Strangers DO judge all the time

Post Reply New Topic

This is continuing on from the "going out in public" thread, but I didn't want to derail the thread so I thought it was best if I made my own thread on this subject.

Strangers are more judgemental. You can't do anything in public without people looking at you and judging.

Just today I was in the launderette's with my boyfriend. There were washing machines either side of the room and some chairs in the middle of the room. The empty chairs nearest to our washing machine were facing the wrong way, and I wanted to be able to keep an eye on our washing machine (as we wasn't sure how long we wanted it to spin), so I turned the chairs around so that we both could see our washing machine while sitting (the chairs were light and movable, so why not?) Anyway, a bit later that day (during a conversation about people in public spaces) my boyfriend said that the other people in the launderette's looked at me as I was turning the chairs around. I said to him, "I'm sure they probably guessed what I was doing and didn't really care" but he was like "yes, but you know what strangers are like; they don't know you so they just stare".
And this is why I hate doing anything in public that could make people stare at me or observe what I'm doing. I feel like I'm in the spotlight just for doing something that isn't weird but isn't just sitting or standing motionlessly. And no, they weren't thinking I was about to steal the chairs or something, because they were light and all I had to do was to swivel them around with one hand, it wasn't hard.

So you'd think the other people in there would be too worried about getting their own laundry done rather than worrying about what I'm doing. My boyfriend is always telling me to be confident in public; do what I've got to do and not care what people think. So that was what I did. But I'm not going to get good at being confident in myself if I am told that people are staring.

If the room had been full of my family, friends, work colleagues, and everyone else I know, I bet they wouldn't have stared at me just moving a couple of chairs. But strangers do. And that is why my social anxiety levels are higher in public spaces around strangers than it is with people I know.

I'm not sure I really get why your boyfriend would make a point out of something so trivial when he knows how you're going to react. I think that was very off of him.

Some idiots stare for no reason. I like being in the spotlight, so I don't really care, but it is annoying if I feel like I'm being stared at when I don't wish to perform. Sorry I don't have any good advice. If they're looking at you moving a chair, then they're the weird ones. Like, wtf is wrong with them? They maybe were just so bored waiting for their laundry that they stared at any bit of movement that they saw? Also why was your boyfriend acting like this was some grand event?

It's like this bizzare coping mechanisms most people have at large...

It starts with the comparative instinct, the human biases, and the unrealistic standards and expectations they've been fed with since childhood.


So people have issues. One of the various ways to cope is to see who had it worse than themselves.

Who better to direct that amount of anxiety, that amount of self loathing around the idea that they are screwed deep down -- over a stranger, ones one will never bothered remembering their face and name, let alone knowing another one's life, by attributing that said stranger is supposedly worse than them?

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Well I think whoever was in the launderette's at the time would have looked, nothing to do with ego. It's just the joys of being around strangers.

But people often tell me that strangers are too busy worrying about their own lives to even notice me. Wrong! They notice each other all the time. It's so hard to stay motionless for long periods of time when you have anxiety and ADHD. But I know I don't act nervous (I don't wring my hands or stim or anything like that).

My boyfriend only brought it up because we were having a conversation about dithering (not that I was dithering in the launderette's because I knew what I wanted to do, but I sometimes dither in stores when paying). I dither a lot at work but nobody gives a rats arse. I dither in a store and everybody judges.

So the pressure is a lot harsh in public than it is around people I know. Perhaps that's why I don't make friends properly, because I'm more socially anxious around strangers and most people that aren't your immediate family are strangers at first. I just have a social fear of strangers. I'd rather my friends judging me than a stranger non-verbally judging me.

People really concentrate on their laundry in laundromats.

They only notice you if you skip the line to get a washer or dryer.

There's a condition called Scopophobia, which means "... an excessive fear of being stared at. While it is not unusual to feel anxious or uncomfortable in situations where you're likely to be the centre of attention — like performing or speaking publicly — Scopophobia is more severe. It can feel as though you're being scrutinised".

I have this condition. I absolutely hate being ... visible. I'm self-conscious and afraid of being looked at, seen, or judged no matter what I'm doing. I always feel like I'm naked under a spotlight, or I'm a bug in a jar being examined. My greatest wish would be to walk invisible.

Everything you say about your anxiety reminds me of Scopophobia. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm certainly not trying to diagnose you online, but I just wanted to let you know the term in case you wanted to read up.

Big hugs, Joe.

I can't even put my bins out unless it's dark.

It can be very debilitating especially combined with PTSD from traumatic experiences.

In fact, I think it's more of a problem in my life than ASD, ADHD, mutism etc., combined.

I should really explore it more in therapy. It always gets pushed to the wayside because I focus on PTSD instead.

Girls and women are the worst judges -- I agree 100%.

There've been many times in my life when I would only leave my house or flat after dark.

Living 'off the radar', has always been my ideal, though it's obviously not possible much of the time in the modern world.

I think I developed Scopophobia from my school days. I did suffer social anxiety in the classroom but when I was not in the classroom I actually believed that strangers never noticed anything you did, so I was an embarrassment to be around. It took a lot of lecturing from my peers to learn that people do judge, and as an adult I have gone to the opposite extreme; being too sensitive to what people think.

For example, when I was about 8 or 9 I would play a circus game with my cousin in the school playground. It involved us marching around the playground humming a nursery rhyme tune and repetitively moving our arms to juggle invisible balls. I had a habit of sticking my front teeth out a lot (as my adult front teeth came in early and often felt too big for my jaw so it felt more comfortable to stick them out over my bottom lip). So if you picture all of that, I probably looked like a right idiot. I used to look forward to this game but one day my cousin said she didn't want to play the game because she saw other kids laughing at us. I was blissfully unaware of what other kids thought, as I didn't know them so their thoughts never mattered to me, so we got into an argument.

At high school (when I was a teenager) I was often picked on by kids I didn't know more so than the kids I did know. The kids I did know (like the other girls in my class) just socially rejected me (which is just as bad, if not worse, but that's a whole different story), but kids I didn't know would pick on me and target me. Like one time at high school I was sitting on a bench that had no back, and these girls came up from behind me and whispered to each other, then one of them gently kicked my coccyx, and when I turned around they giggled and walked off. Another time was when I was with 3 friends, and some older boys were walking by and they were deciding among themselves which one of us they were going to throw their school blazer over. And, you guessed it - it was me.
So I was targeted a lot at high school, by kids I didn't know. I was also bullied when walking home from school by kids I didn't know. So now I've become more afraid of strangers and I blame the kids at school for it. I know it was a long time ago and everything but it might be a form of PTSD, and telling a person with PTSD to just get over it is not very helpful.

If someone hears a sound that seems out of place or see something they didn't expect to see from the corner of their eye, it's a natural reaction to turn to look what it's all about. I wouldn't call that judging, though if the people keep staring, then I suppose in that case they do judge. Though of course, in some cases they might end up staring out of approval, as in "wow, I wouldn't have had the guts to do that out here!" -kind of way.

Personally, in a way I find strangers easier to deal with than people I know... I mean, if some stranger sees me mess something up, they will probably judge, but since they don't know me, it's unlikely to have any consequences for me, like getting laughed at behind my back, but that might not be the case if I know the people who see me mess up.

Do you ever think, if a stranger notices you, it’s just because they’re only a little curious about you? There’s something unique/different and it gives them some fascination? Maybe your presence could be refreshing to them in some way?

But when I go to very regular places (almost daily), that’s where the problems start for me. Some people who recognize me will leave the room immediately upon seeing me. Just because they are uncomfortable by me. It sucks but at the same time, it makes things a lot more comfortable for me.

I'm always prepared for the fact that people are going to judge, so I'm not surprised when they do.