Masking

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Sorry for the repost. I think I placed this post in the wrong section previously...

Hello, I'm new to this forum and newly diagnosed with ASD. I have a question to the group about masking...

I've heard everywhere that masking is exhausting and I understand why under certain circumstances. My question is, does anyone here mask in a way that is not so tiring? In my experience, adopting the personalities of television and movie characters in order to fit in and it has never been tiring for me until I eventually burned out later in life. Does anyone else here feel the same?

My worthless corpse has never been successful masking

However since coronavirus wearing a face mask oddly makes it easier to mask per se

Well, in my case, I'm not actually worrying about body language or pushing myself to behave unnaturally. I'm adopting someone else's personality as my own persona. I only envision myself as that person internally and it actually helps me to relax around other people without having to worry about what their reaction may be to me.

I don't mask much, or if I do it's usually natural. But I mask more consciously when I'm out in public like in a busy shopping mall. I love getting out and going around the shops, but I do find I have to consciously mask more in crowds than when I'm around friends, family or at work.

I think it's because strangers judge you more harshly, like they'll stare at you for having a limp or something. Also if I'm overwhelmed by some toddler having a tantrum near me in a store, it takes every inch of my body to remain cool when really all I want to do is yell at the parents to go away and to take their obstreperous child with them. If that isn't masking then I don't know what is. (Also maybe I'm a little jealous that small children losing their temper in public is socially acceptable but an adult always has to be calm and cool and even if I non-verbally express any emotion in my body language people swing around and stare at you).

I think the hidden social rules and taboos are more rigorous than when you're around people you know. I suppose strangers see each other as potential threats if someone is acting just a teeny bit different to what is expected (this doesn't just apply to people on the spectrum, it applies to anyone). You're even judged for pooping in public restrooms, like if your pooping is heard then they'll all look at you funny when you come out of the stall like they've never heard of pooping before. Pooping is 100% normal but people still judge you for pooping in a public restroom because they expect people to just pee in public restrooms.

So to be in public you're under more pressure to be perfect. Everybody has to be exactly the same. Clones if you will. It's hard to be an individual when you're in public.

EEngineer75 ^

I just want to say I love your picture of Nagilum.

Depends what's the main source of discrepancy.


Is it to do with movements and behaviors (clumsiness, dyssemia)?

Emotional dissonance (feeling inauthentic, compensating alexithymia, lying over feelings and thoughts) over having to act appropriate behaviors and actions?

Controlling compulsions (stimming, obsessions, distractions)?

Mental labors (poor language skills, memory issues and memorizing rules, trying hard to attain certainty/tons of guesswork)?

Specific personal denials (ignoring sensory issues, ignoring mental health issues, ignoring health issues)?

All of the above (executive dysfunction, fatigue related issues, other)? Which likely cycles itself.



Of course it will cause a burnout.
And no, I never experienced burnout that way. I don't mask like most autistics (who could and will) do and I'd still burnout.

Personally, doing it feels suffocating. It doesn't help that my executive function fluctuates -- so no charades for me.

I don't focus on external growth and external control.
It'll be too easy for me to choose that in my youth, but I already took my path a long time ago.

And the main source of my burnouts are mostly to do with controlling internal regulation... That just translates into unmasked behaviors for better or for worse.

If I can internally regulate consistently, I don't need to behaviorally control myself. I'll just pass naturally without masking.

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When I was younger I did the "full package" of masking, including eye contact, facial expressions and body gestures, but that got too all too overwhelming in my 20s and the others around me were just getting too damn good at that social business. I could keep a place in a small group of friends but I think the main act where it all fell apart was dating. This was before I got a job. I was still in tertiary education.

As I recovered I vowed to not overdo like I had done in the past and now I only mask certain parts of my autistic personality, and to a certain degree. At work I don't do eye contact, and it's kind of accepted as people know it's my way of focusing on the work itself. (Doesn't make me employee-of-the-month, but I admit mistakes when I make them and am generally a likeable if stilted person.) In more relaxed situations, like meeting my relatives-in-law, I do a bit of eye contact and a bit of smiling, but I try not to pay too much attention (because that drains me super-quickly). I probably come across as odd but relaxed, inattentive but friendly. An interesting and not completely unsuccessful mix.

I don't care, for example, about the tone of my voice anymore. If people find it monotone, so be it. I have quite a deep voice and at least one person has said it's quite attractive. Probably I sound like an emotionless brute, but whatever.

"Perfect" is unattainable and hurts you while you try to attain it. I settle for "good enough", and that's good enough.

I've been masking my whole life, thus my late diagnosis. Until then, I've been plunking various psychological labels on myself. The problem with masking and learning social behavior from others, be it characters from movies and literature, or people you know and admire, sometimes you make mistakes with not realizing that what works for one person, may not work for you. So at the same time I mask and act for a social event (exhausting), I also keep people at arm's lengths, because at some point, as they get to know you better, they are going to know you are different. The only thing I've learned from sharing is that the there often isn't much general knowledge people have about Autism and Aspergers: Some think it's a psychiatric disorder, a mood disorder, mental retardation, or even that it doesn't really exist. In my experience, sometimes sharing has made things worse for me.

Anyway, this is the first time I've reached out to the AS community. I'm tired of being alone and confused.