Self Acceptance

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I'm hoping that some of the people here can offer me some advice about self-acceptance of my autism. I had thought that I had accepted myself as autistic, but the past two years have shown me that I haven't.
I was diagnosed late (18), and I started 'masking' about when I was 10. So for a long time I tried my hardest to be at least at the low end of 'normal', and to appropriately mimic other people's reactions and efforts. It became a survival mechanism for me, because the school system I was in was not very accepting of people who were 'just a little off' like I was. If I was enough like everyone else, then I wouldn't be in trouble, and I wouldn't have intentions assigned to my actions that were never there (not that anyone believed me when I tried to explain that it was an accident. I obviously did it on purpose because there's no way someone could do that on accident!)
I had some really bad burn out about two months ago, which is when I had my revelation. I was still trying to keep up with my co-workers at both of my job, because 'no one else is having this problem', so I must be 'overly sensitive, lazy, drama-queen, whiney child' pick your term. I recently had to quit one of my jobs because I couldn't handle both of them any more, and I definitely couldn't go back to a 14 day work week.
Logically I know that I'm not like my NT co-workers, and that it's alright for me to not be like them, especially if I can do my job, but the thoughts that I need to be able to handle as much stuff as then do always creep up on me, usually followed by thoughts of how I'm such a terrible person for not being able to 'at least do that much'.
I have very understanding co-workers, one of whom has actually become a rather active advocate after I explained to her a lot of the difficulties autistic people face, especially as adults. I also have understanding parents (I was always 'normal' at home).
I want to try and stop this thought cycle that I need to function on the same level as everyone else, otherwise I'm not as worthy of a person, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. Does anyone have any good ways to talk back to that mean voice in your head?

Count to ten before allowing the mean voice to speak. Think about de-escalating while counting. Take a deep breath. Look them in the eye and let them have it or not. I do look them in the eye no matter as I want to learn.

If you do decide to let them have it: Think before speaking. Am I correct and is this the right thing to do? Be firm and as positive as you can. Remove any snark. Say your peace and then listen. Rinse and then repeat.

Sometimes I just give the snark and then the "I'm too damn handsome" smile.

Most times, the moment is lost while I'm stuck on think before speaking. I still need to de-stress the event, no matter.

How many hours are you working at two jobs, that seems like a lot of masking? I would need a huge coping mechanism if I worked over 45 hrs a week, mid-to-upper level energy (oil&gas) executive.

Oh, THAT mean voice. I guess you could do the same as above but in the mirror. Good luck with that, I'd be too scared to look 'em in the eye.

Only you can decide what is good for you, be kind to yourself, find a way to love yourself. Let me know when you figure it out so I can follow. Prolly want to take what I say with a grain of salt, I've given up on most of my family and I'm still working with Mom but it's rocky.

Take a me break when the burnout hits, deal with the depression, and then move on. BT/DT.

Whenever I read a post like this it just makes me wish I could take you and hire you and put you on my team! I work as a manager in an office and I wish I could fill my whole team with people that are ND, anxiety/depression, bipolar, or any type of people who's brains don't work like NTs as those are the types of people I enjoy being around

But as to your question, having the right manager really helps. The simplest advice I can give is tell your manager what you are experiencing. Be up front with them. Let them know what your struggles are and how you can both work together to overcome them. You don't have to tell them you are Aspie, but if you feel comfortable with that you can. I love it when my employees do that with me! Sometimes I will pull someone aside and just ask them straight up if they are having any mental health issues with their job. People are always so shocked that I'm willing to talk about that as so many people feel that is somehow a taboo subject to bring up at work. But about your manager, if you let them know what you are going through, if they are a GOOD manager they will work with you to help you have a satisfactory experience in your job. If your company is big enough, your manager might just direct you to the EAP, which could have some very useful programs for you. If you are willing to put in the work then they should be too. And on the other hand, if they are a BAD manager and they are dismissive of your issues and not willing to help you, then there is no reason to work under them. Transfer to somewhere else or change jobs because there is NOTHING worse than having a manager that is out to get you and not willing to help you. The best solution to that is look for new employment.

If you don't think your manager will help you, and you really feel like you just CAN'T change jobs right now, then you are going to have to find a way to deal with these feelings. And they do just sound like feelings to me; you have said several times that your coworkers are very supportive of your situation and your feeling of inadequacy is an internal struggle. Just remember that; it's internal. You might be greatly overexaggerating your flaws and underappreciating your strengths. How much less work are you REALLY able to do than your coworkers? Is that causing a big problem at work, or is it actually a much smaller problem that you are blowing up into a big problem in your head? Looking at the facts can be very helpful. Make a list of your strengths, try to assess your work in an unbiased way without any negative cognitive distortions and really examine it. I'm sure you will see it's not so bad after all.

And lastly, some people do just work differently. I know personally I have my own set of strengths and weaknesses. I can't multitask for one. My job requires me to do 100 different things in a day, and while some of my coworkers are masters of multitasking and get to leave at 5pm each day, that's just not how I work. I usually end up putting in several hours each day after everyone leaves to finish my work because I work much better when I can focus on one thing at a time. And that's not a problem, I'm much happier putting in 14 hour days when my coworkers are putting in 10 because then I get to work the way that's best for me.

Whatever happens, know that everyone is different to some degree, and that does NOT make you a failure or less worthwhile. I NEVER want to be considered "normal".

One would have to decipher the meaning of acceptance.

This means -- accepting you are you. With strengths and weaknesses. With unique natures, circumstances and experiences.

Accepting the fact of where you are now.
Accepting the fact you have issues.
Accepting the fact that you will need help.

Accepting the fact you have a label.
Accepting the fact you are different from the many.
Accepting the fact that people may never get it.



Self acceptance is a gateway to self esteem to do the above and come terms with it.

Self acceptance is not some form of entitlement where one denies one's present situations, denies the issues of self and other, denies and runs from what can be or cannot be done at the moment.

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I am doing EMDR (explore persistent negative thought) and Flash (put aside nuisance negative thought) with a therapist who specialized in ASD and that is helpful. I am learning at age 50 that I can face this anxiety and it will dissipate. That said, b/c I am in a transition in my life I have a WHOLE LOT of anxiety (negative thoughts) and it is quite overwhelming... but... step by step. As always with anxiety (negative thoughts): how true is this? is there action to take? what do I need to take it? more often: what do I need to not take action (and relax)?

My therapist has encouraged me to accept that I will not function like NTs and I am starting to take a moment and/or explain that to NTs. For example, "I am very focused on [this] right now..." or "Give me a second to transition..." or "I am having strong feelings right now..." ----- if we normalize our way of life for ourselves, many NTs will simply follow our lead.

I am sorry for the hardship. Decades of invalidation will do this to a person. Time to validate our fellow ASD persons and ourselves.

Before I even knew I had ASD my regular therapist said to me: "You are sensitive. That is great! The world needs that." It was the first time anyone had said that to me. So instead of feeling shame about it, or hiding it or denying it, I am now working on translating it for others. I am looking to the enormous strength of it. Underneath all the layers of self-whatever, I can feel it. I spent all these years trying to be humble (about my strengths) and strong (in NT ways) and that didn't work well for me. Time to face my true strengths and weaknesses, as I am myself (not relative to others or a common neurotype).

Wishing you the best in your journey of self.

I'm not quite there yet in some aspects but for me it helped to think of all the positive things I have because of my autism. Lots of stuff I saw as negative had an upside. Yes I am emotional but that helps me help others and be there for them. My obsessive personality helps me enjoy learning etc.

Therapy has also helped but I still have awhile to go.

I hope you get there

I think I'll always have a nagging voice inside me saying I'm fundamentally flawed somehow. It comes and goes. Very much linked to how successfully I seem to be solving my problems and maintaining adequate control over my life. On a good day I'm self-confident enough to see myself as pretty damned good, on a bad day the nagging voice can be heard. On most days it's somewhere between the two.

I've found that socially it doesn't help me much to try too hard to mask or to "fit in." I suppose I mask most of the time in the sense that I don't usually divulge my diagnosis to people, but I don't particularly keep it a secret. I don't try to appear like somebody else, except that I appreciate the need for people to "present" themselves when with others, to manage the impression they create. Here's one author's take on self-presentation - not necessarily the best or most accurate account of what's "really" going on, but food for thought at least:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prese ... ryday_Life

https://monoskop.org/images/1/19/Goffma ... y_Life.pdf

The other thing is that I tend to have my own ideas about friendship and social interaction which are based on what grasp I have of "human nature." Rather than just trying to obey a set of seemingly arbitrary "fitting in" rules, I tend to think about what human beings might actually want or need from each other. And I don't quite recognise society, I more try to relate to individuals and to figure out how we can help each other. I don't really recognise social standing, and prefer to deal with people as if we're all of equal status. So I'm happy to talk to a tramp or a bigwig as if they're not really very different from me. It's mostly about what makes sense.

One of the traits of Autism is difficulty with multi tasking. This has caused me issues in some of my jobs, and has been bought up by some managers. While many people seem to be able to talk and listen and read and type all at the same time, I really can't.

It's a neurological thing. You can give yourself a break for things like this.

Small talk with people I don't know / who aren't in my team, also causes me difficulty. I'm working on what I can do. One person has kind of 'cut me dead' now, presumably because of my social awkwardness, but this suits me in a way and makes it easier to predict what I need to do with that person. All I want is to not be seen as deliberately rude, so I'm working on just saying good morning or something like that, in passing.

this is such a difficult thing to do! All our lives we have been given feedback about being inadequate, not performing as expected, misunderstood and accused of willful behaviors and malicious motivations, of being lazy, and so much more.

To learn our struggles have been due to our neurology and have a biological basis rather than a psychological one, gives relief, and the 'aha" moments begin.

We learn more about autism and our selves, but that little inner voice that was planted before we knew keeps on playing in the background.

In going through my past and understanding my struggles and how they related to autism, I began to take a close look at all the horrible things that re played in my mind over and over. I think I was still trying to process "what happened" in order to understand and change outcomes.

Of course the past is in the past and in most cases we can do little about that.

If I could finally understand the painful interaction or event by seeing how my autism (and other peoples' too) got in the way, then I could tell that particular memory that it was "in the past" and I would file it in a metaphorical mental file called "history".

If that particular memory would come into my mind again, I would stop it and send it right to "history". After a few repeats, that memory stayed filed. This went on for a couple of years but now I have much less painful memory to mull over and over without end.

If you remember instances where you were shamed, blamed, punished, etc for performance or mistaken ideas about motives behind any of your behaviors, make sure you tell them( those memories) that this event is in the past, you are allowed to forgive yourself and others because nobody knew. File them consciously in your metaphorical mental "history" file, Then move on.

If that shaming and blaming comes up again, send it right back to the "history" file where it belongs. I have told this technique to a few people who have used it with success. Hope it might help you too.