I have reached the boiling point with my current life!! !

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Our neighbor said me and my brother have to take care of our mom until she dies but that means I won't ever get a create a life of my own!

I don't know what to do or how to cope

My mom is resistant to moving to Assisted Living or rest home and we can't force her to do it which only leaves me with 3 possible options:

-Stay at home and take care of my mom until she dies
-Run away from home
-Save up my TMS money for a few months then move out

Is there any way she is eligible for home aides? Are your siblings willing to help in any way?

Dealing with a dying parent is the very difficult, especially emotionally. It is a 24/7 job. In my case being in her 80s she was eligible for assistance. In my case she sacrificed her personal life raising an undiagnosed autistic child without anybody having a clue about autism and I felt the moral obligation to pay her back when she needed me.

What is happening is the neighbor is propping up her so-called "independance" and my mom REFUSES to be placed in a different environment but if we were to leave this house she would lose that facade of independance and be forced into Assisted Living/nursing home

It is hard and requires a LOT of sacrifices to take care of a dying parent

I want to get a job and get married but my mom won't let me leave and won't let my brother leave because she would immediately lose her independance!

I know it takes a LOT of sacrifices to take care of a dying parent I did it just last year. Like your mom she fought every attempt to help her because she valued her independence. She was home until 10 days before her death when she had to be hospitalized.

Again find out if she is eligible for home palliative care, hospice care or aides at home. Find out if your or her siblings are willing or able to help. There are advocates that help people navigate bureaucracies.

Serious injuries, health issues and always seem to happen at an inconvenient times and it sucks big time, no way around it.

Best of luck.

The goal is to take away that facade of independance so she has no other alternative but we must prove that she has Alzheimers or other dementia first before we can move forward with this plan

Honestly I have no idea how long my mom has left but she is getting worse & worse

She has earned whatever independence is possible as long it does not cause harm to her or others. She would need to visit a neurologist to prove dementia. Unfortunately one of the symptoms of dementia is stubbornness so she would probably resist that.

Also the residence needs to be retrofitted for her. Make sure she can not just wonder outside. It has to be not easy for her to hurt herself, so loose objects have to be taken away.

It is too much for one person to handle, that is why I keep asking if you can get help anywhere. Understand no matter what you or others do mistakes that you will regret will be made. As autistics we tend to ruminate about these. Your mom needs you to somehow put them aside for awhile.

She isn't independent. She needs you. Can she see the reality? Probably, what she does not want is change, which gets increasingly hard to handle. Only familiar surroundings keep the brain feeling normal. The house is similar to an addiction, except that breaking it makes things worse, not better. Can you feel philosophical about paying back your own child care? How about bringing in another person, either a spouse or a relief worker?

How is she forcing you to stay?  Threat of violence?  Blackmail?  Guilt-trip?

Guilt-trip

If we leave she leaves too!

Seems to me like your problem is solved already.  Do you have an exit plan?

But I also feel that because we are giving her that illusion of independance it's preventing her from getting REAL professional help so she can actually recover

In other words, we are just making things worse for our mom!

That is called "Enabling".  I am curious what would happen if you stopped enabling her dependent behavior and called her bluff.  Maybe nothing, and maybe your first taste of freedom.  Who knows?

You would be best off to seek professional advice.

Yeah but there are some potential fatal flaws with it

The idea is to save up 400 dollars every month from my TMS checks until I have enough to find a place to live

But what happens if I lose that money because I'm now independant?

I would have to find a job and that's not guaranteed

If I run out of money, I would be right back to square one living at home again!

I do have a boyfriend now who I will see again in 2 years or less and we could possibly get married

But where does that leave my mom?

My brother would be the only one left who could take care of her and I don't want to do that to him

Yeah everyone is telling me to consult a therapist

If we stopped enabling her behavior and called her out on it she would be forced into Assisted Living or nursing home and we would be free at LAST!! !

Actually our "first taste of freedom" will be when we go to the dentist 3 hours away and stay overnight at a hotel without our mom

I would probably be able to continue getting Social Security when I'm on my own so I can cover rent and utilities

I can use my TMS money as a springboard to independance

If I can't find a job, in order to be (and STAY) independant I must have a way to consistently bring in money to support myself until I decide to get married or whatever

Otherwise it's right back to square one!

My case workers wouldn't let me leave home without ensuring that I have a way to support myself first

Really, the only thing stopping me from leaving is not having enough money to move out and not knowing what to do about my mom

But she is just declining at a rapid pace and getting more angry and irritable

It is for best that I take myself out of the equation and let professionals deal with this and the only way to do that is to leave and force an intervention

Because I am CONVINCED she has dementia!

My friend's mother was determined to not leave her house, even after she had to get someone to help turn off her stove. Then she got lost returning three blocks from the store, and quit resisting the move.