy is why NTs survived. It's a pain and possibly life-threatening for me.

Please remember that I'm not necessarily advocating diplomacy all the time.

I'm just trying to convey that one must understand why it's done.

Sort of like knowing the "in and outs" of something you're against, instead of avoiding what you're against.

Diplomacy is not always done for evil reasons. It's usually done for self-preservation.

I had to learn all this the "hard way." It took a long time.

Well...duhhhh...

They say things like "maybe I am not explaining myself properly" in order to avoid having to say things like "you stupid dumb cluck I already told you so and so".

Would you prefer that they said the latter? And then beat you with a tire iron on top of that?

Not sure what you're complaining about.

You have a problem with them suppressing anger at you by being nice?

WTF?

In other words ...authority figures sometimes HAVE to use phrases like that when they have a "failure of communication" so they dont have to do what Rod Steiger does to Paul Newman here.



Happens to me all of the time at my inventory counting company.

Only when I am right and have the facts to back it up.

What they are doing is called 'Back-Pedaling' so that they can make it seem that what they said in the past actually agrees with the truth in the present.  It is also a common 'Gaslighting' trick among politicians.

"I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." -- Alan Greenspan, American economist and corporate consultant

I rather think you are right

I'm guest teaching and I simply try again or I ask the student what they do understand and what may be missing. I don't have to make a white lie nor be insulting.

Teasing: It's not either(lie)/or(insult) --- or do you have ASD B&W thinking?

I'd probably do similar to Sharon were I a teacher.

Asking a student what they understand directly is still diplomacy.

Unfortunately yes

I know what you mean. I feel the same way.

Actually its been a long time, if ever, since Ive had someone say that exact thing to me.

In fact I have the opposite situation more often. Of wanting ...some stock phrase like that...to be a verbal nerf ball.

I had a certain running debate with a coworker about a certain work related thing. After months of the thing coming up on and off, I asked her a simple question. She responded by breaking down with tears in her eyes and just repeating a phrase over and over again. I guess that I "won" the debate in a sense. But it wasnt the outcome I was going for.

But I was never abusive towards her. Always calm.

The outcome I was after was her saying "yeah...you're right. I was having a temporary brain fart. Its a silly thing for me (this person) to say, and not a good thing to say in front of subordinates. I shouldnt set that as an example." And then we both laugh about it, and then carry on as team players.

You might say that that outcome wouldve been unattainable. But some folks, like mom, are diplomatic enough to gently get folks to see their own foibles.

So I still find myself rehearsing conversations with this person in my head.

I say that when someone doesn't understand my instructions to help them feel better. I don't want them to feel stupid because the thing usually isn't that big a deal. It's how I introduce the idea that I'm now going to explain what I said in a different way in the hopes that they will understand.

It's not a lie. It's a preface to your next words.