Going out in public

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How is it for you guys?

If I go to stores or anywhere else where I see others for the first time, I do “okay”. If it’s somewhere where I’m expected to be really social and build relationships and act normal and the like such as the workplace, my daughter’s daycare with her staff, or anywhere else, I struggle. Despite how friendly and polite I am, I get this unwelcoming vibe and it makes me think “What can I do to make others more comfortable around me? What specifically am I actually doing wrong? I have no idea of how to improve?” I don’t look disabled but my masking is terrible. So because of that, people don’t cut me any slack. But I continue to be very kind to them anyway in hopes they eventually turn around and accept me.

So how is it for you guys? Any tips?

And I’ve met a number of NT’s who don’t always follow the norms either. But they have certain things they contribute that most don’t. Every mind is needed in the world. Diversity is needed. I hope humanity can keep waking up.

I can relate. I'm super nice to people. Due to my masking, I can never stop giggling, and I laugh at everything and try to smile a lot. Sometimes, if it's an condescending adult woman, who talks to me like I'm a dog (high pitched voice, acting like I'm a baby), I say "I don't want to be here" in an angry voice and stare at the floor.
But people don't like me, still. I'm always excluded. People always forget about me, or rarely try to include me. It's so hard to describe. People aren't mean to me, it's just like no one wants to actually talk to me. They just wanna act like they're inclusive, but when they interact with me, they don't know how to react, because to other people I probably seem in between autistic and normal, or like a girl that never stops "flirting". I try to be super nice, but it never works.
If anyone stares at me, I stare back, or smile and wave. People are weird. Especially high schoolers.

I can relate too. My best advice is to be like a shy person. Very quiet and soft and polite and gentle if you choose to speak. Be genuine without being very verbal. Let your heart show through without trying to talk too much.

I like skibum's advice but I'll add "humor". And I don't know when you should got with "keep your mouth shut" vs. "say something funny.'

A silly example of "funny" would be when you pick her up ask if she built a nuclear bomb, when they say "No..." you add "Good! The sitter hated that!"

I find going out in public more mentally exhausting than going to work or seeing friends, family, etc.

When in public everyone are strangers and strangers only see what's on the outside (of a person) and not consider what could be going on on the inside. So if they have a problem with the way you look (if you look shy or express any kind of emotion or personality) they'll judge you by staring or laughing. Usually the people you know (like friends and family) are used to you and you can be yourself a bit more (although it depends on how your relationship is with them).

I don't have a problem with interacting, I just sometimes find it mentally draining to be 'normal' sometimes, which is essentially required when you're in public places. Having impulses and hyperactivity can make acting normal more mentally draining, which is why I can't be in public places too long. I'm glad I wear a face mask now because I can mutter under it about how people in stores piss me off, and it actually makes me feel less stressed. Hiding every ounce of emotion is so hard, I don't know how NTs do it.

Strangers usually don’t give two craps about you.

I do better with strangers, usually, than with people I know.

I go into a store, buy something, exchange pleasantries, than be on my way. People don’t care one way or another.

It’s only when you do something overtly weird that people start to care.

I think I just see strangers as more of a threat than people who aren't strangers (unless I'm interacting with strangers). It's like any tiny, microscopic flaw in one's body language and strangers can't handle it, they want everyone to present as clones and if you're just a teeny, tiny bit off (even if you're acting normal like them) they will judge you. Or if you're not wearing something quite right.

Strangers notice more things about you than your own friends do. That's why so many NTs get paranoid about how they look before going out even just to the supermarket.

I've had more bad experiences with strangers in my life than I have people I know. I've often been picked on by strangers. Like one time when I was a teenager I was walking along with a hat that was in fashion at the time for teenagers, and as I walked past these 2 old guys I heard one of them say loudly "look at her stupid hat!" It's like strangers don't seem so sensitive to your feelings and will just say out loud what they think because they don't know you so they think they can get away with it. I could tell by their tone of voice that they knew what they were saying and were just judging me. It wouldn't have been as bad if they had said "I don't like those hats that all the youngsters are wearing", but to point it out like they did was very rude and unkind and I was always taught never to do that myself.

I avoid going out to general stores. Asides the sensory overload, I am very stressed in life right now caring for young children so I don't have much margin to deal with unkindness or apathy in the real world. I had a donut shop incident recently.

That said, I go out to work and volunteer near every day, but I selected places or situations that are safe (enough). In the case of my new work, I visit different sites every week, usually for half a day, so I don't have to build relationships (kind of what you said) and I don't overextend myself. It was funny b/c I needed to get recommendations and mine were from people I'd only worked with on site for a day or two. If I were NT, I bet I would have stayed at one site and built relationships and the people could say they'd known me for most of my tenure. That said, the people I sought recommendations from didn't need more than a day to be impressed. I've tended to be a shooting star to some degree: See me, be amazed (or wary of it), and I'm out of here (b/c I can't sustain it and it's ugly otherwise). When I find a work site that is ASD-friendly, I will stay there for as long as I can.

I don't look normal, I don't act normal, I don't behave normal, I am not "normal" I gave up trying to pretend. Life is easier and I don't worry about it. Either people accept me or shy away from me as I am. It is easier to sort likely friendships or connections that way, at least. Be yourself, don't worry about what others think ! Best wishes

Hmm. That is interesting Joe90. I am the opposite: I tend to do much better in general with strangers than my own connections but there may be 1 or 2 connections I have where things are entirely good. Most of my connections are like “We’ll connect with you but you’re really weird. And sometimes it can be a lot for us to process.”

In public, I dress nicely. I look very composed. I’m Virgo (the perfectionist) so maybe an astrology thing? I send whatever positive energy/love vibes all around me so that decreases the awkwardness a good extent. But I can always tell when clerks or other people are a little more warm and friendly around other NT people than me. But hey. We all have to do what we have to do to in life. Bottom line. As long as we are not hurting anyone.

I also do better with strangers.

It's more the ptsd I struggle with than the autism or adhd.

I remember having quite bad social phobia a few years ago and it almost turned into agoraphobia. It meant that I would walk 5 miles to go to somewhere that was only about a mile away just so I didn't have to see anyone who I might know. It follows no logic for me to do this anymore though although I do still feel awkward if I have to exchange pleasantries in passing with people who I am vaguely acquainted with.